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  #21  
Old 04-27-2013, 07:43 PM
onewayward onewayward is offline
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Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
My issue with this situation has NOTHING to do with age but the fact fact that you would consider hurting your daughter.
It is NOT INCEST. Will I be hurting my daughter? Please read what I wrote a while earlier:

opalescent: Both my stepson and daughter are aware of our lifestyle (they kind of figured when they were younger, in the autumn of 2011 (historic, for us!) three of us (me, son and daughter) discussed it, albeit without Ďcategorizingí the lifestyle, nor mentioning any names of the people who were part of our lifestyle and some of who, I think, my kids suspected as much.

I had wanted hubby to also join in in that Ďhistoricí conclave, but he had felt too awkward, and, till date, the matter has never been discussed in his presence (nor otherwise, really, to any great extent).

I am closer to my daughter. We joke with each other. Itís not rare that, in a social situation, if she detects something Ďamiss,í sheíll be upfront and say something like ĎMa, you are up to it again.í And weíll laugh together.

But yes, I canít tell her Iím attracted to your casual FWB.

Hubby is more than ok. Thatís how/why I didnít cast my veto right away. His logic is, F (our daughter) has moved on twice already. So itís only a matter of time.

If they stop seeing each other, then I revisit? Yes, you have given me an option. But all of you have advised a clear hands-off. Perhaps, if F clears my revisit down the line?
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  #22  
Old 04-27-2013, 07:59 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Originally Posted by onewayward View Post
Natja, truly appreciate reply. And I'm sorry if I shocked your sensibilities, as I did some other's. Was just sharing with no holds barred. I thought I could do that here w/o being judged before being fully understood.
I understood you fine, unless there was a lot you left out.
You ended with...

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Originally Posted by onewayward View Post

But donít want to let go either.

Help!
What shocked my sensibility was that you even had to ask.
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  #23  
Old 04-27-2013, 08:16 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by onewayward View Post
I am closer to my daughter. We joke with each other. Itís not rare that, in a social situation, if she detects something Ďamiss,í sheíll be upfront and say something like ĎMa, you are up to it again.í And weíll laugh together.

But yes, I canít tell her Iím attracted to your casual FWB.

Hubby is more than ok. Thatís how/why I didnít cast my veto right away. His logic is, F (our daughter) has moved on twice already. So itís only a matter of time.

If they stop seeing each other, then I revisit? Yes, you have given me an option. But all of you have advised a clear hands-off. Perhaps, if F clears my revisit down the line?
I really don't understand what you mean by the above. Are you saying that just because your daughter knows you were swinging and feels comfortable talking about sex with you that it should be okay to fuck her lover, once she moves on from their relationship?

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Originally Posted by onewayward View Post
nycindie: I tried to explain in my first post, but perhaps did not explain enough. Iíve been a swinging wife with a near-cuck hubby. In the last few years of proper swinging, my preference was younger guys. When the Ďpolyí thing happened, that preference remained. And Iíve been in love only once outside my marriage. This boy would be the second. Both younger. So, thereís no novelty element thatís driving me. Sex, yes. But over the last 10 years, since my first love after marriage, Iíve never had this urge to overstep. The boyís compulsions? Ok, you may be very right.
You are still being a bit unclear about what point you are trying to make. For the record, my lover is 17 years younger than I. I have nothing against there being an age difference. And surely there is nothing wrong with two people feeling an attraction for each other even in the most inappropriate circumstances - that happens, but the inappropriate circumstance will dictate where responsible decision-making and willpower should come in. We can't always get what we want! Nor should we! The age difference is no big deal, really. It's the fact that he is or was your daughter's lover (think about it: his penis - in your daughter, then in you; in your daughter, then in you; repeat) that makes us all freak out and say "DON'T!!!"
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  #24  
Old 04-27-2013, 08:48 PM
onewayward onewayward is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I really don't understand what you mean by the above. Are you saying that just because your daughter knows you were swinging and feels comfortable talking about sex with you that it should be okay to fuck her lover, once she moves on from their relationship?



You are still being a bit unclear about what point you are trying to make. For the record, my lover is 17 years younger than I. I have nothing against there being an age difference. And surely there is nothing wrong with two people feeling an attraction for each other even in the most inappropriate circumstances - that happens, but the inappropriate circumstance will dictate where responsible decision-making and willpower should come in. We can't always get what we want! Nor should we! The age difference is no big deal, really. It's the fact that he is or was your daughter's lover (think about it: his penis - in your daughter, then in you; in your daughter, then in you; repeat) that makes us all freak out and say "DON'T!!!"

Wonder where I EVER mentioned this???
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  #25  
Old 04-27-2013, 08:53 PM
onewayward onewayward is offline
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I asked because I was confused. How can i help it if he turns me on??? Rest assured, I shan't be bedding him. Bared my heart. that's it.
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  #26  
Old 04-27-2013, 09:24 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by onewayward View Post
And heís been calling me often with some excuse or the other (must confess, Iíve called him a few times as well).

Just canít figure how to handle this. But donít want to let go either.

