I met my leading lady in 1999. She told me she believed in polyamoury. I had questions, and I said I'd try to deal with it as it came. No promises. No guarantees. I needed time. I stuck to that. Never reached acceptance. Only tolerance.
Around this time in 2000, she met Snowflake. I didn't know much about her. I wasn't around her much. I never experienced this compersion stuff you all speak of. I knew who she was. To be blunt, she really wasn't in my thoughts. It wasn't DADT, but the relationships were completely separate, at first.
2002-2008 were fairly normal years. New marriage, work, education, etc. Snowflake wasn't involved in our marital decisions, and there were no specific boundaries broken. I didn't have a problem with her back then. Then again, it wasn't like I knew her on a personal level. She was in her lane. I was in mine. My marriage was half mine then, and what I said actually mattered to the woman I loved.
In 2008, the Mrs. and I decided to start trying for the first child. By March, she was pregnant. This is when the first problems hit. I wanted to bond with my leading lady over the life we had created. It was our first kid. I was going to be a daddy. Excited, nervous, worried, and more in love with her than ever. I was at every doctor's appointment and part of the whole shebang. Snowflake was, too. I didn't like it. It made my wife happy, but I felt like she was just too close for my liking. I sucked it up as long as I could. The day our daughter was born was the day that changed everything. Snowflake was in the delivery room and holding my kid shortly after she was born. It didn't sit right with me. I held my tongue and kept in mind that was a happy time. I wasn't going to let her steal my joy.
A few months went by, and Snowflake wasn't involved that much. Her career didn't permit it. When she did get too close, I let her know that, no disrespect, but we need time to gel as a family. That could've been wrong, but it was what I needed. She backed off and gave us the space. As the kid got older, she became more involved--when she wanted to. I coined it as selective parenting. Choosing to be a dad on M, F, and Sun., if it doesn't interfere with my plans? Nah, I don't believe in that.
Snowflake thinks differently. She thinks being there from time to time is enough. Nah, buddy. Why weren't you around for the hard stuff? She can't blame it on scheduling conflicts. She changed jobs to one that allowed her to have a more normal schedule and more off time. My Mrs. didn't stop her from being involved. My say didn't matter, so I was silent. The kids just weren't her first priority.
Somewhere between 2010 and the start of 2011, my resentment reached a higher than usual level. My Mrs. had given her the a-OK to be mother #2. I found out after. I tried on many occasions and over the course of that year to let her know that I wasn't game or on board.
When the end of 2011/early 2012 rolled around, I was a mad son of a gun. Hearing my kid call Snowflake mum pierced my heart. It didn't sit right with me. She got to be a de facto parent, and she hadn't done shit to prove she was even serious about it. That wasn't cool. My kid was calling her mum, so she had become attached to her. It was too late to stop it then. It infuriated me because this is what I had been trying to stop. I can't count the number of times I pulled my Mrs. to the side and told her what I needed or how this made me feel. It became redundant, but I wasn't going along with her idea of big happy polyamorous family, so why would she want to hear me?
I was forced into sharing my kids with this person because of my lady's decision. Suddenly, I not only had to check with my Mrs. as far as plans, but I had to ask an outside person if she had any plans for the weekend with MY kids. I'm going to call it like it was and still remains. That's some bullshit.
I work hard, and my hours are long as my wife's. When I walk into my house or have free time, I'm devoting most of it to my wife and our kids. With this person having these rights, I couldn't just make plans without checking in. It felt like my plans had to be approved by mothers #1 and #2. If I wanted to take my kid to see Shrek the Musical, do you know I had to ask Snowflake if she had made any plans before I could purchase tickets or make plans? I can't tell you how many times I had to compromise to make accommodations and concessions for makeshift mummy's plans.
Before anyone asks why I didn't fight or rebel against it? I did for years. When I dared to say no, all hell was raised. How many times did I hear she's as much of parent as you are and she loves them? That made me angry. I love them, too, and I wanted to spend time with them without having to get the OK from a non-parent. I was ill every time I heard that. It reached a point when I just got sick of fighting with my wife, backed down, and accepted that I wasn't going to win that war. I buried my feelings because they were being ignored anyway.
