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  #61  
Old 05-02-2013, 02:25 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I would never take any money or assets or anything like that.
I am not hearing
"I would never take any money or assets or anything like that. I have plenty of money on my own in my own name already. We do not own anything in joint. So I feel no need to rush to split joint things because I can afford to lose every cent we own in joint /we own nothing in joint. I can still make out ok financially with or without him. Even if he does go weirder on me. Thanks for the concern but I'm ok in that department."
ARE you able to financially afford skipping tending to your (if you have any) joint accounts? And take the risk of being shut out of them? Because you are well off in other accounts with money under your own name and are ok in that department?

Quote:
We have agreed if this ends there will be none of the nasty divorce shit and we will work through it they best way we can for our kids.
I point to a recent verbal agreement he reneged on. The agreement to end the GF thing and just be friends. So please forgive me... I just don't see that you believing him with a new verbal agreement on how he will behave in a divorce situation is trustworthy right now. His word to you lately on how be promises to behave in situations has been shaky. Last time it was you on the line in romance. This time it is you AND the kids on the line in your daily living expense needs now that he has told you he wants to break up.

If you do not do this to protect yourself and your kids to have continued access to money in this hard time -- is that YOU working it through and doing the best you can for your kids? For it to become "we are doing the best for our kids" he has to put in every effort and you have to put in every effort. Can't control what he does/does not do. CAN control what you choose to do/don't do.

It is VERY hard on you emotionally right now and I get that. But could not let your soft feelings for him cloud the view to securing the your and the kid's short term financial stability.

Because if you are NOT financially secure through other means, you are more than just emotionally vulnerable right now. You are financially vulnerable, isolated in town without serious friends or family to lean on. Maybe not even the plane ticket for all of you to go crash with your mother wherever she may be and live on as you put life back together for yourself?

I assume you are a working mom -- your position is even more shaky right now if you are a SAHM.

I do not say these things be hurtful or to add to your burdens, hon. I say these things to you for you to consider how to best extricate yourself from a shaky position in a very vulnerable time.

I am not suggesting you take anything away like a thief in the night.

I am suggesting you move what is ALREADY yours into a separate account under your name. Put him as the beneficiary even in the event of your death if you like. Just NOT as the joint checking holder who can make daily transactions.

Then go home and tell him "Well, since you want to break up, today I went to the bank and started the process. I moved X to my name only. You and the children are listed as beneficiary. But the account holder is just me. I left the rest in joint checking for you to use. You can close out the whole account and set up your own separate thing at your leisure or I can go in with you on ____ to take my name off that joint if you want to keep using that number for yourself.

That takes care of short term money needs so we both are separate and equal during the transition time. Let's talk about next steps amicably. When's a good date for you to talk about long term things? "

Because if you go through trial separation or divorce?

Unless you have some kind of LEGAL agreement in place already to cover those circumstances? (Do you have any kind of legal agreements in place or is this only a verbal promise?)

The fact remains:

If you and I have a joint account and we are trial separating or breaking up? We both have to show up to the bank and sign things to get your name legally off the account and leave it open for me to continue using that number once you leave. I would counsel me NOT to keep it open but just make a whole new account. Why keep an account number my ex knows? That's not wise. Better to disband and everyone start with new bank accounts. Separately.

But either joint account holder can waltz in whenever and shut the whole puppy down or withdraw all and leave account open with a zero balance. Just walk away with the cash without permission of the OTHER joint account holder. At any time.

Maybe you guys get back together in the end. But in the meanwhile? Things are weird. Could make it LESS weird by securing your finances for this "weird in between time."

Even with a legal agreement in place for how things are "supposed" to be divided in a divorce? If you and I were divorcing? I could go weird and shut the whole account and eat all the money. Well before you ever see a mediator or a judge to split marital assets, properties and debts. You could chase me legally eventually and try to garner my wages to start making good on the half that is supposed to be yours according to the legal agreement (if you have one to show)... assuming you had the money for a lawyer to chase me with in the first place. Cuz I ate it, remember? Lawyers cost buckage.

Or you could find pro bono legal aid. Assuming you had the TIME off work to be chasing me that way and can deal with the miles long waiting list for people seeking low cost/free legal aid. But in the short term while jumping through all those hoops to chase me? Would you have enough money to support self and kids in the meanwhile?

It's just a weird time, hon. Be careful.

It is VERY unpleasant to think about.

Could make it a non-issue by protecting your financial health right now.

1 hour tops to drive to bank and open a new checking account and drive back home. Or call your bank right now if they have a 24 hour line and put a freeze on all actions til you can get there tomorrow. (Depends on the bank you use.)

Short term financial health peace of mind for one hour's worth of work max. Still have to deal with the other stuff as you guys work out your situation, but at least you don't have to worry about ending up at a women's shelter with the kids if he goes even weirder on you and cuts you off from money access.

I am concerned for your well being. That is all. In the end the choice is yours to make and I'm just some internet stranger you do not have to listen to.

But I hope you can fully consider this option and not push it away just because it is painful to entertain while you are hurting emotionally. I know it is. Even so, it could still be thunk on.

Hang in there. Use your head even if heart is heavy. There's not just you but kids on the line here.

