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  #311  
Old 05-02-2013, 02:33 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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To reestablish trust you need to see this level of honesty, day in, day out, for a long time. He may not trust you right now. He may not trust you for a long time. The benefit is in establishing a pattern of showing that you are trustworthy, regardless of how he perceives you in the here-and-now. Eventually, as this new pattern is established, it will help the process of regaining trust.

It's a marathon, not a sprint. Hang in there...
A marathon I am not conditioned for and ultimately may not complete.
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  #312  
Old 05-02-2013, 03:31 PM
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NutBusterX NutBusterX is offline
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A marathon I am not conditioned for and ultimately may not complete.

con·di·tion·ing (kn-dsh-nng)
n. Psychology
A process of behavior modification by which a subject comes to associate a desired behavior with a previously unrelated stimulus.


I'd say you are very much in the conditioning phase at the moment. Expect to be sore and feel like quitting. As you become stronger, so will you become better able to resist fatigue. Breathe well. Take breaks. Stay hydrated. Hang in there, Ry.
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  #313  
Old 05-02-2013, 04:36 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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we are still in the infantry of recovery and honest discovery.
I think you meant infancy . Keep this in mind when you get discouraged. It has ONLY been 9 weeks to change and undo what you spent 12 years making automatic. It will take time. There is only so much "talking" that can be done before your re-hashing the same thing over and over again, which isn't helpful. Talk about everyday stuff or plans for the move, dreams for your house, the stupidity of a tv show, etc. or don't talk and just be in each others company. There were many times, I saved all my "talking" for counceling, otherwise I wouldn't have anything to say once we got there and somehow, it made a bigger impact in that setting.
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  #314  
Old 05-02-2013, 06:59 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I think you meant infancy . Keep this in mind when you get discouraged. It has ONLY been 9 weeks to change and undo what you spent 12 years making automatic. It will take time. There is only so much "talking" that can be done before your re-hashing the same thing over and over again, which isn't helpful. Talk about everyday stuff or plans for the move, dreams for your house, the stupidity of a tv show, etc. or don't talk and just be in each others company. There were many times, I saved all my "talking" for counceling, otherwise I wouldn't have anything to say once we got there and somehow, it made a bigger impact in that setting.
Autocorrect.

I prefer to be by myself. I just get tired of talking, and I want to be one with myself. I rarely watch TV. The DVR cue has about 90 shows recorded. The dreams for our house? I am not there to micromanage, and I have to depend a third party to be honest. It drives me crazy having to depend on anybody and trusting that they will get it done. Long distance renovations are ideal for some. For me? I am thinking about all that is likely wrong. f it was not so far, that is where we would be spending a week. I hate awkward silence. That is what being in someone's company does for me. I end up walking away and doing something more productive than sitting in a room not saying a word. We have been out of counselling for almost two hours. I have been by myself for 1 hr and 54 mins. I will see him in about 35 minutes, so we can go to dinner.
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  #315  
Old 05-02-2013, 07:58 PM
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I prefer to be by myself. I just get tired of talking, and I want to be one with myself. I rarely watch TV. The DVR cue has about 90 shows recorded. The dreams for our house? I am not there to micromanage, and I have to depend a third party to be honest. It drives me crazy having to depend on anybody and trusting that they will get it done. Long distance renovations are ideal for some. For me? I am thinking about all that is likely wrong. f it was not so far, that is where we would be spending a week.
Now your nit picking my suggestions and missing my point - just talk about anything other than relationship issues. Anxiety over the renovations is exactly what I'm talking about.

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I hate awkward silence. That is what being in someone's company does for me. I end up walking away and doing something more productive than sitting in a room not saying a word.
Not suggesting sitting in a room and doing nothing - but maybe you guys need some time to PRACTICE, just taking a walk holding hands and not talking, etc. I find this harder to do at home, there is always a distraction or something to do. Silence between you doesn't have to be awkward. I have found it can be fun to just sit together, hands, legs or feet touching (some body part for a physical connection), while we each play on our own cell phone or tablet. Not all the time, but if I don't make the effort, I will tend to isolate myself too much.

