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  #1  
Old 05-06-2013, 12:15 PM
PapaRhino PapaRhino is offline
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Default Poly since the start of the year, looking for situation advice.

I'm a 20 year old male, I have a 41 year old fiance. We've been together for about a year now and I proposed to her around Christmas time. We both love each other very, very much and wish to spend years and years and years together.

I moved in with her from Michigan to New York last October, a short while after she broke up with her 15 year long relationship partner, a now 61 year old man. A few weeks after I had proposed, she told me she needed him in the picture. So I agreed to this, she now sees him at his home 3~ times a week, and stays overnight with him once a week. I live in her home that we maintain together, and I work for her business and clean around the house to do my part.

This worked out fine and I was content with it for quite some time, for the past 4 1/2 months even. Until I was approached by a new prospective relationship partner over the past few weeks, having known her about a month and a half now.

This new partner of mine is 19, and shares many more hobbies than my fiance and I do, but they are both amazing people and hold equal footing in my heart I believe. I love my fiance's business and her elegant, distinguished and classical outlook on the world, she has an amazing opera voice and seeing her perform is a thing of dreams.

The new girl, shares my interests in video games, trading card games, skateboarding, longboarding, punk rock and metal concerts, and the more down and dirty things in life, and also expresses a much kinkier interest when it comes to sex.

I've talked about the new partner with my fiance and they both agree that they're fine with the situation. My problem is, this new partner is going to be potentially leaving out of state for college in three years. I haven't begun my college education at this point in my life and it isn't something I would miss for anyone, even my fiance, so I have plans to enroll next Spring after I learn to drive and receive my license and buy my first car of course.

My dilemma is..my fiance wants to push our marriage date forward, to next year. I proposed to her in a monogamous situation, and it was for commitment purposes. Things got shook up because of the old man coming back into the picture, of course, and are even more shaken up by the entrance of my new partner.

What are my options? Do I leave my fiance's home next Spring and live off-campus and go to school with my new partner and continue to grow myself, instead of enjoying someone else's accomplishments? I need to be in a safe position if either relationship were to fail, I don't want to be homeless of course.

I hope this is an acceptable first post here at Polyamory.com. Thank you and I look forward to discussing my relationship with you.
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  #2  
Old 05-06-2013, 01:41 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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My dilemma is..my fiance wants to push our marriage date forward, to next year. I proposed to her in a monogamous situation, and it was for commitment purposes.
You could say "No, thank you. I don't want to set that date for a wedding. I proposed to you under monogamous conditions and conditions have changed. Let's wait and see how we handle one big change at a time rather than piling on another one on top and making stress for ourselves."

I'm a fan of long Engagement. When you propose, you propose to you dating partner that you enter the Time of Engagement. And the purpose of that time is to reflect and prepare for marriage. Why short change yourselves on that? Could take pre-marital classes at your house of worship, county extension office, or online to help you prepare and make sure you are talking about all the things to need to be talking about.

Because if it turns out in the Engagement time that you come to find you are NOT not compatible? You can choose to NOT GET MARRIED. Better a successful engagement that concludes "No. Not compatible after all" than a botched/rushed/short shifted Engagement Time leading toward a wonky/unstable/doomed marriage.

To me it sounds like you have other future plans you want to complete before marriage. Like college.

Quote:
What are my options? Do I leave my fiance's home next Spring and live off-campus and go to school with my new partner and continue to grow myself, instead of enjoying someone else's accomplishments? I need to be in a safe position if either relationship were to fail, I don't want to be homeless of course.
Who is paying for college? Just you? You working + grants/scholarships? That kind of dictates when/where you can go and how to support yourself as a student.

I'm glad you are thinking about that kind of thing.

And you are right -- you want to be financially independent so if it turns up with you single, you can support yourself and STILL be ok.

I would suggest that at 20? You keep your options flexible. Enjoying being engaged but don't go deeper than that til you accomplish college and whatever else you want to explore as an unmarried person.

Life is long -- you don't have to be rushing through it and cram all your adult experiences packed into the first decade of your adult life. You could choose to spread them out so you can savor them.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 05-06-2013 at 02:00 PM.
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  #3  
Old 05-06-2013, 03:22 PM
PapaRhino PapaRhino is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post

Who is paying for college? Just you? You working + grants/scholarships? That kind of dictates when/where you can go and how to support yourself as a student.

