Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 05-10-2013, 05:34 PM
Mya's Avatar
Mya Mya is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 335
Default How do you decide which partner is your +1 when you can only bring one?

I have three partners. We're not into hierarchy so I consider all of them to be my equal partners. Two of my partners have another partner as well. The third one doesn't, I'm his only partner at the moment. He recently asked me to attend a wedding with him. I'm happy to go, there's no problem here. But that just made me think about this subject. It was easy for him to ask me since I'm his only partner now, but what am I going to do when/if I get invited to go to any event where I can only bring one person with me? How do I decide which one to bring? I would like to hear from others who are in non-hierarchical relationships about how they make these kinds of decisions.
__________________
My live-in partners: rory and Hank
My metamour: Lily (rory's partner)
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 05-10-2013, 05:49 PM
Natja's Avatar
Natja Natja is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 822
Default

Are you all open and stuff? I am just wondering whether in the case of a wedding for example, would you feel awkward taking one partner to one wedding and another to a different wedding?

In which case I would a) see who is available, b) see who is interested and then if you still have a choice alternate and say I will take X to this one but how about Y to the next event? That is fair.

Let's be honest we are not all into the same thing, one partner might love a party with all your friends from the some sporty game thing, whilst the other would rather have their nails pulled out with tweezers. Not everyone likes weddings and other formal occasions either.

Natja
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 05-10-2013, 05:54 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

First figure out if anyone has other plans that day. Then consider what the event is. Who else will be at tthe event. Do more than one (or ANY) of your partners WANT to go. Consider all the practical things first, and if you still have to decide, all other things being equal, then flip a coin and take turns.

Story time:

Recently my Spouse earned a certificate of achievement from the Appalachian Mountain Club, and they have a little "awards banquet" type of thingy where they congratulate people and hand out the "diplomas". Spouse's other partner "invited theirself" to this, and bought a ticket, and then something else came up and they decided they "couldn't" go. They wrote to me on FB asking me if I would like to go. I said "oh how cute, my spouse's other partner trying to set us up on a date, LOL" (and they thought I was offended at first). Turns out, I already had plans for that date and all 3 of us ended up doing separate things. The extra ticket was only $10 or so, so it wasn't that big of a deal.


I guess my point here is twofold - 1) just because you have more than one partner, it doesn't mean ANY of them have to or will be available to be your "date". 2) if you feel that choosing one person because the invitation says "+1" implies a value-judgment about the relationships, you could always opt out of bringing a guest, or you could invite a guest who is a friend instead of a partner.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 05-10-2013, 05:54 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Natja View Post
Are you all open and stuff? I am just wondering whether in the case of a wedding for example, would you feel awkward taking one partner to one wedding and another to a different wedding?

In which case I would a) see who is available, b) see who is interested and then if you still have a choice alternate and say I will take X to this one but how about Y to the next event? That is fair.

Let's be honest we are not all into the same thing, one partner might love a party with all your friends from the some sporty game thing, whilst the other would rather have their nails pulled out with tweezers. Not everyone likes weddings and other formal occasions either.

Natja

Ooh we said the same thing again!
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 05-10-2013, 06:26 PM
Mya's Avatar
Mya Mya is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 335
Default

It is obviously true that it might be the case that none of them would want to go. I should've written that in the first message, that I'm thinking about a situation where all would be willing and able to go. If none of them would want to go, what would I even be asking here then? That would be quite a simple solution.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Natja View Post
Are you all open and stuff? I am just wondering whether in the case of a wedding for example, would you feel awkward taking one partner to one wedding and another to a different wedding?

In which case I would a) see who is available, b) see who is interested and then if you still have a choice alternate and say I will take X to this one but how about Y to the next event? That is fair.

Let's be honest we are not all into the same thing, one partner might love a party with all your friends from the some sporty game thing, whilst the other would rather have their nails pulled out with tweezers. Not everyone likes weddings and other formal occasions either.

Natja
I'm open to almost everyone. If I got an invite from a person who I don't want to be open about poly, I'd go alone. I would never make my partner pretend they're my only partner or that I'm their only one.

I don't think I'd feel awkward taking one person to one wedding and another person to another wedding. That might be quite a good idea actually. I guess I didn't think of that because I don't get invited to formal occasions very often so I've never really been in this situation.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
2) if you feel that choosing one person because the invitation says "+1" implies a value-judgment about the relationships, you could always opt out of bringing a guest, or you could invite a guest who is a friend instead of a partner.
This is true. If I feel like I can't choose, there's always the choice to go alone or bring a friend.
__________________
My live-in partners: rory and Hank
My metamour: Lily (rory's partner)
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 05-10-2013, 11:50 PM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,229
Default

I'd base it on who was most interested. If they were equally interested, then who I'd spent less time with recently, since we could use the opportunity to catch up a little.
__________________
The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 05-11-2013, 07:45 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Middle of Oregon
Posts: 431
Default Hopefully your partners understand

that you do take into consideration how each of them might feel as this situation plays out. When partners fully understand where you are coming from, many of the potential problems you are taking the time to foresee deal with appropriately never turn out to be problems. Sometimes it has more to do with all of you being on the same page than it does being able to foresee potential problems.

Partners and metamours seem to be the most considerate during these minor dilemmas when you all do understand each other which is just another way of saying there are no misunderstandings.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 05-11-2013, 08:07 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 212
Default Agreed.

I also fall back on availability and interest for stuff like this. If it's an event that a close friend is hosting, I ask if I can bring a plus two, and contribute something else to the event (food, drink, etc) to make up for the extra number. If it's a business-y thing where I can purchase as many tickets as I want, I bring more than a plus one if everyone wants to go. If it's a hard plus one, then typically Elemental comes because other people live out of town. We just talk about it, and make sure nobody feels left out, and do something as a group afterwards/plan another special date if they do.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 05-12-2013, 01:42 AM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Haltom City, TX
Posts: 1,288
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
I'd base it on who was most interested. If they were equally interested, then who I'd spent less time with recently, since we could use the opportunity to catch up a little.
I also include my friends in this list to determine who to invite. My romantic partners don't get preferential treatment over my friends and vice verse (in anything, really). They are people I care about and want to spend time with; I am just physically intimate with my romantic partners from time to time. If I'm going to a gaming convention, for example, IV isn't the person that will get invited... it'll be one of my gaming buddies.

It's funny, there is a freethought group in Dallas I go hang out with periodically and they always ask me "Where is IV?". I've taken her to an event or two so they have all met her and like her, and since we're dating I should obviously bring her along. I just shrug my shoulders and tell the truth, "She's at home I guess, not sure". The confused looks I get are priceless.
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 05-12-2013, 02:53 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,158
Default

I choose based upon availability, interest, who I had time with most recently & the kids. There have been a few times I intended to bring one partner, only to have a kid meltdown and really need time with that partner-in which case I ended up taking the other.
As a rule of thumb for extended family occasions, we only accept invites that include all of us.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
hypothetical situation

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:03 AM.