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  #161  
Old 04-29-2013, 05:52 AM
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Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
When we eventually make it to bed, I'm nervous we'll fuck this up. But we don't
Mmmm, happy for you.


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The more I adventure out, the surer I am of how important it is to honour and nourish the solid limbs that support my growth.
Wonderfully worded! I may have to steal it.
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  #162  
Old 05-07-2013, 11:28 AM
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nycindie - thanks, sex coach!

It's kind of hard to keep it up long-distance, but I'm glad we at least stirred the pot
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  #163  
Old 05-07-2013, 11:37 AM
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Default The ugly

I'm feeling something that I think is broadly "jealousy". It hurts. It is challenging. I'm not sure what to do about it.

Grotto and Bijou have been getting along better, and he's really enjoying himself. I think they're good for each other. So what's my problem?

First, straight-up jealousy I think. Competition. The points matter and she's winning. In the worst of this emotion, thoughts of her disgust me because she's doing it better than me (or so I feel, at those times.) She's sexier, foxier, more seductive, more delicious. She's experienced in getting what she wants. She's shameless. She has a salacious history. She's amazing in bed and conversation. I hate the way she flirts, I hate her heels, I hate the look of her on Grotto's arm. Woah! What happened to compersion?

It feels crazy to experience my defences going up like this. I read a quote today: "You only can't stand what you don't understand." Nice. That's a key I'm definitely gonna keep turning in the lock of this. Though, it's not that I can't stand Bijou (despite my virtiol above.) It's just that (and this could be no more than a refraction of my jealousy), I'm not sure I trust her. I'd like to. I hope I can. But... I don't yet.

I have been trying to shift focus, to instead question if I trust Grotto to have my back. That I know. He really does. But Bijou? She courts the game, salivates at the hunt, and out-plays the players. Grotto said that she's been mellowing out recently, dropping her guard. Hmm. I mean, good for her But it's unsettling to me that she had cooled towards Grotto until as soon as I was leaving and then, BAM. She's all into him. It could be entirely unrelated timing, but it's not much fun for me.

Then, there are things about Grotto and me that need work. I love him, he is a very kind person. I always enjoy spending time with him. We have a great sexual connection, and easy conversations. But there's stuff beyond this that I need (or desire?) from our relationship, that we've only scratched the surface of. I'm unsure if he is willing and able to put time into them.

For example, one thing that really attracted me to him at the start of our relationship was a shared passion for community building... and I still don't have many concrete experiences of that working out. I also don't see him actually putting effort into changing that (but maybe I'm impatient, or only focusing on the not good enough aspects. I'm suspicious of my perspective at the moment.)

Some of the things Grotto & Bijou share (drinking, drugs, a deeper appreciation of hedonism? I guess) isn't really my scene. I dabble a bit but I'm cautious of how messing with your brain chemicals can affect your energy and colour your world in a way that means you can't connect without those things. It bores me to get endorphined up and party every weekend, and sometimes mid-week too. I mean, it's the same shit every time, rinse and repeat. Pills and lines. Broke and hungover. There's comradeship in that, for sure, but it's not mine.

And yeah, I know that it's mostly my deal that this isn't my personal buzz right now. I have other priorities (e.g. creativity, politics) that I want to Do Better At. I feel like I've been dropping the ball on certain aspects of what's important to me. So a large part of this "jealousy" could simply be my own disatisfaction with what I'm up to. Hmm. Complex.

I've had some bad to average conversations with Grotto about this stuff. He thinks we should see each other in person and talk it out. I'm ambivalent. I want to see him. I'm sure we'd manage to fuck the pain away, and cuddle chats have always proven to be effective at untangling issues for us. On the other hand, I feel like the space is good for me right now. I feel like I'm detoxing from something, and getting perspective that I need. (That's an awful analogy, as if Grotto is a toxin ?! I dunno. Love, sex, intimacy is a heady cocktail. I hear the come-down from LSI can be vicious.)

As for me and Bijou, it struck me today that we both have a significant warrior heritage. My background is mixed: 1/2 warrior, 1/2 some mix of priest and merchant/craftsmith. She strongly identifies with her warrior background (from a different ethnicity altogether, but the principles are the same, right? Fight. Win. Profit.)

Maybe we need some peace-making rituals.
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  #164  
Old 05-11-2013, 08:12 AM
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Default The good

Ocean had a minor operation the other day. Luckily the cost of it was covered because it was due to an accident where someone else was at fault, so they paid for it. The bills came to over $4,000! Quite a relief we didn't have to front up for that ourselves.