Last edited by SNeacail; 05-02-2013 at 08:02 PM.
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  #316  
Old 05-02-2013, 09:36 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Now your nit picking my suggestions and missing my point - just talk about anything other than relationship issues. Anxiety over the renovations is exactly what I'm talking about.



Not suggesting sitting in a room and doing nothing - but maybe you guys need some time to PRACTICE, just taking a walk holding hands and not talking, etc. I find this harder to do at home, there is always a distraction or something to do. Silence between you doesn't have to be awkward. I have found it can be fun to just sit together, hands, legs or feet touching (some body part for a physical connection), while we each play on our own cell phone or tablet. Not all the time, but if I don't make the effort, I will tend to isolate myself too much.
You are right. It will require practise. I just find contentment in being alone. I am slowly getting used to it anyway. He can do his thing, and I can do mine. That is the way it has become anyway.
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  #317  
Old 05-03-2013, 12:33 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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I get that, but he doubts everything I say, who is that helping? I see no benefit. It feels like being slapped in the face.
It helps YOU do your part in helping out YOUR MARRIAGE. You are present and accountable at the negotiation table. (other thread, similar concept)

You are showing up at the table to attend to your marriage and for you to be accountable IN your marriage and TO your marriage.

That's who it helps. YOU. And your marriage.

There's no halfsies here. You are either IN the marriage showing up still trying to connect or you are absent, no longer trying to connect and moving away from the marriage.

If that long term marriage goal is what you want? You have to keep showing up to be present and accounted for. You may not know what to do or say but... you are HERE. To learn it.

If that long term marriage goal is what you want? Attendance at the marriage is not optional. It is mandatory.

Hang in there.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 05-03-2013 at 12:41 AM.
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  #318  
Old 05-03-2013, 12:48 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Our date night was pretty great. My hubby's the perfect gentleman and sweet when he wants to be. I was wondering when or if that side would ever make an appearance again.

He sensed that I was feeling down and asked me if I wanted to talk about it over ice cream or froyo. That became our "thing" years ago. I can remember all the late night frozen yoghurt runs. Initially I said no, but I later said yes. I am happy I did. I opened up to him about all that I have been feeling this past week. I still say being vulnerable sucks. I am viewing it like a necessary evil. It helped that he was not trying to be my Superman and heal all of my problems. He listened, and that is priceless. Oddly enough, I felt better after talking to him. I managed to crack into some of his thoughts, as well. It was nice to talk about something other than all of our issues. I think I forgot how to laugh and even smile. Laughter really is good for the soul.

We have agreed to go ahead and start the search for another therapist in our new city. We are still on the fence about whether or not to continue the sessions here. I am just not sure if it will make much difference if we stop now. I know there is a high likelihood of regression, but in all seriousness, we have years worth of damage to repair and years worth of habits to undo. This is not going to be an overnight or remotely easy process. Is there a chance of us doing more damage? Possibly, but I am sure we will figure out what is for the best.

We have already compiled a list of six possible people in the region, and today, we are going to set-up initial consultations. He has three, and I have three. Team work. We are on the same page for once, and after discussing it, we have agreed to spend our week in Oz. We are devoting the first couple of days to checking out our six choices. I am happy with that, and I appreciate the effort he is putting forth. It seems like he cares about our marriage.

It was an idea in the back of my mind, but surprisingly, it was him who presented the idea. He thinks we need to find a therapist closer to our new home, and face to face interaction sets me at ease. After talking over dinner and froyo, he also knows that I am very anxious to see the renovations. It is nice to have some type of agreement in place about something other than relationship issues. Do not get me wrong. I trust the people on-site, but it will help us breathe a little easier if we can physically see the progress now. Matt saw it in mid-late March, but it is now May. It is important to know if our new home will be move-in ready by July. If not, we have to have somewhere to live until they finish.

