Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #321  
Old 05-03-2013, 02:01 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 867
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Sounds like you showing up did your spouse some good. And because of you doing that, it did your marriage in turn some good. Even you just being there and showing up to be counted. PRESENT for roll call even if you mind struggles to stay present where it finds things yucky. You do not enjoy being vulnerable and dealing in "feeelings" and yet you are still there doing it for you, him, and marriage.

Look at where it seemed to lead to next?

And what you write most recently:


You remind me of the quote in "Good Omens" by Terry Pratchett.

"It might, or might not, have helped Anathema get a clear view of things if she'd been allowed to spot the very obvious reason why she couldn't see Adam's aura. It was for the same reason that people in Trafalgar Square can't see England."


Your marriage (and its needs) is bigger than you (and your needs.) You are in the marriage. But the marriage is bigger than you.

Can't always be looking at if from "tree level" tree by tree. Gotta move up to the balcony view sometimes and learn see if from the "forest" angle.

Maybe thinking about that perspective could help you when you are feeling ugh or down?

Galagirl
I am glad it did him some good. It did me no good. It might have done wonders for my marriage, but if I am just showing up and not even mentally there, it makes me wonder how much good is actually being done?

My mind did not just struggle. It was not there at no point. For two hours, I checked out. I was thinking about what needed to be done at work, how much I did not want to be there, and just how irritated the whole thing was making me. When questions were asked, I barely answered. I nodded to show that I heard what was being said, but I did not actually listen to what was being said. When I am that distracted, I am no good to anyone around me. It is like repeatedly saying, "Huh" or "What," when someone asks a question multiple times.

My marriage is bigger than me and my needs, and yesterday, its needs faded into obscurity and blackness. I cannot say today is much better. I needed not to be there yesterday, but I showed up to be accounted for. I think I would have done better playing with my phone, filing my nails, or just leaving after attendance had been taken. That is about how useful I felt. Seriously, it was bad.

The quote is very true. It might help to think about things from that perspective. Thank you for that.
Reply With Quote
  #322  
Old 05-03-2013, 02:07 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 867
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by NutBusterX View Post
con·di·tion·ing (kn-dsh-nng)
n. Psychology
A process of behavior modification by which a subject comes to associate a desired behavior with a previously unrelated stimulus.


I'd say you are very much in the conditioning phase at the moment. Expect to be sore and feel like quitting. As you become stronger, so will you become better able to resist fatigue. Breathe well. Take breaks. Stay hydrated. Hang in there, Ry.
Thank you. I just feel like quitting, and though we are still in the discussion process of whether to continue or take a break for our search efforts, mentally, I have already quit counselling. I have officially checked out. Yesterday was proof of that. I am trying to hang in there, but there is a reason why I have never trained for marathons or anything of the sort. My stamina and conditioning are never up to par, and that is precisely how I feel right now.

The good news is we are checking out new therapists the first week of June, so we will be winging it for the next month. I hope we do not do any more damage, if we decide to take a break for awhile. He is more than welcome to continue. I will not be there, though.
Reply With Quote
  #323  
Old 05-03-2013, 10:44 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 867
Default Check-In

Today was a MUCH better day than every other day this week. I was beginning to wonder if I was going to stay down and out.

My hubby and I have a tradition that dates back to the first week that I met him. Since we have known each other, he has sent me flowers every week. Today was the lucky day, and I must say that they could not have come at a better time. They made me smile and put me into excellent spirits.

I got off work fairly early today. 10-4 is a lovely schedule. Too bad every day is not like that. When I got home, Matt was already there. He greeted me a hug and a kiss. I am not even big on hugging, but it was exactly what I needed. I needed that physical touch, and I appreciated it more than ever. Our children were still out with their nanny. We talked while I was in the shower. After I got out, we watched this show. The name has escaped me, but it was nice to just cuddle, talk, and enjoy being around one another. He even asked me out tonight. Yesterday's date was kind of clouded by my sadness, so I felt like we needed a re-do. He beat me to the punch, but that is okay. It was nice to have that alone time.

Our children and their nanny came in minutes before 6. We spent time listening to my daughter talk about her day, what they did, and playing with our son. I love when he snuggles up against me and plays with his feet. It takes very little to make him happy.

I had a cup of tea with her while Matt was playing with our children. Her sense of humour is the best. She has become a dear friend, which is why she is coming with me and my best friend to see Beyonce tomorrow night. I love that my children get on with her with ease. She is a wonderful woman, and I love her to pieces. She is an angel in our lives, and I am so grateful that she is moving with us.

We left them downstairs playing, so we could dressed. It actually did not take me that long. Surprisingly. We left a bit before 7:30 in order to make it to the show we were going to see. After the show, we went to this restaurant. We like no frills. I hate those overpriced, bourgeois restaurants with foods that are just disgusting. I will take a burger and fries any day over duck foie gras and other nastiness. The restaurant was a soul food themed place. (We went to the Superbowl, and the food in New Orleans was unlike anything we have ever tasted. I fell in love with the food.) The place that we went to had fried catfish, fried chicken, and gumbo. I was a happy woman.

