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  #841  
Old 04-11-2013, 09:39 AM
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I love growth. I love when flowers and vegetables grow, I love when children grow, I love when people grow and I really love when I grow. I love to learn. I love to gain perspective.

The other night Karma and Pixi went out with a friend of ours. I haven't seen this friend in quite awhile and had a moment of disappointment, but didn't want to intrude on their time together. The next morning there were posts about the fire they had all enjoyed and about new friends and I got grumpy. I didn't like it and sat with it for awhile and waited for Karma to come home so we could talk.

In that time I realized why I was upset. For lack of better phrasing, as much as I like her and things are going well, I felt like Pixi was invading my life. She's at the club we go to, she's talking about coming back out to Darkon, she's on the computer, she was here 3 times in the last week and she's hanging out with all of our friends. I felt closed in and while not a possessive person, I felt like I was losing anything that was once mine.

So when Karma got home we talked. Now here's where growth is awesome. In the past he would have told me to stop over reacting and discounted how I felt. Instead, he said he felt bad that I was feeling that way and that he had thought of inviting me to the fire but didn't think I'd want to go. Then said that there'd be more time to hang out with this friend as they are now closer. There was no blame or anger towards my feelings, but true understanding.

I also saw my own growth, because instead of staying upset, I acknowledged that it wasn't so much Pixi being around as it was I wasn't seeing friends or going to the club because I didn't want to invade on their time together. I wasn't doing things I wanted to do because I'm not used to this whole all hanging out and getting along thing, so I felt like asking to go was intruding on their time together. Knowing that I could in fact attend these things, made the sharing of the things in my life a lot easier. I'm still going to want 'me' time, like an upcoming trip to fetnight as a date night for just Karma and I. But Pixi seems understanding and receptive to this.

And then later Pixi and I discussed it and she again stated that we should all get together and hang out. Then we discussed some other things about their relationship and my place in it. And for once it wasn't that I was butting in, it was that she wanted more of my opinion and I felt it wasn't my place to give it. A complete 180 from previous relationships. As was the whole discussing this like adults instead there being drama and temper tantrums.

She said she had so much joy in being able to be open and talk about things and it made me really happy for the work Karma and I have put in to get to this point. It was a lot of work to learn to be open and communicative but now we get to reap the benefit of that work by sharing it with her.

Our three year anniversary of the day we chose to save our marriage is a month away. It is mind blowing to look back at the growth and how implementing the things we've learned changed us. When caught up in the midst of it, it was hard to see where all that pain from that first year was going to get us. But now I know we wouldn't be where we are without it.
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  #842  
Old 04-18-2013, 04:06 AM
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I love how the whole tone of my blog has changed since we've been back on here. I'm so excited to have a metamour I can actually talk to. Who isn't so insecure to take everything as an attack, but actually talks about things.

Poor Pixi got caught in the middle of Karma and I fighting yesterday. He's been really sick and we're both over sensitive when we're sick. I woke up late b/c I haven't been sleeping with him being up and down all night. I wake up to find that the temp agency he's been working for ended his job. Surprise! No income. Then he says he's taking a shower. Now the thing about Karma is he LIVES in the shower. Especially when he's sick. So I thought nothing of it. He gets out of the shower and is dressed and asks if I'm okay with Pixi coming over. I said no.

My gut reaction to anything when I'm trying to process things is no. Had I had a bit more time to think I could have said, "not right this minute. Can I get a shower and take care of some things around the house first? Maybe give me an hour or two?" But I wasn't at that level of reasoning yet when she called and he tells her to head over. Gets off the phone and tells me she'll be here in a little bit. Awesome. I try to jump in the shower but the hot water tank hadn't refilled yet so I started cleaning.

Somewhere in the was the mention of me being upset and him asking if I want him to call and tell her not to come. Well no, you already told her to come over and by now she's probably already gone (point proven when she rang the buzzer 5 min later). I felt really disrespected. Why even bother asking if I am okay with it if you're going to ignore my answer and do what you want anyway?

We end up fighting again with her there and I felt really bad about her being stuck in the middle so I kept trying to kill it before it exploded. His way to kill it was to leave. Now normally that is the mature adult way to handle something. But it triggered me (Damn those triggers and there sneaky sneaky). Long ago when we would fight instead of talking it out, he'd take off with Cricket and talk shit about me. This led to a lot of the her against me drama because one minute he's pushing us to get along and the next he's bad mouthing me to her. So my brain had a moment of "so we've devolved back to him running away and talking shit instead of talking it out and fixing it, awesome."

I get a hold on my brain and they come back and do some stuff on the computer while I watch tv. We're all being civil and then the next thing I know he starts a movie on the computer. I again felt disrespected and found it to be really rude. In reality he was so out of it he equated it to being the same as when it's just us, he just forgot the part where he wears headphones when it's just us. So in order to not put Pixi in an uncomfortable spot again,and to be able to hear the tv, and take the hint that they want to be alone, I go to the bedroom.

