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  #11  
Old 05-03-2013, 05:49 PM
newguy newguy is offline
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Oh...forgot to answer some of your questions...No, I don't think you are a chauvinistic, selfish, controlling jerk. No it's not required to be in a poly relationship. As for your last question about if you are cut out for this...that can only be answered by you.

Again, Good luck!
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  #12  
Old 05-03-2013, 06:06 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by newguy View Post
.No, I don't think you are a chauvinistic, selfish, controlling jerk.

But for all we know, you (the OP) COULD be... there are other things that make people chauvinistic, selfish, controlling jerks besides whether or not they want to fuck two women but don't want "their" women fucking other men. We, "THE poly community", WE don't have enough information about you to judge you that way... YET.
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  #13  
Old 05-03-2013, 07:14 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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I keep saying it but there is a commonality in men IME who can't deal in the same way you can't deal, to tend to think of sex as something they do TO women and not something they do WITH women. Women don't do anything but receive (in their minds) and they want to be the only one being received. And yes, this as a effed up sexist attitude that implies that only men are sexually potent.

It also implies the pleasure women have is only real if they get is FROM a man and you don't want her having pleasure unless you get something out of it too.

And that women brought into this situation are not a threat because they are easily discarded and replaced. You might be fearing being discarded or replaced when it comes to men because you only see that as a possibility if your GF is with another man.

Last edited by Vinccenzo; 05-03-2013 at 07:17 PM.
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  #14  
Old 05-03-2013, 07:33 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cloudy View Post
So, after much loquaciousness, my question:
Am I a total chauvinistic, selfish, controlling jerk for wanting other girls in our relationship, but not allowing my girlfriend to have other guys? Is it required or expected that an open or poly relationship be open to all? Am I just not cut out for polyamory?

I'm totally open to the possibility that I am indeed being selfish. Part of me agrees, while another part of me says that that is simply my boundary, and that just because my girlfriend gives me blessing to do something does not mean that I HAVE to reciprocate. Also, being with other girls is something my girlfriend and I can SHARE. It's a common interest. I have no such interest in men. I've consulted several friends, and while they mostly agree that I'm being a jerk, I'd like to hear from the actual poly community. Please let me know what you think. Don't sugar coat anything. I want real, honest, educated responses. Thank you for reading.

-Cloudy
Are you a jerk.. IMO no. Are you being unfair and selfish yes IMO.

What if your girlfriend falls for a woman who wants NOTHING to do with you? Would you allow her to date her or are you only ok with the situation if you get your kicks too?
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  #15  
Old 05-03-2013, 08:19 PM
kkxvlv kkxvlv is offline
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It strikes me as funny how often people ask and answer whether something is right or wrong, fair or unfair. Who needs a right and wrong? Who cares if what you're doing is fair if someone is miserable. Any policy is fine as long as the people involved are happy with it that way. As newguy points out, it works fine for him because the woman didn't want it enough to fight it.

You've got to ask yourself and your partners. Right now its a preference, if your partner accepts right away. There you go its fine. If she doesn't, you've both got choices to make for yourselves. Maybe you'd like to have these experiences in life with your GF enough to work on whatever bothers you about her being with another man. Maybe its not worth it and you don't open at all. Maybe you decide this difference is too important to you to continue being together because you can't find a solution that makes you both happy. Don't sit around asking others whats fair. If she's not happy with limiting herself to women and a bunch of strangers tell her too bad, it's fair because you don't like it, she's not going to be any happier. If you really can't find happiness if she is with another guy, no amount of us telling you it was fair matters. Figure out what you're both willing to do.