Menrva went to the hospital with him, and looked after him over the rest of the day plus the next morning (while he recovered.) She sent me pics of him post-op, all cute and swollen and anaesthetised. She also followed up with a couple of updates during the rest of the day. It made me feel really happy and grateful that she was around to care for him.
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  #165  
Old 05-13-2013, 11:45 AM
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Had a rough Saturday, but it all worked out in the end. A simple lesson for me: I need to get better at identifying and articulating my needs.

The jealousy around Bijou had grown to crazy levels because I wasn't speaking out about what I wanted. I was hoping that I would magically get the time I desired with Grotto - but of course, how was he to know this?

In my lowest moments on Saturday, it was bad. I wrote this:

Quote:
Well, I'm pretty much failing at coping with shit around Grotto right now. He's finding it very hard because he doesn't know what's making me feel so bad. I don't really know myself, either.

I'm not very well.

We made some time to talk about it today over Skype. Things were going well till he got a call from Bijou. She was downstairs (she'd left her phone and wallet at his place) and needed to come pick it up. He apologised but told me he had to go. He said we could talk again tomorrow.

Rescheduling helped but... ah. Tomorrow felt so far away, and I could just imagine it being a recovery day for him, depending on what happened tonight. So not the most ideal time to spend.

Feeling shit about him dropping our conversation to hang out with Bijou. I understand it in my head, but my emotions are wild. Thinking of them being in a good mood together, chilling out, making out, while I feel all Unfinished Business - gah!

Why do I feel so fucking jealous?

I hate it, god!
I was very sad and upset. I tried to get over it, but it wouldn't be got over. Finally (several teary, manic hours later), I admitted to Grotto that I needed to talk, as soon as possible.

I knew he may have been with Bijou (turns out he wasn't, or at least wasn't alone with her) but I really needed his attention. I wanted to be able to wait til he wasn't doing other things. I wanted to be able to leave him be to enjoy his weekend. But I couldn't. I really needed to talk with him.

I had actually turned to Ocean first, who calmed me down a bit and reassured me that I wasn't generally a very needy person, and reminded me that it was no shame to need something sometimes.

As soon as I told Grotto I really needed to talk, he headed home and called me on Skype. We had a good conversation, and luxuriously slow masturbating side-by-side exploring mutual fantasies. Was exactly what I needed, and it made us both feel immensely better about Us. I know he is willing to do what it takes to make this work. I just need to understand my own head better, and share more with him.

I feel pretty average about my relationship skills at the moment. I've been treating Grotto quite unfairly, I think. Not communicating enough about things that bother me. But - it's getting better.

Even happier news... I asked Grotto if he thought he could visit me soon, and he has arranged for this coming Monday off work, so he can come up for the weekend! I was so excited when he bought tickets. We had to book a place to stay too because I'm living with relatives at the moment, and can't have a lover-who-isn't-Ocean here, bleh So, it's come to a bit of an expense already. Trying not to stress about that. Hard to be frugal and make distance relationships work!

Hmm. I've also been thinking of how I can improve how I feel towards Bijou, without directly confronting her with my tortured soul I'd like to have good vibes with her. I'm ashamed of my ugly around this. But... what's inside is what's inside. As much as it disgusts me sometimes, it's all I have to work with.
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  #166  
Old 05-15-2013, 11:42 AM
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Haha, god. I did a complete overshare today at work. Had an out of town trip with a colleague, and on the way home she started chatting about her boyfriend. It was great til she asked me if I had a boyfriend...

I started off ok. I said "hmm. My lovelife is complex."

And then I tried to explain further...

Shit, this was so much simpler when it was just Ocean and Grotto. Now I seriously sound like a whore. Which is not a bad thing but also doesn't feel quite correct... I love the sex but it's really not about the sex for me (well, not always!) Maybe I'm a lovewhore. Or an intimacywhore.

I wish I had better words to say what I want to say about my romantic relationships. Though I think the issue was more that she didn't have the words for it. It was something she'd never come across before. Her first reaction was "well, that's not something you hear every day."

I like her, and I hope that I didn't belittle her (?) in some way. Like, make out as if I'm this special person and she's just ordinary. Don't think I did though.

Sometimes I wish I could just share this stuff and it would be an ordinary thing. Like talking about how many brothers and sisters you have.

Last edited by fuchka; 05-15-2013 at 11:44 AM.
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  #167  
Old 05-15-2013, 03:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
Haha, god. I did a complete overshare today at work. Had an out of town trip with a colleague, and on the way home she started chatting about her boyfriend. It was great til she asked me if I had a boyfriend...

I started off ok. I said "hmm. My lovelife is complex."

And then I tried to explain further...

