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  #11  
Old 04-28-2013, 08:16 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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I don't like the sound of physical threats. Having said that, your husband clearly does not consent to you having a boyfriend at all, so I think you will have to choose one and only one: husband or boyfriend. If husband you choose, I would suggest that both of you probably need to do some digging and find out what has gone wrong in your marriage. I would get a marriage counselor if possible.

Of course there is also the question of, is it worth trying to fix a marriage that's gone so far downhill that physical threats are being made? What are the extent and nature of these threats? Is it bluffing, or are you pretty sure your husband is serious about it?

If you're going to choose your boyfriend, then you should probably tell your husband you want a divorce. Why have him plug on with a situation in which you're in love with someone else but not him?

What do you you really want to do? is the big question.
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  #12  
Old 04-28-2013, 08:46 PM
Icewraithonyx Icewraithonyx is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Polywife123 View Post
Since he knows I am in love with my bf and not him he is angered and hurt. Like I said I want more and also since I am not in love with my husband anymore I want to be with my bf more often than many husband.
Then tell Husband it's over. Walk away CLEAN and don't look back. I think a clean break would be more merciful than living in a marriage that doesn't want you.
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  #13  
Old 04-28-2013, 08:55 PM
Polywife123 Polywife123 is offline
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He has told me he has had thoughts of killing us both. Most times he seems ok but had lost respect for me and if he's stressed sometimes he'll call me names and act as though he is gonna hit me. We have a therapist, it just doesn't help to resolve that we feel very differently. He has gotten a lot better this time around but still says he's losing love and respect for me and he wants to leave me when our daughter is gone.
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  #14  
Old 04-28-2013, 09:31 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Re:
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"He has told me he has had thoughts of killing us both. Most times he seems okay but had lost respect for me and if he's stressed sometimes he'll call me names and act as though he is gonna hit me."
That's pretty bad (all of it but especially the stuff about killing).

It sounds to me like the marriage is scheduled for termination anyway; maybe you should consider the cost and benefits of terminating early.
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  #15  
Old 04-28-2013, 09:36 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Your husband has threatened to kill you and your bf, and has almost hit you? ( I am wondering if he has already hit you.) Your bf is shady and dark, but you like it? What's going on here, woman? Do you have some kind of death wish? Are there drugs involved?

Where was your marriage when you began swinging to add spice? Already bored and out of love with each other then?

I fear for your safety. If your bf is worthy of ANYTHING, he will agree to a break while you sort your head out. Things sound very messed up here.

If you fear he will leave you if you don't, like, move in with him immediately, despite a 20 year marriage and kid(s?), he isn't worthy of you.
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me: Mags, 58, living with:
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  #16  
Old 04-28-2013, 10:06 PM
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Yes one would hope this lover/boyfriend would have consideration for the marriage and the many years invested in it.
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  #17  
Old 04-28-2013, 11:06 PM
Polywife123 Polywife123 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Your husband has threatened to kill you and your bf, and has almost hit you? ( I am wondering if he has already hit you.) Your bf is shady and dark, but you like it? What's going on here, woman? Do you have some kind of death wish? Are there drugs involved?

Where was your marriage when you began swinging to add spice? Already bored and out of love with each other then?

I fear for your safety. If your bf is worthy of ANYTHING, he will agree to a break while you sort your head out. Things sound very messed up here.

If you fear he will leave you if you don't, like, move in with him immediately, despite a 20 year marriage and kid(s?), he isn't worthy of you.
Lol u couldn't be more off..... so easy to pass judgement but I can assure you there is no drinking, no drugs, or hitt, anyone whatsoever! However, my husband is hurt and duh.....um yes we were bored and probably not in love then either. ....usually that's the point of swinging!!!!!!! We were married for almost 18 years prior to swinging. I understand you only are reading what I wrote but I'm not confused and my husband is not confused! We believe in two different lifestyles and I am in love with someone who is not my husband and love my husband but not in love with him. My husband wants monogomy and I want more freedom what is so hard to understand? True I wish he wasn't upset and never lost his cool from time to time but that doesn't mean he hit me!!!!!!!! We are educated professional people, and we have been to therapy but it hasn't helped any and not likely when people have strong opposing feelings. So I guess this is just something most people cannot understand and I will have too sort it out without other peoples opinions.
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  #18  
Old 04-28-2013, 11:38 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I could be wrong, but here's what I'm hearing:
  • I love my BF. I want to work on that relationship.
  • I no longer love my husband. I don't want to work on that relationship.

So... how about ending the obvious suffering of the husband and divorcing him? And freeing him to seek happiness again rather than having him along for the ride in a polyship he does not really want to be in for the SECOND time?

And ending your own suffering to free you to be with the BF?

Breaking up stinks for both of you, but the suffering has an end point. Suffering on and on and on with no end in sight -- that's worse!

I'm not going to say anything about the BF's shady character or the husband threatening to hit you. All that is concerning / weird sounding to me... maybe being alone is better.

But strip even THAT stuff away from your writing and I still get to a general summary from your posts of:
  • I love my BF. I want to work on that relationship.

being the thing you want to do. This is where your energy seems to be at and your willingness seems to be at. So if that is where this is at for you? Could make the call. Could stop sitting on fence.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-29-2013 at 12:13 AM.
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  #19  
Old 04-28-2013, 11:42 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Here is what i think you should do, and why:

Stay with your husband. It's better to deal with the devil you know already than the one you don't.

Ordinarily, i'd say to get rid of them both and get your own act together, but it's obvious to me that you're scared of being alone, so i don't expect you to do that.
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  #20  
Old 04-29-2013, 12:00 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I think the title of the thread says it all. You want a chance to develop this relatioship to its fullest. I think you should go for it. You no longer have a romantic marriage with your husband so why torture yourself and him. Life too short. To what end would staying together make sense. What's the big difference if your daughter is 17 or 18 ? or out of the house. Sounds like the marriage is dead and on artificial life support and no ones got the guts to pull the plug. Rip the bandaid off. Go be happy.
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