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  #21  
Old 04-04-2013, 08:51 PM
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PixiRosenThorne PixiRosenThorne is offline
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Unhappy normal life rant

I took the dogs out for a walk today and let them roam around for a bit on their own. I noticed all the broken glass that winter had left us around the farm and started cleaning that up. Little things like that, preserving the safety of my home makes me happy. Then, as we were wandering through the fields I noticed more golf balls laying between the planted rows. Now a bit if history: Where I live used to just be farm land, older homes, close friends, family and farmers. There are a few horse farms and I think my property is the only one that functions as a crop farm for the surrounding 10 miles or so. About 10 years back, the developers came in and started building houses. My child brain was angry that my open space was being taken away. I sabotaged what I could, painting harmless occult symbols on the support beams and main joists in the unfinished houses, left large rocks in the cement, moved tool left behind and was just an overall mischievous pest. Much to my dismay, that didnt seem to deter the workers or anyone else for that matter. When the houses were finished, and school had started again, I met the kids that lived in the new houses. They were snobby and rude, acted like I was the outcast when in my head it was they who ruined my peace. Turns out their families arent much better. When I moved back from NC with my husband, we had a German Shepherd and a Boston Terrier as pets. We kept them outside so the cats that were already present would not die of heart attacks! Again, we live on a farm. There are deer. My Shepherd barks at things, especially the deer. She was barking one night about 9:30, nothing too late and eventually stops and settles in for sleep. The next day, we have the police at our house telling us that we were called in for a noise ordinance. Noise ordinance? What is that? Apparently my dog was keeping some one's children away in the big houses. They didnt call us, come down to our house which is visible and very literally in walking distance from them, wait a day or so to try to speak to us. No, they just called the cops. Well Im sorry, but she is a dog and if she can keep us from loosing our crop from the deer, good for her. You moved here, next to a farm and now your complaining about noise? What are you going to do during plow and harvest season?! sigh so that went on into summer and eventually we were called into court, still no actual contact with the people in the houses. Nothing formal or informal, no face to face, no phone calls, just the authorities. Finally we were ordered to keep our dogs inside. Ok fine.

Now whenever I go for a walk, I find golf balls in the field. Karma has gone on hunts with me to collect these balls from the rows of crop and throw them back into our "neighbors" yards. I know its them. This never happened before they came here. I dont know which house, but I dont care. I swear if those damned balls break our equipment, BOTH of their houses will be getting the exact same bill. We have spoken to them, while they were in their back yards about this. As a ritual, and for safety my family goes through the dirt before planting and preens the soil of really big rocks that have shown up.. and golf balls. Now I can understand that their entire income goes into paying of their monster houses and new cars, college loans and who knows how many vacations, but my family does not have that luxury. We work, and have our farm. Im angry at why anyone would think its an ok thing to chuck their shit onto another persons land, obviously worked land, farm land, for growing things. I mean anything, not just the damn balls, but bags, compost (which I dont mind so much because it will break down and is good for the soil), cigarette butts, trash. Maybe its payback, but nothing I have done towards them would have harmed them. These tiny things can destroy our equipment, our livelihood, our lives. I just dont see the allure in it...
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  #22  
Old 04-07-2013, 04:45 AM
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StudentofLife StudentofLife is offline
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Pixi,

Just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear of the problems with your neighbors, as one farmer to another. Sometimes it makes me wonder--if everything turned sideways in the world, who would be a greater community asset--your farm, producing vital, local and accessable food to sustain life, or their McMansions, SUVs, golf supplies and country club memberships? Ok, I'm assuming some things about your neighbors based on my own experiences but it galls me at times. Local farms and farmers may someday mean the difference between life and death for people--why do we get no respect? Sorry to rant in your blog space. Hang in there.
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  #23  
Old 04-08-2013, 12:33 AM
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City people crack me up. OK, I technically qualify as city people, but my grandparents and extended family were all farmers. So they buy 1-5 acres with a great big house for what they would pay for a condo then complain about smell of the dairy farm next door. Really, what did you expect it would smell like living next to 100 cows?
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  #24  
Old 04-25-2013, 04:56 AM
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Its midnight-thirty as I write this. I have just been browsing a blog sight and reading through Karma's few blogs. The one that caught my attention was essentially a story he had written about a very deeply harsh and personal time in his life. I doubt he remembers half of that story but to me it was absolutely beautiful. I love the way he writes. Its so precise and makes you feel exactly what he intends. The words are so eloquent and flow well. As Im reading, I am falling into the characters he creates. I know both of these characters as real human beings in real life. I know the story he painted. I knew the ending but I just kept reading.

There are times where I wonder not if I love him, but if I am truly in love with that skinny goth boy, or if its just a hard-core infatuation that I finally have a skinny goth boy to love. Tonight, while I was reading my emotions caught me, as the often do, completely off guard. He was no longer human, he was no longer the man I see. I saw into him, the creature he is at his core. I felt his pain, his confusion, elated in his triumphs, cringed at his wounds. Part of me wanted to cry because of the rawness he showed and how open he became. The larger part of me wanted nothing more than to have him here with me, pull him to my chest and hold him there forever. I fell desperately, unintentionally in love with him as I read. But it wasnt the man Karma. It was all those bits a pieces that he cant show in everyday life. I fell in love with exactly who he is on the inside.

The characters in his story as I said are real people, but somehow when you turn those people into words on paper, you can do so much more with them, really express how things happened in your head. I do this too. I have a character blog of my own and just the other night I turned some really perturbing events into a story. Eyes dont turn black with rage, fangs dont dig into your lips when you want to kill. Butlers dont come into your room to check on you after a 500 year old vampire barges in with the intent on consuming you. I suppose its a coping mechanism.

In his story, there were two characters. They were brothers in arms, old friends and as always, there was a Master and an apprentice. No matter that this was a fantasy world where eyes glowed and swords could elicit lightening and potions turned you into smoke, or that one could walk through shadows as if simply taking a step. This was a story of willpower, of soul bending truth and eventually death. It was everything that Karma had in his head and heart glowing in blue letters against blackness.

I do often forget that we dont live in fairy tales. But I never forget a good one. I always know that under the printed words, the human writing them is hurting, or healing. And thats what it was. It was a story of healing. I fell in love with his soul in those words. Once again, I plummeted from my human body into love with someone falling as hard and just as fast as me.
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  #25  
Old 05-10-2013, 04:38 AM
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PixiRosenThorne PixiRosenThorne is offline
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17 days shy of 4 months and finally Im starting to randomly get the effects of that permanent choice. A song on Pandora started it, got the tears flowing and even while shifting through my clothes, his smell is still on those damn black jeans. Now Im drowning myself in music that makes me hurt for him.

"Im sorry I wasnt good enough, in your eyes I just never added up. In your heart I know I failed you. If I could help you forget, would you take my regrets? Just dont hate me for never standing by you or being by your side. Please dont blame me, I only did what I thought was truly right. Would it numb the pain? I remember everything. I cant forgive you now. I still cant change the past, if we could start again, would it have changed the end? I remember everything."

If you know that song even though its in pieces, that is the song that makes me hurt the most. I miss him. And Im never going to see him again. Im never going to hear him laugh or hold him or bitch at him and watch his skin turn red during sex. Just .. yea. Im done for the night.
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