Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #81  
Old 05-02-2013, 12:25 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 414
Default

I'm reading a book about addictions and am realizing that my constant need for checking in and being reassured is exactly that: an addiction.

And that giving in to it, to numb the feelings of restlessness and pain and insecurity and fear, is actually making all those feelings worse.

It's very interesting, how over the course of the day I feel the stress level rising again... I last heard from C last night, and now I need my fix. Getting restless again, nervous, and feeling almost physical withdrawal symptoms from being reassured by him that no, he has not forgotten yet that I exist.

Need to just stop doing it, ha. Cold turkey?
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
Reply With Quote
  #82  
Old 05-03-2013, 06:30 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 414
Default

So, a couple of weeks ago MrBrown indicated that his GF (his primary, I suppose, though he doesn't talk in hierarchy, but they see each other a lot even if they don't live together) was interested in meeting me.

I've indicated from when I first started seeing him I was interested in meeting her. He keeps his relationships pretty separate (though he talks to me about her, and says he talks to her about me) but she was hesitant.

Anyway, I was thrilled when he said she wanted to meet me. But then I didn't hear anything about it anymore (and did not bring it up myself).

So tonight I'm at work and he texts me if I want to hang out and meet her.. let's call her Liza.. so here I am at home waiting for the text to tell me to which bar I should go.. I'm so freaking excited!!!!

off I go! will report back tomorrow!
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
Reply With Quote
  #83  
Old 05-03-2013, 07:02 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 863
Default

I hope things go well with your meeting with Liza. Sending good vibes your way!
__________________
Lizzy formerly known as Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Matt - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 12 years and father of our (3) children.
Closed.

My Blog
Reply With Quote
  #84  
Old 05-05-2013, 08:15 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 414
Default

well, that was pretty wonderful.

We talked (and drank ) for 4 hours, it was amazingly relaxed. She is a lovely, warm and open woman.. and it was great to see them together, and feel that he and I are also 'together' even if in a different way. We talked a lot about poly, about family, society, being different, growing up.. it was all very open and wonderful and warm. MrB got up from his seat a couple of times (we were sitting at a small, square table, on 3 different sides, which felt very nice and 'equal') to give us both a big smoochy kiss. I went out for a smoke with him at one point and we just looked at each other and said 'how wonderful is this' and he went out to make a phone call and she and I continued talking and connecting.

There was this very slight moment of ... not really awkwardness, maybe a little like feeling unsettled, when we left and after giving big hugs goodbeye they walked in one direction together and I went the other way. But that was only very brief, and almost insignificant.

When I got home I immediately texted C... i have to admit that was a little manipulative. but one of the reasons the night was so perfectly timed and had made me feel so good was because of the whole business with C and Molly, who doesn't want to know about me or meet me. And I guess I wanted to show him 'look it could be like this...'

Anyway, that's not up to me. I just felt really loved and accepted.
One of the nicest things was the way she responded when I told her things about my life and the people in it.. I mentioned names and she said " oh I know all those names, we talk about you and your life you know!" and that made me feel so good. He talks about her with me, bot casually and about their relationship, and it felt so right, and balanced, that he shares his relationship with me, with her.

****************

Have a date with BGuy tomorrow. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I have a little cold which is distracting, and I also haven't been feeling very sexual lately.. and since this is a meeting of friends who will then have sex, maybe it's not a good time. On the other hand, I really like him, he's easy to talk to, and he makes me feel good about myself (both intellectually and physically). Maybe I'm just a little worried that I feel too vulnerable to have 'no strings attached' sex right now? even if it's only heavy making out, no PIV sex?

I'll see what this day brings and how I'm feeling tomorrow.

edit: just re-read this post and it has 11 variations on the word 'feel' in it. Guess I'm doing a lot of feeling these days, maybe that's why I'm so tired all the time
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf

Last edited by Cleo; 05-05-2013 at 04:21 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #85  
Old 05-09-2013, 10:36 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 414
Default

So I did go and see BGuy.. on the way over I very briefly contemplated changing my mind about the no PIV sex. But decided not to think about it until it became necessary to think about. The thing is, C and I are no longer fluid bonded, and he has big issues with condoms, so we haven't had PIV sex since he started sleeping with Molly, and the whole sex thing has become emotionally heavy and difficult between us. I doubt we'll be having 'real' sex in the near future. I think and hope we can bring the fun and playfulness back even with 'just' other forms of sex, but we're not quite there yet.

So that definitely influenced my decision to tell BGuy when we were in bed together 'ok get the condoms' and I was so glad I did, we had some awesome sex, fun, warm, light, respectful and hot. He adores my body and is very much turned on by it and knows how to do nice things with it

Besides the fact that really good sex made me feel really good, I think it also made such an impact that for maybe the first time in weeks, I felt I was taking things in my own hands, did what I wanted to do, made my own decision about my own body and my own experiences. The shift towards being in a better place had already begun but that night with BGuy really tipped it over the edge. I haven't been panicking or anxious or stressed since. I feel good about C, am looking forward to seeing him this weekend, and am no longer constantly worried he will ' pick her' over me or that I am no longer important to him.

