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  #41  
Old 05-10-2013, 12:09 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Good analogy. It would be bad if someone started to think, "He likes her better." Poly doesn't work that way.
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  #42  
Old 05-10-2013, 06:59 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Good analogy. It would be bad if someone started to think, "He likes her better." Poly doesn't work that way.


You can still create drama with the food analogy. It just takes more poetic license: "which food are you in the mood for TODAY?" which food would you pick if you had to eat it at every meal? Etc.

There's a storm coming. HIS storm.
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  #43  
Old 05-10-2013, 07:30 AM
Kernow Kernow is offline
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At this stage it is understandable that your wife would ask who you love most, she just needs reassurance. I remember asking a similar question, I needed to understand why I wasn't enough. Try to keep your answers simple, just reassure them that they are different people and you love them both. I don't know if your wife would find this helpful, but when I was expecting my second child I worried that I couldn't possibly love her as much as the first child. I love her just as much but it hasn't diminished my love for my first child in any way. I don't love one because she is a carbon copy of the other, they are totally different people and I love them both more than I can put into words.
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  #44  
Old 05-10-2013, 07:59 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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I don't know if your wife would find this helpful, but when I was expecting my second child I worried that I couldn't possibly love her as much as the first child. I love her just as much but it hasn't diminished my love for my first child in any way. I don't love one because she is a carbon copy of the other, they are totally different people and I love them both more than I can put into words.
I know exactly what you mean and have a friend who worried endlessly when having her first child that she wouldn't be able to love the child as much as she loved her 2 dogs or that the love for her child would diminish the love she felt for the dogs. In the end, she loves them all (and her second child) immensely.

But - these are descriptions of the point of view of the mother (or the person who has more than one romantic partner). They are not from the point of view of those doing the sharing.

To me, somebody saying that they love me and want to be with me is nice to hear but without action, it's meaningless.

I grew up as the oldest of 3 children and I hated having siblings. My younger brother was a demanding baby and child and I was left to my own devices lots of the time. As teenagers, my sister had needs that took up lots of our parents time and attention. I grew up feeling abandoned and never good enough. If I'd been able to care for myself, I would have left my family - and as I grew older I did spend as much time as I possibly could away from them.

As an adult, I love them all. I'm very happy to have my siblings and my mum and we've helped each other through some really tough times. But my relationship with my mum has been seriously damaged through nobody's fault really. Mum loves me loads and it isn't her fault that my siblings needed more from her than I did. She coped the best she could under the circumstances.

I think that a more useful thing for the OP to answer is how does he plan to set things up so that both his partners feel loved? How much time and energy do each of them need and can he meet that? If not, would it be better to take his wife up on her offer to leave? He's not the only man in the world and she could, I'm sure, have a relationship with somebody else who had the time and the energy to be with her in a way that she would like.

Feelings of love are simply not enough to make relationships work. Time and energy are just as - if not more so - important.

IP
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  #45  
Old 05-10-2013, 07:20 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Good points all ...
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  #46  
Old 05-10-2013, 07:31 PM
stonebreaker stonebreaker is offline
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Originally Posted by Kernow View Post
At this stage it is understandable that your wife would ask who you love most, she just needs reassurance. I remember asking a similar question, I needed to understand why I wasn't enough. Try to keep your answers simple, just reassure them that they are different people and you love them both. I don't know if your wife would find this helpful, but when I was expecting my second child I worried that I couldn't possibly love her as much as the first child. I love her just as much but it hasn't diminished my love for my first child in any way. I don't love one because she is a carbon copy of the other, they are totally different people and I love them both more than I can put into words.
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for that example! That is the best way I have ever heard to reassure a mother with more than one kid, which happens to be the case here with both women.
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