After dinner, we left to go home since the second half of our evening was not slated to begin until after midnight. The actual show starts at 1. We made it back around 10:30, and we did our nightly routine with our children. It did not take them long to go to sleep.

They are sleeping peacefully, and I am getting dressed. Matt is downstairs with two of our mutual friends. They are joining us for a wee hour venture at the The Box. The last time I went it was... There is a reason why cameras are not allowed!

My best friend is flying in tomorrow, so I am in super happy spirits for the weekend. I am working for a few hours tomorrow morning and Sunday morning. Tomorrow night will be ladies night at the Beyonce concert. Matt will be off at a stag do. Sunday is reserved for family.

I am much better today than I was yesterday. I was down and out for sure. I actually was the first half of the day. I found myself blinking away tears a couple of times. I bounced back and kept it together. I am not sure what was wrong, but I guess everyone is entitled to days of sadness.

Here is to a great weekend with lots of love, relaxation, family time, laughter, memories, and good times!

I hope everyone who reads this has an excellent weekend, too.


Ry

Last edited by FullofLove1052; 05-04-2013 at 01:42 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #324  
Old 05-04-2013, 12:07 AM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 4,422
Default

Just checking in to wish you well and let you know I am still following your story.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #325  
Old 05-04-2013, 12:47 AM
monkeystyle monkeystyle is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 114
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Just checking in to wish you well and let you know I am still following your story.
Same as Kevin - glad to see some positives amongst the gloomy stuff lately.
Reply With Quote
  #326  
Old 05-04-2013, 01:46 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 867
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Just checking in to wish you well and let you know I am still following your story.
Thank you, Kevin. Your support is truly appreciated. I hope all is well your way.
Reply With Quote
  #327  
Old 05-04-2013, 01:47 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 867
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by monkeystyle View Post
Same as Kevin - glad to see some positives amongst the gloomy stuff lately.
Thank you. The positives are welcome for sure and were definitely needed!
Reply With Quote
  #328  
Old 05-05-2013, 10:33 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 867
Default

Morning, morning, morning!

Today is a wonderful day. Well, the whole weekend has been wonderful. It started yesterday. I worked the first few hours of the morning. My best friend, her husband, and their two children arrived an hour earlier than expected, but it worked out because of the traffic. We invited them over for brunch, and it was nice. Our husbands left, and our respective days started. We agreed to meet at 6 for a pre-concert dinner.

Brit and I did some shopping, had lunch, and high tea. It felt good to talk about everything, and I always appreciate her perspective. We had a chocolate themed high tea before dinner, which is ideal for a chocolate lover.

I headed home to get dressed for dinner. Dinner was great for many different reasons. Our children were there and making everyone laugh. The food was excellent. All seven courses!

After dinner, we said our good-byes for the time being. They had a stag party to attend. Our children stayed with my sister. My nephews asked for them to come over, and I agreed. Si, Brit, N.J. (our nanny), and I left for the concert. We arrived as Beyonce's opening act was on the stage. I have to say that Beyonce is amazing live. We were close enough to smell her perfume. I can appreciate and respect hard work. She gave 150%. I enjoyed the entire 2.5 hour experience.

The concert ended a little around 11. We called to check on our children. I was texting Matt all night. I found myself missing him. We ended up going out for drinks and dancing. I am not big on alcohol, but I do love dancing. It is something about dancing close and feeling the heat of people around you. That connection is always interesting.

We all retired around 2:45. I got home around 3ish. Matt was already at home, and our children were sleeping. He hugged me when I walked in. The kiss we shared was the kind of kiss that told me he still wanted me. It was different. More passionate and intense. I hated to break from it, but I wanted to take a shower because I had been around so many people. We took a shower together. Water, steam, and passion lead to the start of the most beautiful morning. What started in the shower did not end there. I think I took the desire for that connection with him for granted. I was reminded why I loved it so. It was the soft kisses placed on my inner thighs and the way he trailed his fingertips down the plane of abdomen. Something familiar felt brand new. I appreciate the time taken to drive me to distraction, too. Bringing me to the edge and then stopping. It was like beautiful frustration. After, I was exhausted. My body was taken to new heights. I curled up against him and went to sleep. I slept peacefully.

When I woke up a few hours ago, he was awake and still holding me. Another session ensued. I was in control. He could look but could not touch. I like being in control.

We took a shower together and got dressed. Our children were up. We ate breakfast with them. There was lots of flirting. When we walked into the kitchen, he was kissing my neck and whispering in my ear. It did not stop when I answered Brit's call. He reminded me that it was not over just yet. Such a tease.

