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Old 04-28-2013, 03:18 AM
Polywife123 Polywife123 is offline
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Default Wanting to leave my husband for lover

Ok so I've been married to my husband for 20 years. We started swinging about 3yrs ago to spice things up only..... the 2nd couple we met I was instantly attracted to the husband not necessarily physical or sexual immediately. There was just something about him I was drawn to. Anyway my husband didn't like the wife and I was so drawn to the husband I pushed my husband into allowing me to see him alone. This relationship resulted in a Polyamourous relationship and I fell in love. My husband W resented me and the guy, but wasn't ready to leave. The relationship lasted about 8 months and was highly charged sexually, emotionally, intellectually etc.... Although he has antisocial behaviors and has a dark questionable past. The relationship ended abruptly and my husband was happy although never forgave me. I suffered tremendously from the loss and tried to reestablish the relationship. To my surprise a year later he has taken me back. Things are different now. He is no longer married, although I still am. He lives an hour away and I can only see him once a week. I am trying to keep things in prospective but I want more:-( I feel like it is destined to be with this man. ..... like he is my soul mate. The feelings I have for him are deep. I know it seems crazy being his character is shady but I feel like I want to leave my husband who is good and patient to have a real relationship with this man. I don't know what to do? I feel pain when I'm not with him and I want to always be with him. Why are these feelings so difficult? I know everyone will advise me to leave this guy and stay with my husband but I feel like my husband is more of a friend than a lover and I don't think I would be with this guy again if it wasnt meant to be. Please help
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Old 04-28-2013, 08:27 AM
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Does your husband know you are seeing this guy again? If so, can things be kept in stasis for awhile while you sort through your options?

I sense a bit of NRE (New Relationship Energy) going on here. It is a "powerful drug," and can inhibit judgment and impair the senses.

Do you definitely have to choose between your husband and this other man? Can't choose both? If so, choose carefully.

I am not inclined to tell you what to do, just trying to gain and put it into some perspective.
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Old 04-28-2013, 09:17 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Polywife123 View Post
Ok so I've been married to my husband for 20 years. We started swinging about 3yrs ago to spice things up only..... the 2nd couple we met I was instantly attracted to the husband not necessarily physical or sexual immediately. There was just something about him I was drawn to. Anyway my husband didn't like the wife and I was so drawn to the husband I pushed my husband into allowing me to see him alone. This relationship resulted in a Polyamourous relationship and I fell in love. My husband W resented me and the guy, but wasn't ready to leave. The relationship lasted about 8 months and was highly charged sexually, emotionally, intellectually etc.... Although he has antisocial behaviors and has a dark questionable past. The relationship ended abruptly and my husband was happy although never forgave me. I suffered tremendously from the loss and tried to reestablish the relationship. To my surprise a year later he has taken me back. Things are different now. He is no longer married, although I still am. He lives an hour away and I can only see him once a week. I am trying to keep things in prospective but I want more:-( I feel like it is destined to be with this man. ..... like he is my soul mate. The feelings I have for him are deep. I know it seems crazy being his character is shady but I feel like I want to leave my husband who is good and patient to have a real relationship with this man. I don't know what to do? I feel pain when I'm not with him and I want to always be with him. Why are these feelings so difficult? I know everyone will advise me to leave this guy and stay with my husband but I feel like my husband is more of a friend than a lover and I don't think I would be with this guy again if it wasnt meant to be. Please help
is your husband a friend more than a lover because you have grown apart or because you both aren't putting the right work in your relationship.

leave your husband for the right reasons not because you want to see bf more, change something with your relationship with hubby and then try and see bf more, if he is single, see him for one weekend a month and try and see him more but don't leave your hubby unless things aren't good with him. my ex was and is very confused and he broke my heart with his confusion so we aren't together and he is confused over another woman, think of how your hubby will feel if you leave him too.
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Old 04-28-2013, 10:36 AM
Polywife123 Polywife123 is offline
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Yes my husband knows I'm seeing him again but keeps threatening to leave me because he knows how I feel for him and really isn't poly. He feels threatened by the relationship because he knows how I feel for him and feel that previously I spent 3 to 4 days a week with him and I'm gonna do that again Plus he doesn't like the guy. I don't think it's new relationship energy ...... I've been in other relationships since then and have never felt this before. But I know this guys personality is very magnetic and I'm very attracted to that and his intelligence. Anyway its very hard to be away from him and only see him once a week. I really want a real chance at a real realtionship with him and torn over this. My husband and I probably are not in love anymore because of all of this and we have tried to repair it but both feel very different about the situation and have settled on we are just trying to hold on to whatever is left until my oldest is moved out which is probably a little more than a year away.
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Old 04-28-2013, 12:32 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Were your husband's needs being met? Did you all talk and talk and talk before transition from swingers to polyamorous. There is a difference and the approaches are different. Is it possible that with you spending 3-4 days with this man that you were not giving your marriage the attention it needed?