That said, my thanks to BoringGuy for coming up with the most concise illustration of "bringing into" I've seen yet. I agree with that advice as well.
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  #16  
Old 05-03-2013, 09:39 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Indeed; i cannot see past this "bringing into" whenever it comes up, no matter what else. If you go about it that way, it isn't really relevant what sex/genders the people are, whether there is an OPP or not... It's about being self-aware, and realizing that you might see this as a wonderful generous thing, "look, you get to JOIN our relationship, which is already fully stocked with anything a girl could possibly want! We've installed a 3-person hot-tub, ordered the champagne and bubble-bath, and we are SURE this is what we want. It could be yours, too! As long as you want the same things we want. This could be an awesome opportunity for the right girl! But only if you are a non-smoker (tobacco only, 420 ok in moderation and/or on weekendsir special occasions, before/after meals, sex, fights, make-up sex, talks, walks, walks in the park, talks in the dark, huh? Whatever - we pretty much smoke pot every damn day morning noon and night, we smoke joints while getting ready to do bong hits, so you better do that too or at least be ok with being around it all the time, and all our friends stopping by to um, "visit". We have lots of friends, and they like to stop by for visits, but don't worry they only last like 5 or 10 minutes and take place mostly in our bedroom. Are you ok with that? We're ok with it if YOU want to have some people over, as long as they stay out of OUR BEDROOM... Unless we invite them in to chill... This is our HOME and we're very protective of it, you would be the same way if this were YOUR home), moderate alcohol drinker (beer/wine only), DDD free, enjoy caring for children/dogs and must not have any of your own children or pets, although we could probably make room for a hamster or goldfish, but not a birdcage or large aquarium. THIS IS NOT ABOUT JUST SEX. We are looking for a serious, equal relationship with the right woman."



Won't someone make me stop? This is way too easy...
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  #17  
Old 05-04-2013, 12:25 AM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Oh Boring guy, I dig the way your brain work
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  #18  
Old 05-04-2013, 01:22 AM
newguy newguy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
We, "THE poly community"
BoringGuy...my apologies...I missed the vote where you won the "Speaker for all of the Poly Community" chair. :-)

Seriously, this thread is not about me...he asked questions of people in a poly relationship...since (the last time i check) I'm in one, I answered his questions the way I felt. I'm not sure why you would attack me for my opinion on this issue...was it because it differs from yours?

Anyway, my opinion about this situation, and knowing nothing about him otherwise, I don't think he is a jerk...but if you feel that he is, or if you fel that I am for the way I feel, that's your opinion...and you are entitled to it. But to say that I might be one because you don't know me well enough, in my opinion is wrong...last question, if I had agreed with you and called him a jerk, would you have still made that statement about me?...well the statement about not knowing me? I wonder...
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  #19  
Old 05-04-2013, 01:36 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by newguy View Post
BoringGuy...my apologies...I missed the vote where you won the "Speaker for all of the Poly Community" chair. :-)

Seriously, this thread is not about me...he asked questions of people in a poly relationship...since (the last time i check) I'm in one, I answered his questions the way I felt. I'm not sure why you would attack me for my opinion on this issue...was it because it differs from yours?

Anyway, my opinion about this situation, and knowing nothing about him otherwise, I don't think he is a jerk...but if you feel that he is, or if you fel that I am for the way I feel, that's your opinion...and you are entitled to it. But to say that I might be one because you don't know me well enough, in my opinion is wrong...last question, if I had agreed with you and called him a jerk, would you have still made that statement about me?...well the statement about not knowing me? I wonder...


Ohhh gaaaaaauuuuuud not again. Not this "wahhhh boring guy attacked me" crap again... Other people get it...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Inyourendo View Post
Oh Boring guy, I dig the way your brain work

See? How come u no get it? Y u no laffing mon? Are you seriously butt-hurt or are you making fun of me back? Because before i try to explain it to you, i need to know if it is really necessary or not. You DO realize we're all friends here, we can hang or whatevar, but don't b trippin, yo.

Last edited by BoringGuy; 05-04-2013 at 01:55 AM. Reason: i'm funny. ppl tell me so. be there or be square. that is all.
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  #20  
Old 05-04-2013, 02:54 AM
kkxvlv kkxvlv is offline
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Re-read the post newguy
Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
But for all we know, you (the OP) COULD be... there are other things that make people chauvinistic, selfish, controlling jerks besides whether or not they want to fuck two women but don't want "their" women fucking other men. We, "THE poly community", WE don't have enough information about you to judge you that way... YET.
Re-read the post newguy! Not that he needs me to defend him, but where did you even get the idea BoringGuy was attacking you? If he was attacking anyone is was the OP. He only referred to you to say that while you (newguy) don't think the OP is a jerk, WE (the group) don't actually know if he's a jerk or not because we (the group) don't have nearly enough information to judge that.

The way I see it BoringGuy is a lot more boring than people imagine. He's not trying to be clever or attack people. He's just a man who is tired of people not saying what they mean. In this case, I think you meant to say you didn't think the OP's feelings about this situation make him a jerk. Instead you've made a judgement of his entire character as a jerk or not based on one short post.
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