Shit, this was so much simpler when it was just Ocean and Grotto. Now I seriously sound like a whore. Which is not a bad thing but also doesn't feel quite correct... I love the sex but it's really not about the sex for me (well, not always!) Maybe I'm a lovewhore. Or an intimacywhore.

I wish I had better words to say what I want to say about my romantic relationships. Though I think the issue was more that she didn't have the words for it. It was something she'd never come across before. Her first reaction was "well, that's not something you hear every day."

I like her, and I hope that I didn't belittle her (?) in some way. Like, make out as if I'm this special person and she's just ordinary. Don't think I did though.

Sometimes I wish I could just share this stuff and it would be an ordinary thing. Like talking about how many brothers and sisters you have.
I think it's easiest to keep it simple, saying something like, "There are a few important people in my life, and we love each other, but we're not exclusive or traditional." That's similar to how I'd say it. You don't have to go into long explanations unless asked for clarification.
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  #168  
Old 05-16-2013, 09:36 AM
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I think it's easiest to keep it simple, saying something like, "There are a few important people in my life, and we love each other, but we're not exclusive or traditional."
nycindie, that's perfect. I wish my brain had a speed dial to your advice line.

Your suggestion reminded me that Ocean came up with a cool description the other day: "inclusive" (as in, not exclusive). I like it very much, though it's more of an in-joke than a concise way to explain our situation to other people.

(Incidentally, I also like "cryptic" as an alternative to "queer" - an idea that I stole from straight/cryptic crosswords. Again, a label that's perhaps more fun than useful)
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  #169  
Old 05-17-2013, 02:31 AM
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Thanks, but your brain is probably better off not connecting with mine sometimes! LOL

I think it's also a good thing to remember that we are not beholden to explain to anyone the ways we choose to live. We don't owe any explanations, justifications, defenses, or recitations of our life stories to just anybody who asks (this may be my introverted nature talking). So, if it ever feels like people are prying and asking too many questions, we can also say, "You know, that's a little too personal for me to answer. Let's change the subject, okay?"
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Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
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  #170  
Old 05-27-2013, 04:37 AM
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nycindie - yup, I agree that I don't owe anyone an explanation. That is indeed good to remember. Being open about relationships is a political stance for me, I think. I like the idea of being "out" because I dislike how default assumptions reinforce the idea of what is 'normal' and mask the real diversity around us, enabling these stereotypes of normalcy to continue. This can be harmful when it contributes to 'abnormal' people being judged, or feeling isolated/confused about why they aren't like everyone else. So, broadly, the more people doing poly in public the better (I reckon). Now, I just need to stop myself from over-sharing awkwardly... I like how your suggestion kept it simple. If I can't get an nycindie-brain hotline then I'll just have to practice, I guess!

Visit from Grotto a couple of weekends ago was... a relief. We talked, fucked, walked, and held each other. Surgically removed a surprising amount of emotional shrapnel that I'd allowed to sit inside me, which over time had begun to fester. A big lesson for me: I need to name my worries and fears when they're small niggles. Definitely not wait for them to grow up to be giant ulcers.

Grotto's mostly fun relationship with Bijou, which fired up again around the same time as me moving away, was certaintly a catalyst for all this shit coming out. Forced me to admit to a lot of unresolved issues I had with Grotto, forced me to face up to my interior ghouls. It was painful for a while there, but I feel I've come through the worst of it. Re-energized, proud, strong.

I've grown.

Now I'm speaking up about my needs and desires much more. I'm telling Grotto when I feel upset, as soon as I'm feeling it. That's the way he communicates; he never lets anything build up. I still do sometimes need time for processing through emotions by myself, but I see the benefit of talking sooner rather than later when something's bothering me.

Also, he shared with me an idea he's had for awhile, for building up special savings for your kids. Putting $50 a week aside to offer to a child when they grow up, say, when they turn 18, for something like overseas travel or higher study. I really liked that idea, and it was touching to hear that he'd been thinking that way.

So we've decided to start saving this way together, each contributing $50 a week, starting with our next pay. Not sure if we're actually open to having kids in the future, as we're still in the logistics stage. But: exciting! This is our first shared financial commitment together, beyond sharing the cost of very short-term things like holidays. If it turns out we can't use it for kids, we can think of something else, or worst case simply divide the saved money between us (as we've got equal contributions).

Other relationships are well. A year since Djuna and I got together, although given the poly and LDR it's probably more equivalent to a month in in-each-other's-pockets monogamous years.

Plinth is good. I miss his body, which pleases me. Bodes well, I reckon.

Ocean's here on Thursday for a week. Fuck yes.
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