This sounds like a case of the grass is greener on the other side. Have you and your husband sought marital counselling? Are you making your husband feel loved and special or are you all wrapped up and consumed with this other man? You can be poly and have a mono spouse.

I, too, am not inclined to tell you what to do, but I do think you should talk to your husband and not tell him what you are going to do. Saying I am going to spend most of my nights with this chap is not the right approach. You need to ask him what he needs to be comfortable and what he needs from you. If you know the marriage is over, end it now and prevent more heartache.

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  #6  
Old 04-28-2013, 12:41 PM
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I think there's some very sage advice in this thread... but if everything has been tried and the marriage is unhappy, then I think you need to leave. I am very new to poly relationships, but it seems to me that the fact of being poly should not mean that instead of ending relationships that need ending, you should just add more relationships. (Take this with a grain of salt, I am a recently divorced person!).

But especially since your husband is "not really poly", as you say, this sounds like a situation with no benefits for him, and alot of potential hurt. Seems like it would be kinder to end it, perhaps.
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Old 04-28-2013, 02:14 PM
Polywife123 Polywife123 is offline
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Thank you I appreciate your advice. I would like to work it out with my husband but we ass just not on the same page and we are not in love. He knows this although I do love him and really don't want a divorce it's just I want a real chance with my lover and he is recently single so I fear two things.
1. My current status as being married I won't be enough for him only being able to see him 1 week night a week and we both want more
2. He will find someone who isn't poly and leave me

I don't know if there is a real solution, it seems pretty grim either way.
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Old 04-28-2013, 05:22 PM
Gwenyth Gwenyth is offline
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I'm kind of confused. Why do you want to leave your husband (it sounds like you are not unhappy in that relationship)? What does the decision to leave your husband or not to leave him have to do with your boyfriend? Why do you feel it would be necessary to leave your husband in order to have a full relationship with your boyfriend? What does your husband being mono or poly have to do with anything in this? Why would your being married be an issue with your boyfriend (especially since you have been right along)? Why would your boyfriend leave you if he starts seeing someone in addition to you, even if that person is mono? I guess I just don't see how your having a relationship with one of these men has anything to do with you having a relationship with the other or how one relationship could possibly affect the depth of feeling you have a different partner.

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Old 04-28-2013, 05:58 PM
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So, you are saying you think maybe your boyfriend won't be satisfied with just seeing you once a week? and that maybe he'll then meet a monogamous person who will see him more than once a week, and leave you for that new person?

What would need to happen in order for you to see your boyfriend twice a week? How much compromising is your husband willing to do? and is he just reluctantly/resentfully going along with it, or is his heart in it?

Just trying to get a bit better understanding on the situation.
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Old 04-28-2013, 07:10 PM
Polywife123 Polywife123 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gwenyth View Post
I'm kind of confused. Why do you want to leave your husband (it sounds like you are not unhappy in that relationship)? What does the decision to leave your husband or not to leave him have to do with your boyfriend? Why do you feel it would be necessary to leave your husband in order to have a full relationship with your boyfriend? What does your husband being mono or poly have to do with anything in this? Why would your being married be an issue with your boyfriend (especially since you have been right along)? Why would your boyfriend leave you if he starts seeing someone in addition to you, even if that person is mono? I guess I just don't see how your having a relationship with one of these men has anything to do with you having a relationship with the other or how one relationship could possibly affect the depth of feeling you have a different partner.

Gwen
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No I'm not unhappy and wish I did not have too choose. My husband isn't happy. And I only see my boyfriend once a week and I want more he wants less. I am in pain from not seeing my boyfriend and hate the separation i have to face when leaving him. My husband thinks I should be home with my 17yr old daughter and Its not right. He does not want to share me and has made several scary threats.... both physical and divorce. Since he knows I am in love with my bf and not him he is angered and hurt. Like I said I want more and also since I am not in love with my husband anymore I want to be with my bf more often than many husband. I can't even go out with my boyfriend on the weekends. ..... just how long is that gonna work for my boyfriend. I want a real shot at this with him. .....
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