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  #71  
Old 05-01-2013, 01:31 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CattivaGattina View Post
..........doesn't mean that it's an attack on me but just an awareness that maybe I'm not doing things right.
You know I really feel that some people are very, very uneasy with the idea of stating people may be doing something wrong. I think that is going a bit too far to try to be all inclusive to be honest. Clearly some actions are not right and to be honest, I think had this person been talking of her partner, rather than herself, people would be less inclined to accuse people of being unfairly harsh.
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  #72  
Old 05-01-2013, 02:06 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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FWIW, I am mainly replying to the OP's last paragraph. I have not read all the other posts, just onewayward replies and thoughts.

Quote:
Something in me is telling me that I am falling for this guy. And, perhaps, I haven’t been able to really hide that from him either (so hubby tells me), because he has started responding somewhat. Like, he’s started dropping by even when my daughter hasn’t come down to spend the weekend/holidays with us. And he’s been calling me often with some excuse or the other (must confess, I’ve called him a few times as well).

Just can’t figure how to handle this. But don’t want to let go either.
Are you just ENJOYING crush feelings? Could just enjoy them quietly then and not say anything to anyone. Nothing to handle. Just let it blow on through here and enjoy the scenery as it goes by.

Are you SUFFERING crush feelings? Could not see this guy or invite him over or call then. Give the feelings a chance to die down in "volume" so it's not causing you to suffer.

Are you thinking about STARTING something with this guy? I do not recommend getting involved with ANY of your daughter's current dating partners or exes. Ever. The world is big enough to not have to deal in "potentially messy people" like daughter's teacher, boss, minister, exBF, current lover, etc. Why make life difficult/awkward for your own kid? You? The potential person? It isn't like there's a people shortage where you live right? Where you don't HAVE anyone else around to date?

However if you want to pursue this? The simplest course of action is to just ask the daughter how SHE feels about it and if she will grant her blessing for you to date her EX. And wait to be sure it is EX!

Before even going there though, have you stopped to consider the "nutjob factor" risks?

And THERE'S the BIGGEST sticky wicket that I see. Even if daughter gives her enthusiastic, cheerful "Go mom!" blessing?

Maybe's he wants to fuck the set and then move on to the next set -- leaving chaos in his wake. There's people like that. Wanting to collect the set of cousins, sisters, mom/daughters, whatever. (I apologize for it being crass sounding-- I cannot remember the name of that particular fetish. )

Maybe he goes nutjob on all of you leaving chaos in his wake in a different way. Can you, daughter, and husband, and son deal with it and the aftermath? This isn't just being "outed" as a swinger or poly person and dealing with that.

If you and the guy become dating partners/lovers and he goes wacko? Then he's a guy who has been with you AND your daughter and can use that against you. Could just prevent it by not even giving him that particular weapon to ding all your family with to begin with!

Could not put yourself in a spot where he can turn on you and go
  • Said to you --- "Do THIS or ELSE I'll tell your daughter about us! I will tell EVERYONE about us!"
  • Said to your DH, son, or daughter -- "I know something about Mom. It is THIS. And further, do THIS I will tell EVERYONE about us!"

Blackmail is not pretty. There's a skewed power exchange here... and it isn't the fun bedroom kind of power exchange of BDSM kinks.

It isn't just the power exchange shift between mother/daughter relationships when you are an adult and she's just crossing over into adult-ness to become your PEER and no longer your dependent. That's a sticky wicket all on its own as part of "general growing up."

THIS? This is the power exchange between the potential guy and you and your family members. What kind of power over you and your family could he misuse and cause you trouble in your lives? Social problems? Problems at work? Mental stress/strain problems? Maybe it's cool now. But how can you KNOW that he won't stab you in the back with it in the future? VERY risky because you just cannot know.

To me the emotional risks and price tag are much too great to pay -- both in relationship with the daughter and in relationship to the rest of your world if the guy goes nutjob on ya. Any dating partner could go nutter on ya, but it doesn't have to be magnified by being a nutter who's been with both mom and daughter. That's a whole other level of hooha.

So I'm hoping you choose to just enjoy your crush thing quietly without telling anyone and let it fade naturally. Smaller cookies for you, but infinitely more digestible!