I think it was the week alone, and the night with MrBrown and Liza, and the night with BGuy, all together that finally helped me get some perspective. I feel so much better and calmer.
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
Reply With Quote
  #86  
Old 05-09-2013, 01:18 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 863
Default

I enjoy reading your blog. I rarely get to comment, but I do hope things continue to go well with BGuy and even C. I am sure you and C will get back to the point of bringing fun and other forms of sex back into your lives. Creativity and time will make that possible.

I am glad that you are taking control. It feels great, huh? I am delighted to read that you are in a better place and feeling less anxious. I hope it continues!

Ry
__________________
Lizzy formerly known as Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Matt - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 12 years and father of our (3) children.
Closed.

My Blog
Reply With Quote
  #87  
Old 05-09-2013, 04:27 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,103
Default

Yay!!! Cleo, your post made me smile. Thanks for that. It's such an empowering thing to acknowledge our needs and desires and make choices that meet them. Way to go, sistah!
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #88  
Old 05-10-2013, 09:10 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 414
Default

Thanks FoL and nyc! I like blogging here, it helps me focus on things, and I often find that putting the things that happened into words (in a language that is not my own) helps putting my life in perspective. But sometimes is is nice to hear I am not only talking to myself

It's Ren's and my wedding anniversary today. We're going to spend the whole day together, first at a spa we both love, then home for one of our favorite dinners and a movie on the couch. This morning when we woke up I said, jokingly: "so, you want to be married to me for a little while longer?" and he looked at me and said "that is the exact same thing I wanted to ask you!" and we both laughed. Even though I enjoyed my much needed time alone, it's good to be back home with him.. we are so very much in sync, we understand each other, and it's so easy to talk to him about everything.

I just talked to my mom on the phone and she said, after I told her about the anniversary plans for today, ' Oh, and tomorrow you're going to [city where C lives] right?' I think i mentioned before we are a family of non-talkers, and her mentioning this in a casual way was pretty huge, I think. I made an extra effort telling her that Ren and I had a great day planned together, I would hate it if she thinks that we are not happy.

Very curious how my weekend with C will turn out. i'll tell him about my date with BGuy and I'm sure he has things to tell me about Molly. I hope we will be able to have fun too, not just serious and heavy conversations.
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
Reply With Quote
  #89  
Old 05-13-2013, 01:04 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 414
Default

My weekend with C was a lot of things.. fun, difficult, light, heavy. We had some great moments and I had some sadness. I'm getting very tired of the continuous processing - it seems like such a long time ago when we just enjoyed each other, without difficult conversations about jealousy, time management, insecurities, ED, sex, lack of sex, sex with others, etc.

We have a date to see each other for a long weekend a month from now. Usually we see each other every 2 weeks or 10 days, so this will be a long stretch. But I think it will be good.

He is pretty much in turmoil over his relationship with Molly. He keeps going back and forth. The main issue is that she likes him more than he likes her, and that he feel trapped and suffocated by her wish to be mono. Still he enjoys her company and doesn't want to end it. I have no opinion on wether or not he ends it, but I do wish he would be honest with himself and her and make a decision and stick to it. I know thoughts and feelings can change but this back and forth is becoming... I don't know how else to say it: unattractive.

I have a tentative date with MrB next week, I'm really hoping I can get the house to myself for a night and have him over. He hasn't been to my house since last summer.

Ren is in an intense correspondence with a new woman he's met on a poly-dating site. They will probably meet soon. I really like the things he's been telling me about her, and I really like that he's opening up to another possible relationship besides Lou. And it does add a little to my excitement that she lives alone.. a very selfish motive I know, but it would make my life so much easier on so many levels if Ren had a GF he could go visit!

I do feel much less anxious and panicky. I finished a work project I've been working on for a very long time, it's something I did on spec so now I have to wait and see what will come of it. I't poly-related, I can't really tell more about it for fear of jinxing it, but will talk about it when I have news

Another thing I've been thinking about:
I have a blog in my own language, which has for a long time (8 years or so) dealt exclusively with a very specific subject (let's say gardening, it isn't, but I don't want to mention the real thing because it's a small world and in the realm of this particular subject, i'm a very very minor celebrity).
Recently I started writing posts that are less about gardening and more about my personal life... not explicitly about poly, but for people who know me and read between the lines it's all pretty obvious. The blog is not anonymous and I'm kind of conflicted about how much I want to reveal there. I'm a writer.. I want to be honest.. but it's not just about me, other people might not want to be as out as I am.

So I think I'll continue being a little cryptic... and have my dad, who reads the blog, ask me puzzled questions what the hell I'm talking about
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf

Last edited by Cleo; 05-13-2013 at 02:40 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #90  
Old 05-15-2013, 08:19 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 414
Default

C had a date with Molly last night, and it was the first time since he started seeing her, that it did not make me feel anxious/ jealous/scared.
I was glad he told me about it.

When I saw him this weekend, he told me that she had spent the previous weekend withhim. At the time I did not know that, and I had sent him some messages and pics I definitely would not have sent, had I known she was with him.

I did wonder why his responses were brief. It is SO much nicer to KNOW. So when he told me "I'm seeing Molly on Tuesday" I said I really liked that he told me.

I did not think about it much last night. We had some brief communications this morning, mostly practical, about a weekend we're planning together.

Maybe, just maybe, I'm finally getting to that place where I can let go?
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:17 PM.