Cue his trigger. In the beginning of our poly adventure, this was my way of getting away from things I was not okay with. I'd disappear to the bedroom in order to decompress and think through my feelings without having everything thrown in my face. I would also go to the bedroom to avoid being in the same room as Cricket. So he took my retreat as a sign of disapproval. When in my reality I wanted to hear the tv and took his lack of asking if I wanted to watch whatever it was they were watching as his way of telling me they wanted 'them' time. So I chose to give them that.

Hours later I came out to ask him to let me know when he was done with computer as I needed to print somethings for my interview today. He says it was said with attitude, attitude was not intended, it was really just a question, but regardless he asks me what my issue is and I tell him when we can sit down and talk we will.

Shortly after Pixi left and we talked. Lots of miscommunication, triggers and things taken in the wrong way. By the end of the night we had talked it out and were fine. We both acknowledged the triggers and their play on how things were taken on an emotional level.

But the really awesome part was talking to Pixi today. I apologized for putting her in that spot of having to be around when we fought and wanted to make sure she knew it was not her fault. We talked about it, she mentioned that she thought it was odd that he hadn't asked me about the movie and then asked if I was okay with her bringing things like that up when it crosses her mind.

Wait...what? Really? There was no fighting, no drama, no bull shit. Just adults being adults. This is so amazing to me I'm almost at a loss as what to do. So I told her I was fine with that, as long as it was done in a constructive way and she didn't feel that she needed to be his baby-sitter. After 11 yrs together we know each other pretty well. I was expecting yesterday to happen, just not in the way it did. I appreciate her concern, I just don't want her to feel like she has to be his keeper or a marriage therapist. If something is bothering her or doesn't seem right, please by all means speak up.

It's just amazing to me that Karma and I can now recognize triggers and recognize behaviors that we need to change and we can work that out. And I have a metamour who is level headed and just as invested in she and I as she is their relationship as she is our marriage. We talk daily about anything and everything, we all hang out together, I enjoy her company.

We're in such a different and amazing place than we were in the beginning. And that has as much to do with finding the right partner as it does with the work we put in to being good partners.

And the best part of the moment is she'll be meeting my brother and his family. I've never felt that comfortable. I've never been okay with a metamour meeting my family. Not that I was uncomfortable with my brothers reaction, because he's been nothing but supportive. But that I wasn't okay introducing any of Karma's g/f's to my family, especially my niece and nephew, because I wasn't okay with them as a person.

Other parts of my life may be kind of crazy and stressful as usual, but it's great to finally look at the past and the lessons learned and see it all put into action. I still have moments where I'm uncomfortable with something, but I don't feel the need to blog about it anymore because we have to tools to deal with it. I don't need to write it out and sort through it, because I can recognize it for what it is and take the steps to fix it.
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  #843  
Old 04-30-2013, 04:07 AM
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At a place I'm not very comfortable with. I'm feeling incredibly selfish and suffocated. I love that Karma and Pixie are happy. I love we are all getting along.

I'm just having a moment of wanting MY husband and MY house and MY friends and MY club and MY space. I don't want to see them chatting online when they've spent the day together. I don't want to see the ruler in his pocket and think about the scene they had today. I just want space. I want breathing room. I don't want to think about schedules or feelings or anything else. I have so much to worry about at the moment, I want to be free to live my life the way I want without worrying about anyone else.

I just explained it to Karma and I just feel like a cornered animal. Nothing is mine anymore. My friends, Darkon, the Club, my husband, his free time, my free time, my house, being his slave, everything is shared now. And I love we are all getting along. She hasn't done anything to make me angry, but I feel cornered and I know myself well enough to know that I am going to end up lashing out b/c of it. No one deserves that and I am trying not to. But I need to figure out how to solve it.

I've never been at the point where I liked the person he was with, so I've never lived this almost fully integrated life. I'm a solitary person. I crave human interaction but in small doses. So this almost full integration of my day to day is becoming a bit much.

For the moment all I can do is sit with it and figure out the answer, I just needed to type it out and drop it somewhere before I exploded.
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  #844  
Old 05-01-2013, 01:14 AM
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There's nothing wrong with asking for your space! She doesn't have to be at your place all the time, does she? Just because he has a gf and you all get along doesn't mean you don't deserve to have your own "me time" and privacy. Maybe something like that needs to be scheduled, like when people take "personal time off" from a job?
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-01-2013 at 01:19 AM.
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  #845  
Old 05-01-2013, 06:05 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Maybe something like that needs to be scheduled, like when people take "personal time off" from a job?
Not a bad idea.

I think at the moment my big issue is that we all have very similar and linked hobbies. So what used to be a me and Karma thing is now an everyone thing. Which is great for the most part. But in losing that 'us' time, there was nothing added in to make up for it. So I'm sharing pretty much every aspect of my life. And being a some what solitary person, that's a lot for me to deal with.

