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  #21  
Old 05-05-2013, 12:49 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Re (from franchescasc):
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"And for anyone who has been a secondary (hate the word btw) how does being a secret make you feel?"
Technically I could be called "the secondary," since I am the guy in the V who isn't married to either of the other two. But we don't look at it that way, we consider all three of us primaries. We do mostly have to keep under wraps though, so usually we present ourselves as a married couple (him and her) and me as a close friend (or adopted family if you will).

I didn't like being the "hidden member of the V" at first, but I guess I got used to it. It doesn't bother me now. Our intimate relationships are our own business after all. But I'll admit that if all else were equal, I'd just as soon tell everyone. It's my two companions mainly who feel compelled to keep the poly nature of our relationship a secret. I have talked with them about it on occasion, but I'm not in any hurry.

Re:
Quote:
"Ultimately, I can't live in secret forever. If this is going to be a lasting relationship, something will have to change."
Nevermind this being an issue for MD, it sounds like it's an issue for you. All I can think is that you'll either have to move eventually, or come out where you live and let the chips fall where they may. It sucks that polyamory is not a generally accepted way of life, but, that's the reality we polyamorists have to live with.
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  #22  
Old 05-06-2013, 02:37 PM
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Default My fears realized

So, as I feared, keeping it a secret isn't working. MD isn't happy. She says she can't be happy not being able to be open in public or telling her friends. So I am walking away. This hurts like hell. I've never had my heart broken. I've opened myself up and been vulnerable in ways that I never would've allowed myself to be. In my mind I know this is a gift, but my heart feels like it's ripping in two. It is so unfair that we both love each other and want this....but we can't have it. She is not willing to be out....but that's what she needs to be happy. I am not enough. I can't offer her what she wants. This fucking sucks.
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  #23  
Old 05-06-2013, 04:07 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by franchescasc View Post
So, as I feared, keeping it a secret isn't working. MD isn't happy. She says she can't be happy not being able to be open in public or telling her friends. So I am walking away. This hurts like hell. I've never had my heart broken. I've opened myself up and been vulnerable in ways that I never would've allowed myself to be. In my mind I know this is a gift, but my heart feels like it's ripping in two. It is so unfair that we both love each other and want this....but we can't have it. She is not willing to be out....but that's what she needs to be happy. I am not enough. I can't offer her what she wants. This fucking sucks.
I am terribly sorry you are hurting. I wish I knew what to say. It hurts now, but I do believe that it will get better in time. Do not beat yourself up. You ARE enough.

Speaking from experience, being out is not the easiest feat. It is not widely accepted, and the risks are exceedingly high for some. If it is known that jobs, livelihoods, and familial bonds will be destroyed, what is the benefit of coming out right now? Yes, it is nice to show PDA and to introduce a loved one to friends and family. Yes, you would get to be true to yourself, but your children would lose grandparents, business would suffer, MD's ex mother-in-law might use your relationship against you to attain custody, and your professional reputation would be on the line. The negatives outweigh the positives by a landslide.

There are six children involved and a business, so relocating would be a challenge. That is probably out of the question right now, so the choice is to come out and risk everything above or stay in the closet and get to keep the woman you love in your lives.

I have been polyamorous for over half of my life, and do you know that if I had it to do again I would NOT come out?

Are all three people in your triad aware of the other's feelings regarding being out or staying in? Have the three of you sat down and discussed this in detail to at least get the feelings out and in the open?

Ry
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  #24  
Old 05-06-2013, 04:25 PM
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Default Feelings

Yes, everyone has talked and we all know eachothers' feelings. But MD isn't happy and she is also not willing to come out. So romance is off the table. It feels impossible to turn that off, but I will for her happiness. Right now we are all mourning.

Thank you for your perspective. I appreciate hearing from others. It helps in some way. I am trying to live in this moment and feel without judgement or try to find a solution. It's incredibly difficult.
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  #25  
Old 05-06-2013, 06:12 PM
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franchescasc franchescasc is offline
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Default Another thing

U know what kills me?? People get passes when they have affairs and cheat and lie. Why the hell can't I love openly and honestly?
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  #26  
Old 05-06-2013, 07:28 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by franchescasc View Post
U know what kills me?? People get passes when they have affairs and cheat and lie. Why the hell can't I love openly and honestly?
Well you can do, but it would involve a great life change and you might not be able or willing to do that. So for now I would suggest letting yourself mourn the end of this relationship, whatever it is you need, tears, wine, ice cream, more tears, venting, wine, ice cream and more tears. It is ok to feel it.

Then when you are ready to open yourself up to love again, maybe look to people in similar circumstances, married or partnered people are often far more comfortable with the closet than single people (except those who really don't want a primary relationship at all).

((hugs))

Natja
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  #27  
Old 05-07-2013, 05:58 AM
LPaigex LPaigex is offline
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Default small town secrets

i live in a small town as well, smack in the middle of the SC Bible Belt. no one understands, everyone judges and everyone talks. only been in a poly relationship for a little over a month and already i've lost so many friends. most i didn't tell personally, they found out in other ways. i'm terrified of what my and JS's families will think when they find out i now have a boyfriend while we're engaged. i worry day and night over the possibilities of DSS trying to take my son away... If i had the money best believe i would move somewhere new, start fresh... it feels so right and i'm so happy... we're all so in love. but it's hard to feel right about something when you have people you've been close to for years calling you raunchy and nasty... like i'm sleeping around or something. it's love. it hurts that i have to live life knowing that people i love think i'm trashy simply because they don't understand my heart and because they're too closed minded to realize that love has no boundaries.
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  #28  
Old 05-07-2013, 07:36 AM
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LPaigex, always remember, it says far more about them, than it does about you!

Yes it hurts to be judged, I am privileged that I love in the country I do live in where people don't tend to care what you do personally (as long as it doesn't scare the horses!).

One of the advantages of Poly families (as opposed to people living in smaller units) at least is that you have the opportunity for more income into the home, who knows? Maybe one day you'll all be able to move to a place more accepting.

GL,

Natja
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  #29  
Old 05-07-2013, 03:37 PM
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Default Glimmer of hope?

MD, FJ and I have all been talking back and forth. I saw her last night at her work, and she walked by me and put her arm around my waist. Then texted that she didn't know if she couldn't have me in all the ways, and that she really wanted to figure it out. She suggested that we all sit down and talk in person, which I think is a great idea.

But it comes down to this: Can I trust that she's not just settling for this relationship, when she explicitly said to me that she's not happy hiding? Will I get run through the ringer again?? Ugh, the future is impossible to predict, but what is the right thing to do? Especially since her an FJ aren't yet as connected as her and I....maybe now is the right time to back off. She says she "wants me, so maybe she'll just have to accept what she can get". Well that fucking sucks to me. I want her too though....can I really walk away?

My thoughts on this, are that we lay out what she really thinks she needs to be happy. I also want her to confide in someone who she can trust. Her brother, a friend...someone so that she doesn't feel alone.

Thoughts? I'm so confused.
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Currently dating SM, male, 40, monogamous
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  #30  
Old 05-07-2013, 03:43 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Francesca, why not just take it one day at a time and stop trying to plan your whole future right now? Enjoy each other's company. Hang out. Do stuff. Make dinner. Watch movies. Go on little adventures and trips when you have the chance. HAVE the relationship.
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