My Mrs. was pregnant with our second kid, and in the spring of 2012, she had to have surgery. Snowflake and I became her support system, and I started hanging out with her. I wanted to know why my kid had become attached to this person. What was it about her? She was a decent person, but not what I'd call parent material. Feelings came up. In December, we became a couple. Things were straight until I realised I couldn't do because I'm a one woman kind of guy, and my guilt was stronger than the feelings. I pulled away from her. I let her know what the deal was.
I needed space and time alone with my wife and kids. too. I communicated that in the form of asking her to call before coming by. She complied at first, but whenever my Mrs. was home from her trips, that went out the window. It became a vying for my wife's attention and time situation. Boundaries were stepped over and kicked to the side. I didn't think wanting time alone with my wife and kids was unreasonable. I work with Snowflake, so I was seeing her various times throughout an 8 or 10 hour day, and then I'd be seeing her again after work, for dinner, and then sometimes the following morning if she stayed the night. Can I live and breathe without you being a constant presence? That's all I asked for, and I couldn't get that.
She was around too much. Too involved in our marriage, too. I felt suffocated. I found out some things that didn't sit well with me. She had veto power. So not only did she have as many rights as me or my wife, she had the power of veto. "What the fuck" was the first thought that hit me. That was news to me. I found out what she didn't want to move and that she and my Mrs. were making other plans without asking me how I felt. My kids and I had lost the right to say anything regarding their futures? That cut deeper than a knife.
I have been there every single day and every step of the way. Even when I was gone for that two week period, I talked to my kids every day multiple times a day. I video chatted with them, too, so they could see me. I was mad at their mother, but I still kept in constant communication with them. My kid thought I was just gone on a trip for work. When I came home, her only question was if I had brought her anything? Nothing else to wonder about because she had been talking to me, telling me all about her days, telling me about her play dates, telling me about ballet practise, and telling me about everything that was important to her. Yet, I had lost the right to have any say with my kids.
I stopped feeling like the biological parent, and I began to feel like the third pseudo parent, and it hurts to feel that way. I'm not willing to accept Snowflake as a parent. She bowed out from being a parent because she was upset with me. So what? I don't like her, and I still tried to let my kids have a relationship with her until I found out about her removing herself from my kids lives. My Mrs. didn't tell me that immediately. I found out in counselling, which is when I cut off all access. You don't get to hurt my kids and prance back in like nothing. Who died and made her queen of anything?
I've told my wife this, and I believe it. She's too forgiving. This person you love so much hurt your kids, and you just let her come back with no questions asked? I had to be psychoanalysed by a shrink and told that I'm emotionally abusing my kids by refusing to let them be around her, and she lets her get off with a slap on the wrist? Let's delve into this and see how much damage she caused my kids when she was mad at me. She left freely, didn't answer calls, and let me and my wife to have to answer questions about why she had bailed on them. That's not cool, and no shrink in the world is going to make me accept that.
Being in a relationship with my lady, being friends with her, or loving my kids doesn't mean she should've been granted that kind of say. The nanny loves them like her own, but I don't see my kids running behind her calling her mummy. It takes a hell of a lot more to make a parent than a title.
I felt undermined as a parent. I felt more like a sperm donor who had given a lesbian couple the children the always wanted than a father, so I suggested divorce. I consulted with lawyers. We had prenuptial and current post-nuptial agreements in place. The divorce would've been settled with no arguments from either side. Custody of our children? Nah. That would've been a contentious battle. We wanted two different things.
Some say my offer of divorce was a threat. It honestly wasn't. When you feel like you don't matter to someone and that they view you as expendable, why stay? I was hurting and the only one who didn't want to be part of a polyamoury arrangement any longer, so it made sense for me to leave and let her have the life she wanted.
I accept responsibility for what I did wrong, and I'm getting better. My stance on this is unwavering.
Last edited by Matt; 05-01-2013 at 04:05 PM.