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Old 05-08-2013, 08:46 PM
NoelVeva's Avatar
NoelVeva NoelVeva is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: So Cal
Posts: 3
Default New, frustrated and a bit overwhelmed. Advice/perspective?

EDITED FOR CLARITY. Long night, no sleep. Sorry for any confusion.

I've been lurking for a few months, and overall have very much enjoyed and benefitted from the wisdom and experience offered here. I'm thankful there are spaces like this online, especially now.

After initially trying to type the whole situation out from beginning to end, make it coherent/readable and failing miserably, a summary seemed to be in order.

So, to sum up:

I am one end of a non-hierarchal, live-in fmf vee. We are all in our 30s. This is my fourth poly relationship, their second. They have been together for 5 years/are legally married, we have been together for 8 months and want to get married. We've been living together as a family for 5 months.

The problem: My metamour is suddenly insisting that we maintain separate residences. She has recently decided that she doesn't want to be polyamorous any more and says that while she supports our relationship, she can't deal with being exposed to it on a daily basis.

She wants to maintain her relationship with our partner, but only if he agrees to maintain separate living spaces for me and her, which he is neither able nor willing to do. I am not in favor of this either, for various reasons. It should also be noted that neither her nor I can afford to live on our own without his support, as neither of us is currently employed or has very high earning potential.

While I respect her feelings, her right to change her mind and certainly don't want to make her miserable, it seems as though she is holding their/our relationship hostage to get her way, primarily because she is in a difficult place in life at the moment and projecting her feelings onto polyamory/my relationship with our shared partner.

I don't want to make my metamour, and by extension my partner and myself, unhappy/subject to a volatile home life, but I don't think we should upend our living situation to indulge what seems to be a situational, temporary freak-out on her part either.

Any thoughts? Is there anything we can do to resolve this? I want to have the healthiest, happiest and most stable family dynamic possible under the circumstances. I don't want my partner and metamour to lose their relationship, and I don't want to be forced to live under a different roof than my partner. Any advice would be immensely appreciated.

TL;DR - FMF live-in vee, my metamour suddenly wants to maintain separate residences because she doesn't want to be polyamorous anymore/deal with my relationship with our shared partner, largely due to personal difficulties that are not poly-related. Neither me nor my partner want this, nor can we afford the living arrangement, and it seems as though his relationship with her is on the line if we don't go along. Help?

Thanks for reading.
Formerly one end of a 'v'. Taking time to heal and re-group, life lessons learned.

Last edited by NoelVeva; 05-08-2013 at 09:59 PM.
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