I'm glad you are thinking about that kind of thing.

And you are right -- you want to be financially independent so if it turns up with you single, you can support yourself and STILL be ok.

I would suggest that at 20? You keep your options flexible. Enjoying being engaged but don't go deeper than that til you accomplish college and whatever else you want to explore as an unmarried person.

Life is long -- you don't have to be rushing through it and cram all your adult experiences packed into the first decade of your adult life. You could choose to spread them out so you can savor them.

Galagirl
Yes, you are correct, college is much more prominent in my mind than marriage is right now.

I would be paying for my schooling myself from loans + grants/scholarships. I plan on doing freelance computer repair and enthusiast computer building while I'm in school to help pay for other things outside of my study, room and board.

This is what I was trying to tell my fiance, but from her point of view, if things are going well with her and I, then why do I need to rush into school and why do I need to experience the 20 year old college life if I'm really in love with her and cherish our lifestyle that we have together?

My answer to this is that these years are a once in a lifetime opportunity, and that I'm only going to be in my 20's once in my life.

Thank you.
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Old 05-06-2013, 03:49 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Your fiancee is 20 or so years older. She has lived a chunk of her life, probably accomplished some of her dreams, and is independent. She should be encouraging you to do that. Maybe she likes the idea of you being dependent on her. If you are not ready for marriage, you are just not ready. Be firm when you tell her no, you do not want to push up the date. Kudos to you for having goals and wanting to further your education.

I got married at 21, but I stilled lived the university life as much as my time and course load would allow. I never did anything that disrespected my husband or then-girlfriend, and I did cherish the life we had. No, I was not out until 4 in the morning and taking body shots from in between somebody's breasts, but my entire university experience was great. They were both slightly older than me, so they were in different chapters of their lives, but they understood that I wanted to experience those things, so they encouraged it.

I do think your fiancee is being a bit unfair. I guarantee if you ask her some of the things she did in her 20s, they will mirror some of the things you want to do and should be able to do as long as you are not disrespecting her, yourself, or doing something you would not want her to see/know about.. There is no rule that says you have to jam pack marriage, owning a home, having children, etc. or whatever in the first five years of adulthood.

I think your and your fiancee would do well to have a long engagement and adapt to the changes and additions in your lives before getting married.

I say go to school, live off-campus, if it is more cost effective, and grow into the person you want to ultimately be. Make some new friends, experience the life, join a fraternity, or whatever it is that you desire. Her support would be nice, but it is not mandatory. You can revel in her success and be just as happy for her whether you are sitting right next to her or away from her. Genuine happiness for someone's accomplishments does not mean you have to be right there or that you value what they have accomplished any less.

Ry
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  #5  
Old 05-06-2013, 04:19 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PapaRhino View Post
Yes, you are correct, college is much more prominent in my mind than marriage is right now.

I would be paying for my schooling myself from loans + grants/scholarships. I plan on doing freelance computer repair and enthusiast computer building while I'm in school to help pay for other things outside of my study, room and board.

This is what I was trying to tell my fiance, but from her point of view, if things are going well with her and I, then why do I need to rush into school and why do I need to experience the 20 year old college life if I'm really in love with her and cherish our lifestyle that we have together?

My answer to this is that these years are a once in a lifetime opportunity, and that I'm only going to be in my 20's once in my life.

Thank you.
Holy shit bubba, are you SURE you're only 20? You sound like the most wise 20year-old i ever heard. I would get myself checked to make sure i'm not the next Dalai-Lama or something, if i were you.

Now, i'm not saying there is ANYTHING wrong with a 20-year-old person and a 40-year-old person getting married; but there IS something wrong with a 40-year-old person who expects a 20-year-old to NOT GET AN EDUCATION just so they can be a dependent spouse. That is not what a loving relationship is about. A loving relationship is one where both partners want what is best for each other in the long run, even if it means being physically separated for some time in order to accomplish certain things to that effect. Your fiancee is asking you to forfeit your own personal enrichment in order to satisfy her short-term "needs". I put "needs" in quotes because i think most of what people refer to as "needs" in a relationship are not needs at all, but areas that need work on oneself. People say things like, "i need sex a certain number of times per week" but no, you do NOT "need" sex ANY number of times per ANYthing. No one starves or suffocates or evaporates because they aren't getting laid enough. What do people do when they are single? Injured? Sick? Have to leave town for a funeral or a business trip?

