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Old 01-15-2010, 10:23 PM
Krazykitty's Avatar
Krazykitty Krazykitty is offline
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 33
Default My Feelings Make Him Feel Guilty how do I stop this?

Let me just mention, that I am hurting really badly, lots of emotional pain. So hopefully this post is somewhat coherent.

If you haven't read any of my other posts here is a little background:
Maybe a month ago my husband saw a co-worker of mine and immediately asked for us to have an open relationship so that he could be with her. I've been considered "ugly" by most during much of my life, so much so that I've had to work through a ton of delusional thoughts and "baggage" because of my past. The "other" girl is movie star beautiful - I'm not kidding. She could be a Hollywood movie star, no problem. I did have some trouble coping with the situation. I was very sad and depressed for about a week, all of my "issues" were triggered, but I tried to move on, put on some makeup and started exercising. Sometimes I was still sad or insecure and could talk to my husband about it and he was cool about it, and I thought I was starting to cope better.

Today I expressed frustration that I have to put on a face of makeup to even approach acceptable looking and it was like, the last straw. He was very upset, got sad himself, and frustrated that "nothing he does is good enough for me". He told me that he felt so guilty about his attraction, because of my reactions to the whole thing, that his energy which had been "naturally going to her" has been destroyed, he's been trying not to even think about her, and feels rotten when he does. He's been trying, since then, to become closer to me instead... meanwhile I was trying to get used to the idea of letting him go. I truly thought I was doing ok with the whole thing, showed him her picture on facebook and even talked to her a little bit today at work without it affecting me at all (weird huh? when she's present, there's no problem. I'm even attracted to her!). But now I feel like i've handled the whole thing wrong, I didn't want him to stop what he was doing, I just needed time to try to cope with it all. It's one thing to say "yes I believe in polyamory/open marriage" and another to say "yes we will do this, now". I wanted more information about what was going to happen, meanwhile he was trying to suppress his desires.

I know now that I am not over the name calling from my childhood (I got called "DOG" every day of junior high and most of high school... that will do a number on a girl's head, believe me). And I may have screwed up what I valiantly believe in (our relationship and polyamory). I'm doing a second job now which is tiring and a big adjustment. But now I am worried about expressing any emotions. I don't want to hurt him any more...

I don't even know why I'm posting. How can I stop hurting him? I can't help how I feel, but evidently expressing it to my husband is hurting him too much and taking away from him the things he wants... Although I agreed with opening our relationship, it seems that my emotional reaction made him think otherwise. what options do I have, I don't feel like I have any. I thought we were supposed to talk about our emotions but if it's perceived as manipulation or trying to hurt someone, is it really OK?
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