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  #1  
Old 05-01-2013, 07:37 PM
Librarian Librarian is offline
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Default New and scared

Hello! My wife and I have been married for almost 9 years. We have two kids. She (and my kids) is the center of my universe.

So, for years, I have been interested in MMF sexual situations. She was always willing to entertain these fantasies verbally, but never in reality. As the years went on, what I thought was a phase never really went away. I still longed for my wife to be with another man. I guess some people call it cuckolding, but I never really cared for the term. I simply have an overwhelming desire to see my wife as happy emotionally and physically as possible.

So, a few months ago, she started talking about this guy from work that she likes. This quickly turned into bedroom talk and the fantasies now had a face to go with them. Being that I thought I could handle it, if not downright enjoy it, I told my wife that she could pursue a physical relationship with him if she wanted to.

Details, details, details. Bottom line, as soon as she started actually planning things out with this guy, I really started to have a hard time with it. When I told her about my hesitations, she just informed me of how I've been planting this seed for years, and she was now ready to try it.

As it stands, the two of them are going to be having lunch today, and if all goes according to their plan, they will have made out and possibly done more.

Part of me is terrified. I'm scared that I've pushed her away. That she will never come back. That this was a mistake and than I am a sick, horrible human being for even having suggested this.

However, other times, I'm perfectly fine with it. I trust my wife. I know she will come home to me. I know she loves me as much as I love her. I know she just wants to have fun, and I want her to have it. The thought of holding her back and regretting it and having contempt for me is almost as bad as the jealous feelings.

I just really wanted to come some place where I can talk about this with other people and try to get some feedback, perspective, etc. How can I cope with these feelings? Every time I put them on her, she reassures me as much as she can, and I worry that if I press too hard, I'm simply going to build up more negativity and take away from the fun of it all. I don't want that.
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Old 05-01-2013, 07:57 PM
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nancyfore nancyfore is offline
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Hi,

Welcome..

You are not a horrible human being... Some thoughts and theories are exciting and the reality can be quite different. That doesn't make any of it right or wrong. Everything your feeling is normal.

Communication with her is a must. Honest communication about your feelings and thoughts and fears. When my husband had his first date with his (now ex) girlfriend, I left a journal out and wrote and absorbed and thought and felt everything I could. You can write it here, write it private, email it all to yourself, talk to her, talk to other's here or in your friend circle, etc... Repressing feelings isn't helpful.

There isn't anything wrong with asking her to remain at an agreed upon place (ie: no sexual encounters, etc) until your more comfortable.

Nancy
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Old 05-01-2013, 08:05 PM
Librarian Librarian is offline
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Thank you, Nancy. You don't know how good it feels (or maybe you do) to hear from another human being on the subject and to finally be out of my own head.

My wife and I talk constantly. Sometimes it is very sexual. Sometimes it is just about openness and honesty. Sometimes it is about her frustrations with him . We talk and talk a lot. Usually to the point where I feel like I have taken out some of the fun, or I talk myself into a stupor. She is such an amazing wife and partner. I just don't want to lose here to anyone else, despite her reassurances that she could never be without me either.

I've been reading around a lot and am getting some good tools for coping with those feelings. I get that this doesn't make her love me less. I get that I have qualities that she needs, loves and desires. I get it all.

Still, it's just really hard. I'm sitting here, just dying for her to call and tell me what happened. That everything is ok. That she had fun. That she never wants to do it again. Anything.

I'm generally a very anxious person, and it wasn't until now just how much I realized those traits would cross over with this.
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Old 05-01-2013, 09:49 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Greetings Librarian,
Welcome to our forum.

I hope this first meet-up with your wife and this other guy goes fine. I'm sure it will. Keep us posted on how things are going, and let us know if we can help.

Things are often a lot scarier in practice than they are in theory. You just need some time to get used to the "new normal." I'm sure your wife will come back to you, and have lots of stories to tell.

Keep checking things out on our site, and see if you have any questions. I'm glad you could join us.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 05-01-2013, 11:54 PM
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nancyfore nancyfore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Librarian View Post
Thank you, Nancy. You don't know how good it feels (or maybe you do) to hear from another human being on the subject and to finally be out of my own head.

