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  #381  
Old 05-10-2013, 06:11 PM
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Mya Mya is offline
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Having three partners compared to one or two partners is a bit like having three kids instead of one or two: the more you have them, the more joy you get, but you'll also need to work three times as hard.

I try not to complain too much because obviously I'm really enjoying myself and I really really like these people and want to be with them.. but man, I'm exhausted. I also have a hobby that at the moment is taking a lot out of me as well, and a full-time job, so there's a lot going on. Hank told me the other day that he doesn't feel like the third at all. He thinks I'm giving 100% to everyone and showing that there's no hierarchy. I loved hearing that. I'm a bit on/off with romantic relationships. If I get into one, I can't really enjoy it if I'm not fully in it, communicating often and so on. But doing that with three people is not always easy.

Rory and I were talking about my polysaturation recently and we both feel like our relationship has suffered a little bit because of these new relationships and my NRE. The good thing is that we're stable enough to work through it and there's definitely not a huge problem here. It was the same when rory worked and studied at the same time, she was just too tired to give it her all all the time. I think I just need to get through the beginning phases of these relationships and hopefully then I'll be able to focus on me and rory better. She says that I'm clearly doing all that I can in this situation and using my best judgement, so the NRE isn't blinding me completely. It's just draining. But we'll get through this, I have absolutely no worries about that.
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  #382  
Old 05-17-2013, 05:40 PM
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I feel really supported at the moment. I recently had an event that was important to me, and rory, Evan and Hank were all there! That made me really happy. And I'm also glad that I'm beginning to feel very natural about my poly situation and don't really care that much anymore what people think. At the event I was affectionate with all three and didn't even look around to see if we got weird looks. I feel I've come a long way with this. And then something very interesting happened: one of the people there (who I'm somewhat friends with, not very close though) said that I'm an inspiration to him for being so open about being different. Aaaw! Also, quite recently my uncle, who I haven't talked to in a long time, started chatting with me on facebook. He asked about my relationships (in plural) and when I responded that I'm really happy with these three people, he congratulated me and said he respects me, he thinks I'm brave and he wanted me to know he'll always be on my side. Support, so much support!
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  #383  
Old 05-17-2013, 08:27 PM
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RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
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What a lovely place to be in. I'm happy for you!
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  #384  
Old 05-22-2013, 11:00 PM
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Mya Mya is offline
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Thank you RainyGrlJenny! It really is a lovely place to be in.

Things with Hank are going really really well. I think we're very compatible and we have a great time together. He recently spent a week in Dream City, most nights with me. It was really nice. Also, we just decided that we're going to visit Home Country together in a month! It happens to be quite a convenient time for both of us and there's an event happening then. My mum really wants me to be there and bring along anyone I want. So he's going to see where I'm from and meet my mum and her partner, and probably some of my friends as well. I'm really looking forward to it! I'm also going to meet his parents in his home town quite soon after our trip. And then later in the summer I'm going to Hank's sister's wedding with him. Things are happening pretty fast but I'm definitely not complaining, I'm just enjoying the ride.
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  #385  
Old 05-22-2013, 11:29 PM
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I am happy that things are going to well. Good luck with introducing Hank to your mum and friends. I hope it all goes really well.

Ry
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  #386  
Old 05-31-2013, 09:00 AM
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Thanks Ry!

Me and Evan are having a bit of a rough patch right now. We had a serious conversation about whether we want to continue the relationship or not. We decided that we do. The main issue is that we're still figuring out what we actually want out of this relationship, and it might not be the same thing. Like I've mentioned before, I'm kinda on/off with relationships and I'm not really used to going slow. And he's the opposite, he has always gone slow in the past. The thing is, I don't know if he's ever going to get to the point where I am or if he's slowly getting there. He can't really know either. I kinda feel like I might be more into him than he's into me, but then again it could just be that his feelings are developing slower. I'm really happy that he's been totally honest with me about his feelings and thoughts. He's worried that he's somehow stringing me along because he's unsure about his feelings. But I don't think he is, because I know where we are, I know what I've signed up for and he's not lying to me about this. I also keep forgetting that this is his first time dating two people at the same time, so he's still in the stage where he has to come out to people and also figure out for himself what poly means to him, practically. I've been poly for over two years now (and open for longer), so I don't always remember how it was in the beginning. I need more patience.

I'm a tiny bit worried that this will happen again:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mya View Post
The revelation I had last night was that I have a past trauma about this subject. My first boyfriend never loved me but I loved him. We had this conversation:
Me: I love you
Ex: I don't know what love is so I can't say I love you back. I really like you though.

And this never changed. During our one year long relationship he never once said he loves me and that was eventually the reason we broke up.
But we'll see. I really do care about Evan and want to see where this goes. I need to stop overthinking and just enjoy his company. He is a great person in many ways. I feel like I'm already in a better place than I was when we had the conversation. I need to stay present in the moment.

