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  #11  
Old 05-06-2013, 06:12 PM
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I've recently been through a break up and my boyfriend Peaches helped me to deal with it. I was ABSOLUTELY devastaded. I'm sure Peaches had a hard time helping me with it, he confessed a lot of feelings on the line of "Am I not enough to keep her happy" and "How COULD that childish, selfish person do this to her?"
I'm now getting back togheter with CC, the guy who broke things up earlier this year. CC is both younger than me and Peaches and very new to poly. He had never even considered it before. He didn't know about the term "monogamous" and that there were other ways to live life, for f*** sake. He's REALLY green on relationships in general.
Of course poly spooked him out at first. To me it's understandable. Even if he did hurt me when he said he couldn't do it, even if I spent months as bad as can be as a result of that break up.
To Peaches, on the other hand, his behaviour was unaceptable, childsh and, yes, fickle, since he now decided he would like to try this again.
Maybe it's because I love CC and I am emotionaly tangled in this and Peaches isn't. But Peaches did understand, in the end, that this is something I REALLY want to do, to pursue this relationship with CC. I still find myself defending CC sometimes (Peaches has taken the bad habbit of making sarcastic comments about me "adopting CC" or "CC needing to get his glass of warm milk handed to him every night), but actually, CC is doing a lot better this time around, he's trying hard to warp his mind around poly and we're happy.

So I just wanted to say that if your wife thinks it's worth the chance, and you decide you're really ok with poly, support her on trying this out one more time. She felt the hurt of the break up, she should be responsible for the risks of trying again. You'll be there for her in case thing go wrong again. (I would just advise her to make sure this break up/trying again thing doesn't become a cycle.)
As you experienced yourself, poly is kind of hard at the beggining. And this for a couple already considering it and researching, already feeling safe and confident with each other. Aking for someone to just dive head first into that and not even flicker is a lot to ask.
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  #12  
Old 05-06-2013, 07:16 PM
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I am dealing with a very similar situation. One difference is, I am the wife who started having emotions for a man who I believed also felt them for me. My husband was not happy when I would cry to him about the problems I was having with this other man. Things settled down and the boy and I started chatting again. Fast forward 9 months later: Now it seems to be over for good. This time I've hidden a lot of the crying from my husband. He knows that I am not happy about the breakup. However, he is really busy right now in a masters program and I don't see any point in upsetting him over a guy who decided that he wants a monogamous relationship with another woman over me.

Like you, this started because my husband and I enjoy me being with other men sexually. The breakup has been very painful for me. Hopefully one day I will find a man who is willing to be a boyfriend to me. It's just hard because the age range of men I am interested in right now seem to be ready to settle down and get married and have more children in a monogamous fashion. That is something that I cannot provide for them.
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  #13  
Old 05-06-2013, 09:55 PM
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I think writing things out really helps put feelings and thoughts into perspective. Whether that be here, or in a journal, blog, email, etc...

If the other guy has a girl that he is talking to or another girlfriend, is he being honest with her that he is also interested in seeing your wife?? I can tell you as a wife of a coupe who was in a V, it is hard to watch the end of a relationship because there is dishonesty involved in the other side of the V.

Also, I think it is important that you and he talk, and have an open line of communication.
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  #14  
Old 05-07-2013, 02:37 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Scissors View Post
No one did. Assuming this post is the one you're referring to, the poster said the boyfriend behaved "in a cowardly way". The two are not the same: there's actually a big difference.

Not that I don't agree with the general sentiment of your message, WhatHappened, nor am I picking on you. But it's just as bad to put words in other people's mouths then claim them as not being "understanding" as being quick to judge in the first place. On a board like this that stresses good communication skills, we need to be accurate in our own.
Thank goodness we have time to split hairs. Especially hairs that don't impact the sentiment of my message at all, with which you agree. I personally regard behavior as indicative of character. People who behave in kind ways are kind. People who behave in cowardly ways are cowards. Our actions actually do reveal us. I'm fully aware that a person who is typically courageous may behave in a cowardly way in one instance.

But seriously...this is worth hijacking a thread for? To make sure I word things exactly as you would have me word them? To make sure I regard things exactly as you regard them?