Sorry to digress a bit there. You just keep right on thinking for yourself and trusting your own conscience. That is maybe the most important thing people can do, that most people don't realize they can do. I would say that the majority of folks who come here for advice already know what they should do but are afraid to listen to themselves. They let themselves be talked into playing some game of "poly-tetris" when it isn't about a "poly relationship" at all, it's about being true to thine own self.
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Old 05-06-2013, 04:36 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
This is what I was trying to tell my fiance, but from her point of view, if things are going well with her and I, then why do I need to rush into school and why do I need to experience the 20 year old college life if I'm really in love with her and cherish our lifestyle that we have together?

My answer to this is that these years are a once in a lifetime opportunity, and that I'm only going to be in my 20's once in my life.
Pretty much.

This is YOUR life experience, and you get to be the captain of your own ship. You WANT to experience the 20 year old college life, it is not unreasonable to want for your age and stage of life.

She can share in some of your life with you, but honestly? If things are going well with your relationship, you taking off for school is no different than if one of you were military and deployed. Or in some other line of work where travel elsewhere is required. People can and do adjust to the schedules of the significant other.

Why does she want to hold you back from education? Because it might make you able to support yourself even better and not need her financial support? Worried you will find someone else? What's her rationale here?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 05-06-2013 at 04:41 PM.
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  #7  
Old 05-06-2013, 05:06 PM
PapaRhino PapaRhino is offline
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Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
Your fiancee is 20 or so years older. She has lived a chunk of her life, probably accomplished some of her dreams, and is independent. She should be encouraging you to do that. Maybe she likes the idea of you being dependent on her. If you are not ready for marriage, you are just not ready. Be firm when you tell her no, you do not want to push up the date. Kudos to you for having goals and wanting to further your education.

I got married at 21, but I stilled lived the university life as much as my time and course load would allow. I never did anything that disrespected my husband or then-girlfriend, and I did cherish the life we had. No, I was not out until 4 in the morning and taking body shots from in between somebody's breasts, but my entire university experience was great. They were both slightly older than me, so they were in different chapters of their lives, but they understood that I wanted to experience those things, so they encouraged it.

I do think your fiancee is being a bit unfair. I guarantee if you ask her some of the things she did in her 20s, they will mirror some of the things you want to do and should be able to do as long as you are not disrespecting her, yourself, or doing something you would not want her to see/know about.. There is no rule that says you have to jam pack marriage, owning a home, having children, etc. or whatever in the first five years of adulthood.

I think your and your fiancee would do well to have a long engagement and adapt to the changes and additions in your lives before getting married.

I say go to school, live off-campus, if it is more cost effective, and grow into the person you want to ultimately be. Make some new friends, experience the life, join a fraternity, or whatever it is that you desire. Her support would be nice, but it is not mandatory. You can revel in her success and be just as happy for her whether you are sitting right next to her or away from her. Genuine happiness for someone's accomplishments does not mean you have to be right there or that you value what they have accomplished any less.

Ry
She got stranded in Florida with her friends and begged for money for a train to get back to New York when she was 19. *rolls my eyes* She's done some fun stuff.

Her concern is that if I go to school off-campus, I'll be spending far more time with my new partner. Which is a valid concern, and I've told her that nothing in another relationship is going to falter my feelings for her, and I do mean it. My new partner however, wants to leave the state for college in three years, that's the issue, after we get our associates degrees, where do we go? Do I stay with my fiance? Do I take off for a 4 year school? Should I just break things off with my fiance at the end of this year and be monogamous with my new partner, so that my growth isn't restricted, and potentially revisit this relationship at a later date in time?

Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Holy shit bubba, are you SURE you're only 20? You sound like the most wise 20year-old i ever heard. I would get myself checked to make sure i'm not the next Dalai-Lama or something, if i were you.