My wife and I talk constantly. Sometimes it is very sexual. Sometimes it is just about openness and honesty. Sometimes it is about her frustrations with him . We talk and talk a lot. Usually to the point where I feel like I have taken out some of the fun, or I talk myself into a stupor. She is such an amazing wife and partner. I just don't want to lose here to anyone else, despite her reassurances that she could never be without me either.

I've been reading around a lot and am getting some good tools for coping with those feelings. I get that this doesn't make her love me less. I get that I have qualities that she needs, loves and desires. I get it all.

Still, it's just really hard. I'm sitting here, just dying for her to call and tell me what happened. That everything is ok. That she had fun. That she never wants to do it again. Anything.

I'm generally a very anxious person, and it wasn't until now just how much I realized those traits would cross over with this.

I understand... My hubby reassured me that I would not be replaced by his gf. I never was threatened by her in that aspect, but there were some other things regarding her that we had to work through.

Just pointing out a fact here, but being monogamous doesn't necessarily mean that you would be with her for the rest of your life. The divorce rate alone proves that theory. I do though understand your fear of losing her.

There is a difference in "knowing" something in your head, and "KNOWING" it in reality.. been there done that once, and I'm sure it will happen again. But knowing the coping skills is the key.. I got through it once and I will get through it again..
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Old 05-02-2013, 04:50 AM
sterling119 sterling119 is offline
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Default Relax

Relax and enjoy, You and your wife have had a good marriage for years and she isn't going to throw it away. My wife and I are living proof that this can work and can be very exciting. Keep the communication open and honest on both sides. If things did actually progress to them having sex remember she still came home to her husband and life....the rest is icing in the cake.
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Old 05-02-2013, 04:13 PM
Librarian Librarian is offline
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Well, as fate would have it, the two of them have called it off. He had been hesitating for a while. He would send her flirty, dirty texts at night, but at work or at lunch, he was ice cold. Turns out he just couldn't wrap his head around how or why I would be OK with him and her being together. She never told him about my moments of fear or hesitation. She is super pissed at him now, because for two weeks they had been going back and forth and building it all up, only to have it end with him turning her away.

I'm so proud of her though. She easily could have lied to the guy, told him that we were unhappy and that she wanted to cheat on me in order to get what she wanted, but she stuck with openness and honesty. Not only with me, but with him. He just couldn't handle it, nor be man enough to tell her at the onset, or a week latter, or even in person.

I feel really bad for her since she is now very hurt and embarrassed. It was very interesting to be with her and help talk her through, essentially, a breakup.

Despite the failure of this relationship, she is committed to "trying it" with someone else. It's an experience that she wants to have, and still, so do I. She isn't sure who though. I think she needs to stay away from work, but she doesn't like the idea of meeting someone online. I personally would like to know the guy more than I did this guy, but I think she wants to still keep it separate. That's another conversation, however.

I think we both learned a lot from this experience. I know I did. I'm sure when the time comes for her to be with someone else, I will have similar fears, but I think I'm more equipped now to handle them.

Thank you for the kind words. I think I'll stick around!
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Old 05-02-2013, 05:10 PM
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NutBusterX NutBusterX is offline
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hi Librarian,
I'm Jim. I'm sorry for your wife's breakup I think you did a very good job of being supportive while working on yourself through it. Sounds like the work guy conducted himself in a cowardly way, which is always unfortunate.

Yes, stick around. This forum has a lot to offer and your story so far has been one i think people have been interested in.
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Old 05-02-2013, 05:48 PM
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nancyfore nancyfore is offline
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Sorry to hear it ended like it did.. It was baby steps and there are always lessons to be learned.

From experience, it might be better to stay away from work. There is plenty of time and opportunities for her to meet another guy.

Maybe this is the time to talk about you being friends with her other partner (or not), and how close you want to be with them (friends or acquaintances), and how soon that should happen. Not set any hard rules, unless you come to that point, more so to start getting different ideas on how comfortable you and she will be when the time does come that she finds her guy.
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Old 05-02-2013, 07:13 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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Sorry to hear that it didn't work out.

From my perspective, it is hard to adjust. T has always been involved with others while we have been together. Time and trust are has what allowed me to deal with her time with other men.

It does get easier, especially if you want it to happen, and she's willing to talk. I suspect you'll be much more relaxed next time the opportunity occurs.
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