Now, we are out with our friends and children. I was so shocked when he reached to hold my hand. I am loving the PDA. I left him to get some boba like right down the street. I was waiting on my order, so I pulled out my phablet and decided to update.

I know taking a break from counselling is likely not advised, but I think it might help us. We have to learn how to face our problems, but we are also not trying to fix all of them on our own. We are communicating better and more effectively. Mistakes are expected, but we are learning from them and growing. I love that he is talking to me about how he feels little by little. Baby steps, right?

Things with Si are going well. We talk every day. She was at the concert with us last night and even joined us for drinks/dancing. I am happy that we are working on our friendship and growing from our experiences, too. Admittedly, we both made mistakes, but as long as we are learning from them and trying to do better, I believe it will be okay. Brit asked if we were going to get back together. For the time being, healing our friendship is taking precedence over the relationship. I am still in love with her, and if this meant to be, it will work out.

I am not pushing for Matt to accept Si as anything. That is his call to make. I will support him in whatever he decides. He has agreed to meet with her on Thursday. Our children are the only thing that are not up for discussion. I know there is bad blood between them, but I do think they need to get everything out in the open. He agreed to this with a few stipulations. She agreed as well. I am not expecting a miracle, but I do hope they each feel better after talking. I do not expect them to hug or be anything more than civil. He has boundaries. Just like her.

I am back with the group, so I am off again. Enjoy your Sunday and relax before getting back to work tomorrow!

Ry

*Excuse any typos. Autocorrect is not my friend.
Reply With Quote
  #329  
Old 05-05-2013, 08:53 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 4,422
Default

Glad to hear things are going well.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #330  
Old 05-05-2013, 10:38 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 867
Default Nightly Check-In

Today was great. After this morning's post, Brit and I had some more bonding time. We ended up spending three hours in men's sections in various stores with our husbands. I still have no idea what they were looking for. If I never see another section of menswear, it would not be too soon. Matt said, "There are no grown men clothes to be found." The things he says can only be classified as Matt-isms.

We grabbed lunch at Nobu with Brit, her husband, and their children before we took them to Stansted. It was nice to just talk and laugh with old friends. I enjoyed our one night extravaganza, and I look forward to seeing them again next weekend, when they stop over in London, before they head back home next Sunday. I hope they enjoy their holiday.

Matt and I talked the entire drive back into London. It was an hour's drive. When we got back into London, we headed to Waitrose with our children. Grocery shopping is never an in and out trip when our children are with us. I tend to like to go by myself, so I can stay within budget. When Matt and our children join, the budget doubles. I should have known that. I am glad we did it today instead of another day, though.

We put the groceries up together and talked while we did. I love our random chats now more than ever before. We also worked on dinner together. There was a lot of flirting, neck kissing, and touching going on. I like the light-hearted side of our marriage, and I have missed that terribly. Dinner was great, and dessert was already taken care of. We had picked up a strawberry and champagne cake earlier in the day. We shared a piece and some ice cream while we cuddled and watched a movie with our children.

After the movie, it was bath and bed time for the little duckies. I stayed in her room until she went to sleep. I walked into my son's nursery, and Matt was rocking him to sleep after he finished his bottle. We ended up singing him to sleep. I love our random little songs that end up making perfect sense because we play off of each other. Those moments remind me why I love being a mum so much.

Once he was sleep, we headed downstairs to work on the laundry. I dislike laundry because it never seems to end. We just finished a short while ago. He is in his office, and I am conditioning my hair before I do my blowout. I am watching some mini doc called, "A Girl's Guide to 21st Century Sex." The things that come on the telly.

I am feeling considerably better and more at ease. I woke up Friday morning determined to take a mental break from all of the constant anguish in our lives. I feel like we are back to living and not just going through the motions of life. I do not know what tomorrow holds, but I know that the past three days have been a vast improvement over the past nine weeks.

I texted Si at various points during the day. We video chatted before she went to bed. Our friendship is improving and getting better. We have a tentative lunch date scheduled for some point this week. I have no idea how the exchange with Matt is going to go, but she seems hopeful that it may help to resolve some of the tension between them. I have no idea how she feels towards him or towards his ill feelings against her. It is not something that has been discussed in great detail. I did not want to push it, but I am here to listen whenever she decides to open up and talk to me about it.

I am off to finish my blowout and get ready for work in the morning. Monday's are never slow! Good night and enjoy the rest of your Sunday's or the start of your Monday's.


Ry
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
anger management, bisexual female, blame, break-ups, breaking up, changing loyalties, children, co-parenting, competition, coupledom, demanding partners, divorce, from poly to mono, making excuses, married and polyamorous, poly co-parenting, poly to mono, primary/secondary, therapy, triad fallout, trust, vee dynamics, vee vs. triad

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 10:37 AM.