Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #141  
Old 03-27-2013, 03:10 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,130
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by purpleboots View Post
Ouch. Fyi I haven't written anything off completely. I am, however being advised by strangers on the internet to write my.family off.completely. forgive me for not immediately following that advice. I have seriously considered it. I think that my desire and incentive to save my family merits more than a week of contemplation. I can't expect.or ask the same patience from folks on the internet. And I don't.
Alright, that's fair. I'm glad to hear that you are putting a plan together. Just having a good plan already gives you a lot more power than you had. It will give you confidence. They will hear that confidence in your voice and see it in your body language.

It's great that the last two days have been better. But don't let your guard down. Use the fact that they can do it for a couple days show you and them that they are capable of it, and remind them that you expect that permanently. This is not to be a token measure, this is meant to be new behaviour. Call them on it every time their behaviour does not match the agreement.
__________________
Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
Reply With Quote
  #142  
Old 03-27-2013, 03:12 AM
purpleboots purpleboots is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 56
Default

Sorry, baby brain, I also meant to say in response to that.quote

Quote:
THAT is what people mean about actions speaking louder than words. Not a few days, not a cuddle and a night of pampering
Yes. its easy for me to forget.when things are good again how bad they JUST were. But I haven't forgotten this time. It will take a lot of action to make things better, a lot of.work. I am trying to be optimistic right now, but I am aware.there is a lot of work ahead.
Reply With Quote
  #143  
Old 03-27-2013, 03:14 AM
purpleboots purpleboots is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 56
Default

Quote:
It's great that the last two days have been better. But don't let your guard down. Use the fact that they can do it for a couple days show you and them that they are capable of it, and remind them that you expect that permanently. This is not to be a token measure, this is meant to be new behaviour. Call them on it every time their behaviour does not match the agreement.
Yes, absolutely. That is exactly my plan.
Reply With Quote
  #144  
Old 03-27-2013, 03:20 AM
purpleboots purpleboots is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 56
Default

Quote:
I certainly have no objections to "using" him for room & board. He's had no reservations about using you as a baby sitter, and I'm sure H won't either when her baby comes. I'm going with "when" and not "if" on that one...
If they are.having a baby now, I am out. I have made that very clear and will stick to my guns on that one. I will not be their nanny and am.not a willing to.coparent their child any time.soon.
Reply With Quote
  #145  
Old 03-27-2013, 07:06 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 4,713
Default

For what it's worth, I don't plan to abandon this thread, purpleboots. If you're still posting here, I'll still be posting here. Others may move on and that's their privelage. To be honest, a thread that runs nearly 150 posts long is a pretty well-populated thread. Not everyone wants (or has the time) to read that much material and respond to it, and sometimes that's the reason why it "fizzles out." But I'm willing to continue to help any way I can, as long as you want to keep the thread going, and who knows there may be others who continue to post as well.

Re (from SchrodingersCat):
Quote:
"It's great that the last two days have been better. But don't let your guard down. Use the fact that they can do it for a couple days show you and them that they are capable of it, and remind them that you expect that permanently. This is not to be a token measure, this is meant to be new behaviour. Call them on it every time their behaviour does not match the agreement."
I second that.

Re (from purpleboots):
Quote:
"If they are having a baby now, I am out. I have made that very clear and will stick to my guns on that one. I will not be their nanny and am not willing to coparent their child any time soon."
That's the spirit. Have limits of what you'll let them do without taking action of your own.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #146  
Old 05-02-2013, 06:15 PM
purpleboots purpleboots is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 56
Default

Hi guys, I'm back....

I considered posting in a new thread but since I am still writing about my feeling re being left out of the nre I decided to just post here again.
Since the last time I wrote G H and I have slipped into a fairly stable orbit. They were doing a good job taking care of my feelings, H is not pregnant, theyve been using protection and I've been ok. The jealousy is still very rocky for me, but I've been managing to cope with them having sex more.often with eachother and still infrequently with me. They come to bed with me afterwards which really helps a lot. Usually I'm fine but on nights where I wish I was having sex, I am still struggling.with feeling left out.