If you had to turn to a forum to wonder and think it out? That could be telling you something. In decision making, to me a solid joyful "YES!!" is a solid YES.
Any "maybe" or "no" is a NOT a joyful resounding "yes." So better to err on the side of caution and only accept "YES" as "Yes." Anything less no matter how you slice it is just not a "yes."

Some choices in life is not "win or lose" but "which choice stinks least." In this case "not getting to date him" stinks less than "date him and risk all the hooha" to me.

Remember you are always free to choose things in your own life. You don't have to take on board stranger feedback. But remember you are not free of the consequences of your choices. Choose carefully.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 05-01-2013 at 07:58 PM.
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  #73  
Old 05-02-2013, 05:42 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default some of this is good guidelines for all relationships

especially this


Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl
Maybe he goes nutjob on all of you leaving chaos in his wake in a different way. Can you, daughter, and husband, and son deal with it and the aftermath? This isn't just being "outed" as a swinger or poly person and dealing with that.

If you and the guy become dating partners/lovers and he goes wacko? Then he's a guy who has been with you AND your daughter and can use that against you. Could just prevent it by not even giving him that particular weapon to ding all your family with to begin with!

Could not put yourself in a spot where he can turn on you and go
Said to you --- "Do THIS or ELSE I'll tell your daughter about us! I will tell EVERYONE about us!"
Said to your DH, son, or daughter -- "I know something about Mom. It is THIS. And further, do THIS I will tell EVERYONE about us!"

Blackmail is not pretty. There's a skewed power exchange here... and it isn't the fun bedroom kind of power exchange of BDSM kinks.

It isn't just the power exchange shift between mother/daughter relationships when you are an adult and she's just crossing over into adult-ness to become your PEER and no longer your dependent. That's a sticky wicket all on its own as part of "general growing up."

THIS? This is the power exchange between the potential guy and you and your family members. What kind of power over you and your family could he misuse and cause you trouble in your lives? Social problems? Problems at work? Mental stress/strain problems? Maybe it's cool now. But how can you KNOW that he won't stab you in the back with it in the future? VERY risky because you just cannot know.

To me the emotional risks and price tag are much too great to pay -- both in relationship with the daughter and in relationship to the rest of your world if the guy goes nutjob on ya. Any dating partner could go nutter on ya, but it doesn't have to be magnified by being a nutter who's been with both mom and daughter. That's a whole other level of hooha.

So I'm hoping you choose to just enjoy your crush thing quietly without telling anyone and let it fade naturally. Smaller cookies for you, but infinitely more digestible!

If you had to turn to a forum to wonder and think it out? That could be telling you something. In decision making, to me a solid joyful "YES!!" is a solid YES.
Any "maybe" or "no" is a NOT a joyful resounding "yes." So better to err on the side of caution and only accept "YES" as "Yes." Anything less no matter how you slice it is just not a "yes."

Some choices in life is not "win or lose" but "which choice stinks least." In this case "not getting to date him" stinks less than "date him and risk all the hooha" to me.

Remember you are always free to choose things in your own life. You don't have to take on board stranger feedback. But remember you are not free of the consequences of your choices. Choose carefully.

Galagirl
____________

if one is adept at "picking up" unconsciously communicated ques, one can easily deduce a person's general ethics scheme, as in what are their hard and soft rules in their personal constitution and what lines they draw that are fudged and what lines they know better than to casually walk right up to the edge as those who have never experienced the repercussions of crossing or even toeing certain lines are wont to do

anybody or any group that even hints about threats to what they will do if you do or don't do something should be given serious scrutiny over whether or not it is wise to associate yourself with said person or said group. But the good thing is that any person or any group that does those sort of things, when they do it becomes extremely easy to accurately tell whether their actions are honorable or closer to plain old manipulation which is rarely anything but dishonorable.

There is nothing more rewarding than being able to fully share your life with others in ways that allow you uncompromised freedom when it is exercised responsibly, but it is extremely important that you recognize people or groups that share your personal beliefs and place an innumerable value on each person's life. Nothing is more destructive to an individual or the entire world for that matter, nothing is more destructive than undeserved control over others. The reasons for this is because the longer the wrongs take place, the more that is built upon them that must come down in order to right the wrongs.

When you encounter things in your life that have no other option than to be done not right, the next right thing is to not build upon it

Then if right can ever be found or done, it happens instead of not happening
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