Today I'm going to a big dance event. Almost all the poly people I know are going to be there, including my partners. I haven't seen Evan in a week and a half and Hank in two weeks, so I'm really looking forward to seeing them both. I'm seeing rory before the event, we're going to see a few friends of hers who are visiting Dream City and then go to the event together. That will be very nice too.
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  #387  
Old 06-05-2013, 01:54 PM
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Mya Mya is offline
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The dance event was awesome, I got to spend time with all my partners and talk to many of my friends, too. The day after that was Hank's birthday party which was really nice as well. Most of the people there were my friends or at least acquaintances as well. I just love the poly community I've found here. Most of them are amazing people who are easy to talk to and very welcoming. I really feel at home with them.

A few days after the party I saw Evan. It was really nice to just hang out, enjoy each other in all ways and not talk about heavy subjects for once. I feel good about us now. We need to not overthink everything, just live in the moment and let this relationship be what it is. This is a lesson for me to learn definitely, and it is something I really want to learn.
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  #388  
Old 06-15-2013, 10:10 AM
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I had two friends visiting me from Home Country, it was really nice. One day we hung out with rory and another day they met Evan and Hank for the first time (they've both met rory before). Everything went well. I loved watching Evan and Hank interact with each other and with us. I think it was really cute how they were kinda on the same side, for example after both of them had said something weird, Evan said "We're making a good impression here, Hank". Like it was their job to make a good impression together and not for example compete who makes a better impression. My friends liked them.

My friends were here for a week, they just left this morning. Today I'm going to be alone. I was thinking about going to a dance event where Evan, Gemma and a couple of other people I know are going. But maybe I won't after all. Maybe it would be healthy to be alone for a little while. Sometimes I fear that I'll get too used to having three partners and that I won't know how to be alone anymore. I fear I'll become addicted to company. I notice that feeling of unease now that I'm home alone after an intense period of spending time with people. I don't want to become that person who doesn't know how to be alone. I really don't.

Recently I had a dream where Hank started dating one of my oldest and closest friends. I felt really unhappy about it and I asked him to please choose someone else than her. Hank and my friend both tried to reassure me that it would be fine, we could make it work, but I was still skeptical. When I woke up I realised I hadn't thought about this thing in a while now because it hasn't been very relevant. It probably came up now because my friends were visiting me and were about to meet my partners. I don't know if you remember, but I used to have this please-don't-date-my-closest-friends boundary with JJ. Now all those friends are either in Home Country or some other country, but not here where I live. So I haven't really had a motivation to think about it or process it. It seems I still feel the same way about it. This only applies to friends I have a long history with (most of them about 15-25 years, in one case 5 years), so not the ones I've gotten to know while living here. I don't want to have this boundary anymore, I want to let go. I know it's very irrelevant because of the physical distance and the fact that all of my old friends are mono anyway, but it bothers me that I feel so bad about the thought of that happening. I want to be okay with it.

So, it seems that I have a lot of learning and growing to do.
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  #389  
Old 06-16-2013, 11:40 PM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Yup, definitely important to be able to be alone! I understand your concern about that. That's partly what I'm enjoying about the current long distance from everyone - enforced periods of solitude. Keep that 'comfortable spending time just with me' muscle strong.

Funny you should dream and be thinking about that particular boundary. I'm currently unpacking that same boundary with Grotto. It's probably better timing to think about it when it's not a live issue - you can work through it at your own pace rather than having to deal with an Incident

Gotta love Evan and Hank's united front when meeting your friends! So cute. A "You know poly's working when... " moment for sure!
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  #390  
Old 07-08-2013, 12:42 PM
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Mya Mya is offline
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fuchka: Thanks for your comments! Yes, being alone is an important skill. I'm traveling for two weeks right now, all by myself. I'm seeing friends and family, but the traveling part is done alone. And that's good in that perspective. And yes, I also think it's better to process these things before anything actually happens. It's a process, I'm still not there, but I hope some day I will. I read about the incident from your blog, I'm glad you guys managed to get over it in the end. And another yes to 'you know that poly's working when...', definitely. Our situation is working very well, my partners like each other and I just love love love seeing that. It makes me super happy.


So, I haven't updated this in a long time. Me and Hank went to visit Home Country and it was awesome! He met my parents, a few friends and JJ as well. Everyone liked him and he liked Home Country. It was so interesting to see my own country through the eyes of someone who's not from there. All the traditions, language, food, drinks, weather, nature etc. I got to see them again with brand new eyes and it was so much fun. I felt like our relationship took a leap forward during the trip. I feel that I'm serious with Hank, I love him and can definitely see a future with him. I feel like we're both including each other in each other's lives very naturally.

Quite soon after our trip to Home Country we went to Hank's home town where I met his parents and one of his friends. That went really well as well. He has just recently come out of the poly closet to his parents, so I was quite nervous about that. But they were just lovely! They even started talking about poly themselves and in a positive tone. They asked a few questions, mostly about practical stuff like time management etc. His mum said that she understands that our relationship is not less serious because I have other partners. Yay, that's right!
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