Peace,
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 05-02-2013 at 01:02 PM.
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  #62  
Old 05-02-2013, 03:48 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Default But... but...

But Gala Girl - that would be like admitting that it's OVER... Like the OP just... GAVE UP. It would be too... FINAL. Like making a STATEMENT. It might... push... him...

... away.

Forever.
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  #63  
Old 05-02-2013, 04:32 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Nope. That would be like "I could take some initial steps to protect my kids financial health and my financial health while in a weird time even though I'm hurting."

No more, no less.

They could always get back together is that is what they truly wish to do later. Or they could stay broken up and determine that later. Status of their relationship is a separate issue and secondary to the welfare of the kids right now. Relationship stuff? Can always deal with it later.

Kids needing to eat and sleep in the stability that financial health safety could provide? That's a NOW.

Papa's AWOL right now. So if Mama is all the kids have to look out for them right now? Mama could choose to do it.

Kid welfare could come first here. Adult hoohas could take a number. JMHO.

I do not know her life or how her money picture is arranged. Maybe my word of caution is not even needed and if so, I am VERY glad she and the kids are financially ok then. One less thing to worry about in all this!

She knows what she's got going on over there better than anyone else. It's Greenjade's decision in her situation.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 05-02-2013 at 12:56 PM.
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  #64  
Old 05-02-2013, 05:11 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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I'm curious whether the OP has their own source of income/financial support, or if this husband is the sole provider for the family.

I searched on GreenJade's posts and they are all in this thread, whence I do not recall that information being made known.
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  #65  
Old 05-02-2013, 07:36 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Greenjade, my bff has did not get her finances secured before she and her husband separated, he just stopped paying the mortgage and insurance, she cannot get him to change his names on some of the other bills which means she can't access them and find out whether he is paying or not.

You really don't know how someone will act when they are bitter, ignore good advice at your peril.
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  #66  
Old 05-02-2013, 04:20 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Nobody is suggesting you take everything and leave him high and dry. We're suggesting you take your own survival seriously. You sound like you're in major denial, and you don't want to be pro-active because you think it is like "giving up" or "quitting".

Listen, the people who have posted here already are not going to change their advice. We know you love him. If someone loves you, and they really want to work it out, they say, "i love you and i WANT to be with you, this is a fucked up situation but i know i don't want to break up" or something like that. Not, "if we break up and i get married to her, would you be happy for us and come to our wedding or would you be a bitter, spiteful bitch?" personally, i don't see how not wanting to attend an ex's wedding = bitter, spiteful bitch... But it sure is a way to make it look like YOU have a problem.
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  #67  
Old 05-02-2013, 04:33 PM
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NutBusterX NutBusterX is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Greenjade View Post
He said he wanted to know my reaction, to see if I would be harsh and spiteful, or want to be a caring friends and wish him all the best.
He's gauging your reaction, in order to formulate his own plans

Quote:
Originally Posted by Greenjade View Post
We have agreed if this ends there will be none of the nasty divorce shit and we will work through it they best way we can for our kids.
Agreements like this occur frequently before the split. This is two people talking and hoping for the best outcome by making promises. IF THESE SENTIMENTS CHANGE (and they do quite frequently) would you not feel better having insured short term stability for you and your kids?
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  #68  
Old 05-02-2013, 04:51 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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It's like "don't worry babe, i'll pull out. and if you get pregnant, we'll get married" then the unthinkable happens and it's all "how do i know it's mine? If it is, i'm not paying child support to YOU because i won't have you screwing some other guy in an apartment that is being paid for by my money so our kid can live there! Etc."

This is a version of what could happen to you, with details different and to allow for the passage of more time.

Basically, i have seen people (mostly females) wake up one day and their partner of years, the father of their children, their best friend, has become this stranger who is suddenly their adversary in all things. This really does happen, and i have not been able to explain why or hear anyone else do so. It could happen to anyone, even you. It's like the Invasion of the Body Snatchers, or that Star Trek TNG episode where these disembodied alien "escaped convicts" take over the bodies of Data, Counselor Troi, and Chief O'Brien, and "O'Brien" terrorizes his wife and baby by using them as hostages. I know lots of people on here speak Star Trek. Who remembers the episode i'm talking about?
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  #69  
Old 05-02-2013, 05:01 PM
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NutBusterX NutBusterX is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Who remembers the episode i'm talking about?
*sigh* I remember it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Basically, i have seen people (mostly females) wake up one day and their partner of years, the father of their children, their best friend, has become this stranger who is suddenly their adversary in all things.
I just want to emphasize the words, "mostly females." This is an accurate statement, but on occasion it happens to males as well.

The phrase i like to use is, "Everybody fucks a frog from time to time"


Do enjoy your day
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  #70  
Old 05-02-2013, 05:11 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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My soon-to-be-ex-husband and I also made promises to each other to never let it get ugly between us, and to always be fair and friendly to each other.

Ha! You should have seen him glaring at me in court yesterday. All because I want what I am entitled to under law. But he doesn't want to give me anything. Thank goodness I am happily child-free. I can't imagine going through this with kids.

Take half of what's in the bank and go. Take a stance instead of waiting for all decisions to be made by him. Gotta find your personal sense of power sooner or later, so let it be sooner... as in now.
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