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Old 05-01-2013, 06:57 PM
franchescasc's Avatar
franchescasc franchescasc is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 123
Default Keeping it a secret-how long can that really work?

I am in a good place right now with my relationships. Overcoming jealousy, head over heels in love, moving past communication barriers, being open and honest. But the biggest concern nagging on me is the secrecy and hiding of my relationship (and FJ's for that matter) with MD.

We live in a very small town with lots on the line if people knew. FJ'S owns his own business, and the risk of bible thumping folks boycotting his shop is a real one. I fundraise for a local non-profit, and have to maintain a high profile socially. The risk of losing my job is real. MD knows everyone, as she grew up here. The gossip would be terrible. Not to mention her ex's mother is crazy and may try to use our relationship as ammunition to take custody of MD's daughter. FJ's mother would die, and I could definitely see that we might have to limit her interactions with our children because she would be trying to evangelize them against our way of life. She is a hardcore evangelical Christian-her answering machine's message starts with-"Did you know that Jesus Christ is your Lord an Savior?"

My concern is this: how can this relationship be sustainable if it has to remain a secret? I read about unicorn hunters and secondaries, and one of the biggest pitfalls seems to be having the secondary as a secret. FJ and I are obviously able to be recognized as a couple. MD shouldn't have to pretend she's single. Oddly enough, MD is the one who is most emphatic that we have to hide the relationship. She's mentioned telling her mother and brother but no one else. I just can't see her being truly happy living like that. When I said "we can't hide it from everyone forever" she just repeated "we have to hide it"

Can I get some feedback from others experiences who may have had to hide for whatever reason? Did it eventually make you want to leave? And for anyone who has been a secondary (hate the word btw) how does being a secret make you feel? We just stumbled into this amazing love, very accidentally. But the last thing I want is to lose it or hurt anyone. Also-has anyone felt like they should hide, but eventually change your mind?

Ultimately, I can't live in secret forever. If this is going to be a lasting relationship, something will have to change.
__________________
franchescasc-33, bi female, likely monogomish formerly in triad relationship with:
FJ-36, married 15 yrs
MD-35, gf for 8 months
Currently dating SM, male, 40, monogamous
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