I don't know what I'm asking for, I guess.I'm trying to sort through my feelings and find the root of my jealousy and work on it. I have been struggling with feelings that G isn't really.interested in having sex with me and is less affectionate with me than H. I realize that Its not fare to compare and that will only lead to feelings of imbalance but sometimes.I can't help myself. I talked.to G about it and he said if.I want to have sex with him I should try to initiate more. Some part of me resents that, that he won't try to seduce me. And I fear rejection. I have all but given up trying to have a sexual.relationship with H. If it.happens, great, but I don't have the emotional energy to try to initiate with her and face potential rejection.

None of us is really satisfied. We all want to be having sex more. I know.I am an obstacle for them, perhaps for myself too. G and I had an argument last.nigt and H felt caught in the middle. We are supposed to have a big.talk tonight, I don't.know what to say. Part of me I think is just waiting for her to move on so I can have my.life back. Part of me doesn't want I her to leave. I enjoy.her companionship when i am not feeling territorial. i am also very pregnant now, my hormones are crazy and I'm just so tired and all this emotional work is really hard.

Anyway, blah. I don't know what to say tonight, Im having such a hard.time sorting my feelings.out.
Reply With Quote
  #147  
Old 05-02-2013, 08:18 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,161
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by purpleboots View Post
I talked.to G about it and he said if.I want to have sex with him I should try to initiate more. Some part of me resents that, that he won't try to seduce me. And I fear rejection.
When he said that to you, that was the perfect opportunity to tell him your terms. But you can also do it tonight. If I were you, I'd say, "You want me to initiate more. I'm sorry, but that is not my style. I am telling you right now that I want more sex, AND I want to be seduced. I want to feel desired and it's hard to feel desired when I have to do all the work to get your attention and share in sexual intimacy with you. I would like you to make more of an effort to not only include me, but to pursue me."
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 05-02-2013 at 08:20 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #148  
Old 05-02-2013, 08:50 PM
purpleboots purpleboots is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 56
Default

Thank you for affirming that I have the right to ask that. I am doing a lot of soul searching today and realizing that I have a pattern of not being firm and explicit enough about.what I need and then feeling like a victim when I don't receive it. Or feeling like I don't have a right to demand.or.insist upon things but then feel slighted when they don't happen.

Like I was driving H to.work this morning and she said something along the lines of this issue really.being about sex with G and that I don't really care about sex with her. In reality I just don't feel that I can ask for more sex with her. Her response was 'well, why not?'

Oh.

I guess all these things stem from deep fears of rejection and failure, and from past emotional trauma from giving too much and not getting back, which is something I am careful not to do now. But I kind of AM doing it now aren't I. And I do have a choice not to.

Hey poly forum, thanks for being a sounding board for my introspection. And thanks nycindie for responding despite your prior frustration with me.for.not running for the hills.

Still working on what to say but.I've got a couple talking points now.
Reply With Quote
  #149  
Old 05-02-2013, 11:56 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 4,713
Default

Sounds promising. And I agree, you should stick up for yourself and your wants and needs. Don't be afraid to ask.

Keep us posted on how things are going.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #150  
Old 05-06-2013, 02:44 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,557
Default

Just for perspective, when my bf comes over (about once a week, we don't all live together) and we have lots of wild monkey sex, when we are done in the evening, I check in with my gf and give her sex if she feels like she wants some. I never mind sex with 2 people one after the other!

We live in a small house, so she can hear my bf and me going at it, and I don't think it's fair to her to let her hear that, maybe get turned on, and be left hanging and unfulfilled. Even if she's doesn't want sex, I let the bf go to bed and hang out with her cuddling and watching TV or talking for an hour or more just to reconnect. Then I go to bed with the bf. He and I get up earlier than her and so we have a morning session too, while the gf sleeps. Mmmm... Everyone seems satisfied with this arrangement.

I hope you can learn to be more confident your needs matter as much as your bf's and gf's needs, and learn to ask for what you want and need. And get it!
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
jealousy, new relationship energy, triad

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:18 PM.