Karma is more aware of things after we talked last night. We're dealing with quite a bit right now and I don't think any of us realized the toll it was taking on me. But thankfully I have learned some great tools and as soon as I became aware I was able to express it and we are working on solutions.

She has every right to be involved in his/our life. And I want her to have that. So we need to find the balance of their time, our time and group time.
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  #846  
Old 05-16-2013, 06:59 AM
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Exciting things in our world. We're moving in about a week. It will put us closer to my family and give us a new start in a new town. We're all pretty excited. The goal is to get Pixi moved up there in a few months.

And my brother and his family are coming in tomorrow. We're introducing them to Pixi. She's nervous and I'm excited. I haven't had a metamour I felt comfortable introducing to the family so this is pretty big for us. Especially meeting the kids. I didn't want them to meet someone who wouldn't be around or wouldn't be safe for them to know.

Even though they are mono and it's against their beliefs, they have never looked down us or talked poorly about our way of life. When we first told them, their only concern was that it was really something I wanted. When we assured them that it was, they were fully on board. Their only request has been for Pixi and Karma to not be physical in front of the kids. My ever observant 4 yr old niece would no doubt be asking why Uncle Karma is kissing someone else and she's not quite old enough for that talk. Karma and Pixi were both fully understanding and okay with that, and it just further assured me that this is the right thing.

Looking forward to a few days with the family and new beginnings.
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  #847  
Old 05-16-2013, 09:57 AM
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I hope the meeting goes well, and I hope the move is a stress free one! Happy and exciting news is always great news!

Ry
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  #848  
Old 05-19-2013, 07:18 PM
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The meeting went well. The kids really took to Pixi. Including my niece asking Pixi to braid her hair and then braid Uncle Karma's. It was adorable! My brother and sister in law both had good things to say about her.

They were in town to help me get my business started and that went well. And then we did the touristy things. Walking all over every where including two malls. By the end I was dead. I slept for 17hrs straight and thankfully Karma was home with me b/c I was in so much pain I could barley walk. My sister in law commented on how nice it is to see us happy and in love. She was so proud of how encouraging he was about starting my business and how attentive he is to me.

On the sad end of things, Karma's Gma is in the hospital in Ohio. It's an odd place for him as he doesn't really know her and there's some not so good history there, yet he feels he should be there for his dad. It's a difficult thing to see him struggle with, but I'm trying to be as supportive as I can.
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  #849  
Old 05-20-2013, 05:15 PM
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[QUOTE]
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mohegan View Post
The meeting went well. The kids really took to Pixi. Including my niece asking Pixi to braid her hair and then braid Uncle Karma's. It was adorable! My brother and sister in law both had good things to say about her.
Aww. Children are beyond precious, and their innocence and adorableness is absolutely endearing.

Quote:
They were in town to help me get my business started and that went well. And then we did the touristy things. Walking all over every where including two malls. By the end I was dead. I slept for 17hrs straight and thankfully Karma was home with me b/c I was in so much pain I could barley walk. My sister in law commented on how nice it is to see us happy and in love. She was so proud of how encouraging he was about starting my business and how attentive he is to me.
17 hours?! Bloody hell. In my dreams, I cannot even achieve that. That was sweet of your SIL. Happiness is infectious.

Quote:
On the sad end of things, Karma's Gma is in the hospital in Ohio. It's an odd place for him as he doesn't really know her and there's some not so good history there, yet he feels he should be there for his dad. It's a difficult thing to see him struggle with, but I'm trying to be as supportive as I can.
I hope his grandmother will be okay. At best, he should be there for his father. Kudos to you for being supportive. Offer support and just be a sounding board for him. It is a precarious situation, and one I know all too well about. In my case, I do not have the chance to make amends and have a relationship with my grandfather. I wish I did.

Sending hugs to you both.
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  #850  
Old 05-20-2013, 06:15 PM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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FullofLove1052-LOL! 17 hrs rarely ever happens. I have fibromyalgia and between packing and seeing the family and days on end with little to no sleep, I completely wore myself out. I feel so much pain for Karma. My family has always been my heart and soul. My grandparents were huge influences in my life as were most of the members of my family. Karma didn't have that. He's said multiple times how my family has been more family to him in our 11 yrs together than his has his entire life. It's hard to see him struggle with finding the answer of what to do. He's only met her once and things are off and on with his dad, so he's pretty torn.
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On the plus side of things. Our niece is in her first dance recital in June and we've just made arrangements to go see it. We wouldn't have been able to but the move puts us so much closer that we can make the trip. I'm beyond excited. Dance was my life for a long time and I love sharing that with her. She was showing us bits of her routine while they were here and she just radiated happiness. I'm scared because dance took a huge toll on my body. But if that's what she wants to do then I'll be there to support her all the way. I love the thought that home will be a short 3 hr trip instead of almost 8.

We're going up this weekend to do some painting. Slowly getting things packed. I don't think we've ever been so excited for a move.
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