Now, i'm not saying there is ANYTHING wrong with a 20-year-old person and a 40-year-old person getting married; but there IS something wrong with a 40-year-old person who expects a 20-year-old to NOT GET AN EDUCATION just so they can be a dependent spouse. That is not what a loving relationship is about. A loving relationship is one where both partners want what is best for each other in the long run, even if it means being physically separated for some time in order to accomplish certain things to that effect. Your fiancee is asking you to forfeit your own personal enrichment in order to satisfy her short-term "needs".
She wants me to get an education, but she doesn't want me to go anywhere, she still wants to be able to see me roughly 3-4 times a week, even if I move in with the new girl. And I'm scared that I'll have to lose one or the other and make a decision.
Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Pretty much.

This is YOUR life experience, and you get to be the captain of your own ship. You WANT to experience the 20 year old college life, it is not unreasonable to want for your age and stage of life.

She can share in some of your life with you, but honestly? If things are going well with your relationship, you taking off for school is no different than if one of you were military and deployed. Or in some other line of work where travel elsewhere is required. People can and do adjust to the schedules of the significant other.

Why does she want to hold you back from education? Because it might make you able to support yourself even better and not need her financial support? Worried you will find someone else? What's her rationale here?

Galagirl
She made this comparison a few nights ago when the subject got brought up, she told me she refuses to be a military wife and that she won't put up with it, and that if I plan on doing so, I should leave right now, and go get some low rent apartment and find a job quickly. Not cool.You can see why I'm pushing so hard to get out from under her dependency so quickly.

Last edited by PapaRhino; 05-06-2013 at 05:18 PM.
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Old 05-06-2013, 05:17 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Sounds like this is a woman who knows she wants what she wants and she better get it or else.

This is where she might end up with "or else".

You know, you can love someone with all your mind body and soul, be "in love", and have them feel the same way about you, and STILL NOT MAKE GOOD PARTNERS now, or ever.

I think she wants to keep uou dependent on her so she can control you. I can't imagine saying to either of my partners, "postpone your dreams and goals so i can have you by my side". I have sometimes not had contact with my Other Partner (the one i'm not married to) for YEARS, and not only do we always pick up right where we left off, but the sex gets better EVERY time, so much so that i'm a little afraid of going back for more because i don't know if i can handle that much awesomeness. I wish the same thing on yourself.
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Old 05-06-2013, 05:25 PM
PapaRhino PapaRhino is offline
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Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Sounds like this is a woman who knows she wants what she wants and she better get it or else.

This is where she might end up with "or else".

You know, you can love someone with all your mind body and soul, be "in love", and have them feel the same way about you, and STILL NOT MAKE GOOD PARTNERS now, or ever.

I think she wants to keep uou dependent on her so she can control you. I can't imagine saying to either of my partners, "postpone your dreams and goals so i can have you by my side". I have sometimes not had contact with my Other Partner (the one i'm not married to) for YEARS, and not only do we always pick up right where we left off, but the sex gets better EVERY time, so much so that i'm a little afraid of going back for more because i don't know if i can handle that much awesomeness. I wish the same thing on yourself.
She doesn't want to keep me dependent, she wants to keep me at home though.

I think what I'm going to do is wait the rest of this year out while working for my fiance, learn to drive, get a car, tell my fiance that I'm going to be leaving for school and that she's welcome to be as much of a part of my life as I can give her at any time. Sign up for classes with the new girl, move to her town and start my education and grow with her, she seems to be more flexible and a better match in terms of interests and the path we want to take, I want to develop android apps, she wants to go media design, match made in heaven right?
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Old 05-06-2013, 05:40 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Sounds like you have come to a conclusion. You seem to show sensible judgement and will choose well even if the choices are difficult.

Don't be afraid of choosing. We choose all day long, hon.

What to eat for breakfast? What clothes to wear today? Where to park the car?

Just that some choices are small and others are big. Some consequences are felt as small things and others as big things. But ALL choices come with consequences. Even choosing not to choose -- that is a choice. Time will march on and here comes the consequences of passive selection.

Could keep working to get out from being so dependent on your fiancee. Maybe apply for work elsewhere with improved pay. Or even same pay but better emotionally/psychologically so she is not also your boss.

But def don't get legally wed if your thoughts are running in that direction right now.

Again, better a SUCCESSFUL engagement that helps you both to realize you are not compatible for marriage. Than a failed marriage stemming from a poorly executed Engagement Time that was to rushy or not talking deeply enough.

Galagirl
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