I know this was a big job, so patience, understanding, and constant communication have been pertinent every step of the way. I will not complain because we got a steep discount, and they have been working hard. The previous owner was in construction, and he offered to use his connections to help us out. We are grateful for that.

As far as our trip, we have agreed on 31 May to 9 June. We talked to my parents, and they are joining us for this lovely unexpected holiday. We are treating them, since they are giving up a week of their time to help us out. I love my parents. I just could not imagine leaving my children so far away without at least one of us being close. They have agreed to come, but they have made it very clear that the week is still about us. They are still watching our children just as it was planned before, and we are not to worry about anything but each other. To make sure of that, we are staying at different hotels, and there will be limited joint plans. That was not my idea.

We just feel like we need something a little deeper than a marriage counsellor, so our search efforts are going to be a bit more extensive. We found a Psychotherapist, who has extensive experience with poly relationships and marital counselling. If this person has to be part of our lives for months or years, it has to be someone we both get on well with and have a connection with.

All in all, I am feeling much better after talking to Matt and glad we have some type of plans in place.

I am off to bed. I need to get some rest, so I can face another day. I am up this late because it is another 10 AM day. Here is to today being better than the rest of the week.

Ry
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  #319  
Old 05-03-2013, 01:08 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
It helps YOU do your part in helping out YOUR MARRIAGE. You are present and accountable at the negotiation table. (other thread, similar concept)

You are showing up at the table to attend to your marriage and for you to be accountable IN your marriage and TO your marriage.

That's who it helps. YOU. And your marriage.

There's no halfsies here. You are either IN the marriage showing up still trying to connect or you are absent, no longer trying to connect and moving away from the marriage.

If that long term marriage goal is what you want? You have to keep showing up to be present and accounted for. You may not know what to do or say but... you are HERE. To learn it.

If that long term marriage goal is what you want? Attendance at the marriage is not optional. It is mandatory.

Hang in there.

Galagirl
This makes sense. I showed up and did not contribute a thing. I cannot recall five things that were said yesterday. I knew that would happen. My thoughts were absent from the building. Yes, I present and accounted for physically. Mentally, I was elsewhere. I could have stayed where I was. I felt like I wasted everybody's time. We should have cancelled.
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  #320  
Old 05-03-2013, 04:52 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Yes, I present and accounted for physically. Mentally, I was elsewhere. I could have stayed where I was. I felt like I wasted everybody's time. We should have cancelled.
Sounds like you showing up did your spouse some good. And because of you doing that, it did your marriage in turn some good. Even you just being there and showing up to be counted. PRESENT for roll call even if you mind struggles to stay present where it finds things yucky. You do not enjoy being vulnerable and dealing in "feeelings" and yet you are still there doing it for you, him, and marriage.

Look at where it seemed to lead to next?

And what you write most recently:
Quote:
All in all, I am feeling much better after talking to Matt and glad we have some type of plans in place.
You remind me of the quote in "Good Omens" by Terry Pratchett.

"It might, or might not, have helped Anathema get a clear view of things if she'd been allowed to spot the very obvious reason why she couldn't see Adam's aura. It was for the same reason that people in Trafalgar Square can't see England."


Your marriage (and its needs) is bigger than you (and your needs.) You are in the marriage. But the marriage is bigger than you.

Can't always be looking at if from "tree level" tree by tree. Gotta move up to the balcony view sometimes and learn see if from the "forest" angle.

Maybe thinking about that perspective could help you when you are feeling ugh or down?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 05-03-2013 at 05:07 AM.
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anger management, bisexual female, blame, break-ups, breaking up, changing loyalties, children, co-parenting, competition, coupledom, demanding partners, divorce, forgiveness, from poly to mono, healing, making excuses, married and polyamorous, poly co-parenting, poly to mono, primary/secondary, therapy, triad fallout, trust, vee dynamics, vee vs. triad

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