Help!
Okay then. How to "handle" this? Stop calling him. And when he calls you, don't answer. Don't have caller ID? Have to answer the phone because it might be important? Oh, it's him? Be busy. You were just leaving. You are too tired. You have to take a shit. Or, you can just tell him that you're hot for him and it's probably not a good idea for the two of you to keep calling each other.

Or do whatever you want. It's kind of annoying when people ask advice, get it, and then say how that isn't what they meant, then add subtract and "explain" things hoping the free advice changes into what they want to hear.

Your original post didn't sound like you were just trying to "bare your heart". It sounded like you wanted people to tell you what they think you should do. That's what people did. You're "being judged" because you asked to be judged.

Last edited by BoringGuy; 04-27-2013 at 09:26 PM.
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  #27  
Old 04-28-2013, 01:05 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
The age difference is no big deal, really. It's the fact that he is or was your daughter's lover (think about it: his penis - in your daughter, then in you; in your daughter, then in you; repeat) that makes us all freak out and say "DON'T!!!"
Cindie, I am not freaking out, and I don't like having words put in my mouth, or emotions chosen for me.

If it's not the age difference, what is it? How often have we heard of a certain guy dating a girl for a while, but there are no real sparks, so they break up, but somewhere along the way, this guy's brother falls hard for the girl and vice versa, and they end up together (with or without the first brother's blessing)?

So, why not mother/daughter? If it isn't the age difference involved, what is it?

This is an interesting ethical question... and we are all trying to practice ethical non-monogamy. If the daughter knows her mom is poly, and knows mom prefers younger men, and she has never been head over heels for the guy in question, what is the problem? I am truly curious.

Heck, I had a bf once (I loved him but wasn't in love) and after I went off to college, he dated my sister and 1 of my bffs for a while. Heh. We all loved him.
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  #28  
Old 04-28-2013, 01:21 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
This is an interesting ethical question... and we are all trying to practice ethical non-monogamy. If the daughter knows her mom is poly, and knows mom prefers younger men, and she has never been head over heels for the guy in question, what is the problem? I am truly curious.

Didn't someone already say that it would be better if she waited until the guy and daughter had been "broken up" (or whatever you call it when you stop having sex with a FWB) for a year or two and then if they're still both interested to pursue it?

I don't think the age difference is the issue (I know you weren't talking to me but I can still answer for myself as if you were), so much as the RELATIONSHIP. Yes, OP knows her daughter. We don't. There is nothing we can do to stop her if she decides she knows better and approaches her daughter asking "what do you think about this". That said, in the first post of this thread, the OP did come across as though her lady-boner came before the concern for the mother-daughter relationship. yes yes yes I know I don't have kids, no need to remind me BELIEVE me I relish it every day - but I did have parents, so I can discuss this from that perspective.

I will say that just because the idea of it turns me off on a visceral level, that is my issue and in no way do I believe that my personal sensibilities should dictate what other consenting adults do as long as it does not affect my health or physical resources.
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  #29  
Old 04-28-2013, 01:44 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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A few thoughts:

1) I don't think it's fair to use the casual nature of the boy's relationship with your daughter as an excuse. I enjoy casual relationships/sexual friendships (arrangements that are fun without "going anywhere"), but I would like other people to understand that I value these connections and that I do have some emotions involved. Such a guy might not be my boyfriend, but he IS my friend.

2) It seems a bit silly to dismiss your daughter's involvement with this boy as purely casual (see above) while claiming you have serious love for him!

3) I wish someone would tell your daughter that her lover has the hots for her mom, so that at the very least, she can stop seeing him in your house.

4) Yes, there's an ick factor involved here and I'm trying to dissect why this seems so much ickier than someone wanting to date their sibling's ex. It's not just the age difference because we all think way younger/way older folks can be hot. What springs to mind from my undergrad anthropology classes is that cross-culturally (worldwide and throughout history) virtually ALL human cultures have strong taboos against sex with one's parent-like figures, which includes not just biological mothers/fathers but mothers-in-law/fathers-in-law and stepparents. This applies even when the "children" are consenting adults. Whereas in some cultures it would be normal for a man to marry two sisters (this is called sororal polygyny). But he could NEVER marry a mother & daughter!

5) On the other hand, in Ancient Greece, uncles frequently married their much-younger nieces, so whatever.

6) If it's not gross to get involved with your daughter's guy...what if your stepson were attracted to you? Would it be okay to have sex with him?
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Last edited by MeeraReed; 04-28-2013 at 01:54 AM.
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  #30  
Old 04-28-2013, 01:52 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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Originally Posted by onewayward View Post
It is NOT INCEST.
[/B]
Incest is defined differently by different cultures.

For example, cousins. Many (non-European) cultures have a belief that your best marriage mate would be one of your "cross cousins," your father's sisters' children or your mother's brothers' children. Yet these same cultures have a strong incest taboo against relations with your "parallel cousins," your father's brothers' children or your mother's sisters' children.

Western European cultures do not distinguish between these two types of cousins: they are both your first cousins. Any first cousins, at one time, were ideal marriage mates; but now it's icky /taboo/ incestuous/ illegal to marry your first cousin.
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