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  #11  
Old 04-29-2013, 12:38 AM
Greenjade Greenjade is offline
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The other girl has said she wants him and only him. She wants to marry him have kids with him. When the relationship first started, I said he was more then welcome to bring her home and share, but he said she not into that. I still say its on option I would rather try that then loose him altogether.
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  #12  
Old 04-29-2013, 12:45 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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She's not willing for that. So that's option is not even on the table. Is she a cowgirl? I thought it was ending because of her moving/leaving too far away to sustain a relationship? Isn't that why he's traveling to see her? She's far away now? I am confused.

Quote:
I still say its on option I would rather try that then loose him altogether.
That's fine if that is your willingness... but some of that seems like maybe "bargaining" in your stages of grief process and it isn't a shared willingness with all the players for it to actually happen.

You can only control what YOU do -- and right now it is

a) leave him before he decides anything new and there is new information.

b) State your wants/needs/limits and stay to see what he decides. THEN you make the next choice based on new information received.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-29-2013 at 01:08 AM.
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  #13  
Old 04-29-2013, 12:52 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Greenjade View Post
The other girl has said she wants him and only him. She wants to marry him have kids with him. When the relationship first started, I said he was more then welcome to bring her home and share, but he said she not into that. I still say its on option I would rather try that then loose him altogether.
Interesting, so it's actually HER that's not ok with poly, and not you? Wow, yeah, that changes things drastically... it sounds like she may be what is called a "cowgirl", a monogamous person trying to get a poly person all for herself in the same way that a cowgirl might rope a cow out of a herd. That is not ok, and is, in fact, a huge threat to your marriage. Now your "her or me" attitude makes much more sense. I think maybe it's time for him to be the one to issue an ultimatum to her -- become ok with sharing me, since I'm NOT leaving my wife, or else accept that we can't be lovers and possibly not even friends.
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Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 04-29-2013 at 12:54 AM.
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  #14  
Old 04-29-2013, 12:52 AM
Greenjade Greenjade is offline
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I never had a problem with him having sex with other women. It's what has come of it. Her or me.... We had both agreed when this was all over (before she had left) that we made a mistake getting involved with a friend and wouldn't do that again.

He is always talking about hypotheticals, and it hurts to hear them. They are always him with her because there is know reason to discuss us because he knows our relationship works.

He just asked me if I would come to their wedding in two yrs if they got married. I said no because it would be too painful. He then asked me, It would too painful after two year? I said yes, she has taken my life away. Why would I want to sit through what should of been mine? He said I was being silly and that wasn't true.
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  #15  
Old 04-29-2013, 01:02 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Interesting, so it's actually HER that's not ok with poly, and not you? Wow, yeah, that changes things drastically... it sounds like she may be what is called a "cowgirl", a monogamous person trying to get a poly person all for herself in the same way that a cowgirl might rope a cow out of a herd. That is not ok, and is, in fact, a huge threat to your marriage. Now your "her or me" attitude makes much more sense. I think maybe it's time for him to be the one to issue an ultimatum to her -- become ok with sharing me, since I'm NOT leaving my wife, or else accept that we can't be lovers and possibly not even friends.
Yes, I too misunderstood because when you said she wants to "have him", etc. I took that as, she didn't want to be "just friends" if she couldn't be in a boyfriend-girlfriend type relationship... with him still married to you, of course.

I still think this forum offers the kind of help you seek. You should get your husband to come on here before he gets judged to pieces.
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  #16  
Old 04-29-2013, 01:03 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by Greenjade View Post

He just asked me if I would come to their wedding in two yrs if they got married. I said no because it would be too painful. He then asked me, It would too painful after two year? I said yes, she has taken my life away. Why would I want to sit through what should of been mine? He said I was being silly and that wasn't true.

This man "loves" you? Sounds like he's made up his mind.
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  #17  
Old 04-29-2013, 01:04 AM
Greenjade Greenjade is offline
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He also said, his options are stay with me and never see her again, which scares him and makes him feel sick.

The other, be with her. Which means he still gets to see me because the kids will still be very much apart of his life. I think he is seriously thinking about it. Which scares me. We obviously wouldn't have a relationship other then, me being the mother to his kids from his previous relationship.
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  #18  
Old 04-29-2013, 01:07 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by Greenjade View Post
He also said, his options are stay with me and never see her again, which scares him and makes him feel sick.

The other, be with her. Which means he still gets to see me because the kids will still be very much apart of his life. I think he is seriously thinking about it. Which scares me. We obviously wouldn't have a relationship other then, me being the mother to his kids from his previous relationship.
Hon, he has dumped you in his heart already. It's just a matter of time before his mind and body catch up. He's already planning who to invite to their wedding.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. It sucks.
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  #19  
Old 04-29-2013, 01:24 AM
Greenjade Greenjade is offline
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No, swinging wouldn't be off the table. We only just started experimenting. She was his first... I've only been with one other person. We had discussed open relationships before they even knew each other as well. So it's not like it started just so he could be with her.
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  #20  
Old 04-29-2013, 01:52 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Sometimes Jade, people are Polysexual but not really cut out for Polyamory. I recall a case where a woman opened her marriage after persuading he less than keen husband and he fell in love with the other woman and left her, he simply was not Polyamorous.

It is always a risk you take when you open up your marriage and it is unfortunate that this has happened to you but I would definitely say that any man who would cause you such pain as asking you if you would go to his next wedding has more than likely moved on emotionally, you might want to prepare for the worst and please do not consider having her move in with you as a way of clinging to your husband, you will more than likely end up in a situation where you feel like the 3rd wheel in your own home, that will be much more painful in the long run.
Best of luck to you,
N
x
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