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  #11  
Old 05-08-2013, 03:31 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Could you please be willing to consider hitting the "enter" key a few times so there's breaks? It is hard on the eyes and then makes it harder to give you feedback.

I thought you were broken up. How'd that all come back together again?

You are bumping against various limitations.

1) You are worried you more into her than she sounds like she is into you. Could ASK HER if she would prefer to just date your DH and not you. If friends, be friends then. No point in trying to force a "triad thing" where it naturally wants to be a "V" thing.

2) You are suffering being in a CLOSED triad watching DH and her get all NRE googly. Sounds like you are envious and wish you had this. Could do the work to let the envy go, and could negotiate the relationship boundaries to allow you to seek it.

3) Your DH is not willing to move toward "Open V" so that the other players can date other people. He doesn't want you to date others. He's worried about her finding another partner. Is he expecting a one-penis-policy? Could ask him if this is the unspoken expectation.

4) Your needs are not met in this configuration. Could tell him you are not willing to participate in a CLOSED situation where your needs are met. Could do conflict resolution to try to meet the needs of all players and restore balance and come up with a better configuration or... end it. The polyship, the marriage, or all the above.

I mean that all kindly -- I'm not saying this to upset you. But lay out all the options on the table and IDENTIFY them first. Them pick from among the most doable/healthy.

Maybe these articles could help you

http://www.kathylabriola.com/article...u-in-poly-hell
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...ed_10-6-10.pdf

But the biggest thing I see is you not having consequences.

Here you SPECIFICALLY ask for an action to be done. He's not willing to do it. Worse, he smart asses. This is hurtful to you.

Quote:
i think alot of it is i dont feel the romance and the passion like he has with her and it hurts. and i try to tell him to hold me, kiss me, and alot of the times i will get smart ass remarks just because thats the way he is. a jokester.
Doesn't matter if he likes to joke. He could DO what you ask. He could hold up his end of the stick in tending to his wife. Do the job and then joke later.

What do you have as a consequence of him neglecting you?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 05-08-2013 at 03:42 AM.
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  #12  
Old 05-09-2013, 10:21 PM
AZtriad AZtriad is offline
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Sorry its been a while. kinda been busy. but i have talked to him about opening up and maybe me getting a gf so i can get what i want. but i know what i really want is her. this is her (an mine) first relationship with a girl and we dont really know how to go about things. kinda weird. but there has been some postive things in the last couple days. we were flirting back and forth which made me feel really good. and we are going on a trip (maybe in a couple weeks??) and its just me and her overnight out of town. we are both really excited. so im kinda feeling a bit more loving. as far as he goes. he does not text her while we are having sex. usually we will say ok say goodnight to her and we both will. and the same with me. the nights that they get to have their date night, and "alone" time. i do not text either of them. that is their time to have alone. and i respect that. as far as him being a jokester. its always been that way even when we were mono. he would screw around with me. i think i sometimes i take things seriously. and since we have our gf i ask for it more and take it to heart alittle more. i am a very very sensitive and emotional person. i ask for sex he says no and i cry. that is something that i am REALLY working on. trying not to be so sensitive and emotional. but even though i didnt get what i wanted. he still held me and cuddled with me, and that was way way more important.
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  #13  
Old 05-10-2013, 09:28 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AZtriad View Post
Sorry its been a while. kinda been busy. but i have talked to him about opening up and maybe me getting a gf so i can get what i want. but i know what i really want is her.

this is her (an mine) first relationship with a girl and we dont really know how to go about things. kinda weird.

but there has been some postive things in the last couple days. we were flirting back and forth which made me feel really good. and we are going on a trip (maybe in a couple weeks??) and its just me and her overnight out of town. we are both really excited. so im kinda feeling a bit more loving.

as far as he goes. he does not text her while we are having sex. usually we will say ok say goodnight to her and we both will. and the same with me.

the nights that they get to have their date night, and "alone" time. i do not text either of them. that is their time to have alone. and i respect that.

as far as him being a jokester. its always been that way even when we were mono. he would screw around with me. i think i sometimes i take things seriously. and since we have our gf i ask for it more and take it to heart alittle more.

i am a very very sensitive and emotional person. i ask for sex he says no and i cry. that is something that i am REALLY working on. trying not to be so sensitive and emotional. but even though i didnt get what i wanted. he still held me and cuddled with me, and that was way way more important.
Good for you for asking for sex but being comforted with cuddles. But I still think he should be sexing you up just as often as he was pre-gf. This is a boundary many people have when their primary is in NRE. God knows, I am such a horny person, if I had less of my usual quota of sex, I would be quite upset, and make my wishes known in no uncertain terms! If a partner was having so much sex with their new person, they had no desire, urge, lust, energy, left for me, I would probably point out they weren't handling poly well and better take a step back with new person to see to my needs.

BTW, I quoted you with paragraph breaks, since it's hard to read your walls of text. Would you please break your posts up like that? You might get more responses.
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