Because the fact remains, whether you say someone is a coward or someone behaved in a cowardly way, it's a criticism, it's a negative. And my point, with which you agree, is that casting someone in a negative light in your own mind, when there may well be a more positive explanation, tears down relationships.
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  #15  
Old 05-08-2013, 11:27 PM
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You stated someone called the OP's boyfriend a coward. No one did. If you quote someone as saying one thing and assume they share your perspective when they may not (like what happened here), and it's easily researched/verified with two clicks of a button, expect to get called out on it. I don't give a damn if you word things the way I would have you word them, nor do I care if you regard things as I regard them; what strange questions to ask. Not everyone agrees with your perspective that a person's behavior is their defined character. Some believe this quite strongly. I can behave motherly but not be a mother, etc. You, WhatHappened, have no way of knowing what the poster-in-question believes. Therefore, don't quote them as saying something they didn't. It's that simple.

This distinction absolutely impacts the sentiment of your message, because flatly calling someone a coward is more damning of an accusation than saying someone behaved cowardly. One can be an isolated incident, while the other is a much more deeply rooted character flaw. Actions actually do reveal us, but only when those actions are consistently applied. That's the key word. As your advice was to be more "open-minded" and perhaps forgiving of transgressions, empathy is a whole hell of a lot easier to obtain if the OP feels the boyfriend's actions were a temporary occurrence rather than him being inherently X, Y, or Z. Yes, it's negative either way, no one was disputing that. But there are shades of negativity, and if you'll recall my message, it's better to be accurate and make those distinctions (especially on a board that deals with improving self-awareness and communication skills) than not.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened
Thank goodness we have time to split hairs.
All the time in the world.

Quote:
But seriously...this is worth hijacking a thread for?
Come on now.
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  #16  
Old 05-09-2013, 12:09 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Scissors View Post
You stated someone called the OP's boyfriend a coward.
No, WhatHappened did not specifically state that anyone else called the guy a coward. See:
Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
. . . But just an idea of the position he's in, and the idea that her relationship with him will go better, and have more possibility of returning to what she really wants with him, if he's cut some slack, given the same understanding we'd all like from others, and not called cowardly, fickle, and indecisive.
Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
And to be clear, I know it wasn't YOU who called him a coward. I'm just saying, dismissing people with pejoratives, regarding him in the negative light others slap on him, is the surest possible way to ruin a relationship.
I did not read the other thread (or at least I don't remember it), so perhaps you are bringing information from that one over here which is causing you to react this way, but as I read what WhatHappened wrote HERE in this thread, I took it as more of a summary of possibilities. The OP said, "He seems fickle and indecisive like that" and all WhatHappened was saying is, "Look at the reality of the situation and what he is going through. Why call him fickle, indecisive, cowardly, or anything else you find negative, if you are not willing to see it from his perspective?" She could have said wishy-washy, scared, standoffish, or any other adjective instead of and in addition to "cowardly." As someone who did not read the other thread, it was clear to me that she was NOT putting words in anyone's mouth, but merely listing possible negative characteristics that could be hurled at this guy. So, you come on.
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-09-2013 at 12:13 AM.
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  #17  
Old 05-09-2013, 12:13 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened
And for these things, he is called fickle and indecisive, and a coward, in your other thread.
?
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  #18  
Old 05-09-2013, 12:24 AM
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Also, so I'm not misinterpreted further, my "come on now" was in response to the line of questioning that WH do/say things exactly as I want, the oddly repeated "with which you agree"s (as if I didn't already state this?), and "hijacking" comment when the topic I brought up is directly relevant to the OP's. Text is a strange medium; most of the time these behaviors are from someone getting defensive or offended when no such thing is intended - which I also explicitly stated in my first post. I'm assuming the best and trying to reinforce that this is not personal.
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  #19  
Old 05-09-2013, 12:31 AM
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Okay, I missed that. So, sue me.

Still don't know why you've got a bug up your ass about it. Someone in the other thread says the guy acted in a cowardly way, and WH points that out that the guy was called a coward, but without naming names. You consider that putting words in someone's mouth and felt you had to scold her for it? Simply out, I disagree with your viewpoint. But I won't say anymore about it so as not to cause further threadjacking.

Back to the OP's topic...

Librarian, I think the biggest problem you and your wife are having right now, with regard to this situation, is expectations. Your wife was sharing flirty texts with this man for only two weeks and then is in a lot of pain about his pulling back? I have to say that sounds rather melodramatic. Methinks she needs to toughen up, grow a thicker skin, and keep inflated expectations at bay. You two are used to your dynamic and pace. Now that you are opening up to other people, you will have to broaden your understandings of how people relate to others, and not hang so much hope on a minor thing like a few weeks of flirty text messages.
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