Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #231  
Old 04-26-2013, 08:47 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 5,751
Default

Heh, well, if everyone's voting now, then, I'll cast my vote for moving to Australia. Not just for job and kid reasons, but for Matt and Si reasons. What if you stay in London? Will Matt and Si learn to get along? Doubtful. Will Si be more of a part of the kids' lives? Doubtful.

It's also worth keeping in mind that Si, too, still has the ability to move, if she wants to be around the kids that badly. She could even move after you guys move. The big obstacle is not the moving, it is the huge wall with barbed wire built up between Matt and Si. Moving or not moving will not take down that wall. You're dealing with two stubborn people.

Therefore, I think moving to Australia is the logical thing to do. Like SNeacail said, it's what you were planning on doing anyway. Sure Si changed her plans, but she could change them back again.

Look, it sucks that Si is being cut off from the kids' lives, but let's remember, Matt wants her to be cut off. That being the case and expecting him not to budge on that objective, moving far away actually makes the cutting off a little less traumatic. The kids can at least feel like it's partly because of the physical distance.

So that's my vote, if you're looking for votes. As an aside, I'll observe that all this unfriendliness between Matt and Si is unhealthy for both adults. I would advise them to start working on forgiveness, if they wanted my advice.

In the meantime, I encourage you to do the logical thing, in the midst of all that emotional turmoil.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #232  
Old 04-26-2013, 09:06 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Look, it sucks that Si is being cut off from the kids' lives, but let's remember, Matt wants her to be cut off. That being the case and expecting him not to budge on that objective, moving far away actually makes the cutting off a little less traumatic. The kids can at least feel like it's partly because of the physical distance.


Why not just let Si Skype with the girl, and she can just continue to send both kids cards, birthday presents, letters, etc... the boy seems a bit young to be using skype yet.

This would also circumvent the contact between Matt and Si. Someone else can get the kid(s) set up to visit with Si on the internet, and Matt doesn't even have to be home or have to know when it's going on. Everybody wins.

I don't understand why it's all "Si is either the co-parent or she is completely cut off from the kids forever". There it goes again with the extreme, no-middle-ground, all-or-nothing mentality. Why can't Si remain in contact with the kids in an "LDR"? Plenty of people keep in touch with each other after they move, not just people in a "partner" relationship. Haven't you ever done that? Had a pen-pal?

Am I the only one thinking these things, or is this going to generate more "thank you for saying that, BG" messages?

Last edited by BoringGuy; 04-26-2013 at 09:10 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #233  
Old 04-26-2013, 09:18 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 5,751
Default

Thank you for saying that, BG. Your challenging point of view has been noted.

Actually, Skype isn't a bad idea, along with email and snail mail or whatever. I'd say the point is, moving to Australia doesn't spell the end of everything.

BG, please keep challenging us with your unique points of view.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #234  
Old 04-26-2013, 09:27 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 881
Default

They are dysfunctional. If they want to live like that, more power to them. At the end of the day, maybe they are getting something out of it. I would hope making her miserable is not making him feel good. It just might be. I would love for them to both admit their wrongs and admit it if they did something wrong. I doubt they will ever be singing kumbaya, holding hands, and dancing around a fire. I do not expect them to like one another, but they could respect each other.

I do wonder just what his reaction would be if she decided to move. That is one dynamic that has not been explored. He said she was not part of his family, but there is nothing stopping her from moving there just because she wants to or can.
Reply With Quote
  #235  
Old 04-26-2013, 09:38 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 881
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Why not just let Si Skype with the girl, and she can just continue to send both kids cards, birthday presents, letters, etc... the boy seems a bit young to be using skype yet.

This would also circumvent the contact between Matt and Si. Someone else can get the kid(s) set up to visit with Si on the internet, and Matt doesn't even have to be home or have to know when it's going on. Everybody wins.

I don't understand why it's all "Si is either the co-parent or she is completely cut off from the kids forever". There it goes again with the extreme, no-middle-ground, all-or-nothing mentality. Why can't Si remain in contact with the kids in an "LDR"? Plenty of people keep in touch with each other after they move, not just people in a "partner" relationship. Haven't you ever done that? Had a pen-pal?

Am I the only one thinking these things, or is this going to generate more "thank you for saying that, BG" messages?
This was suggested by me. I likened it to a child moving for university. You still talk via Skype, Oovoo, FaceTime, call, send birthday cards, gifts, visit, and whatever else. You still love them from a distance. I never had a problem with that and still do not. That was always the plan until recently. (The past week.)

Matt is the one who is refusing to let them have any contact. Even in a LD form. He is being a pain in the arse. I know it and have said it to his face. A thirty minute or hour long conversation is not going to kill him. He knows he is being ridiculous. He is doing it to spite her.

This is why I stepped back from the middle of it but before I did I said no contact because it was frustrating me. I decided to think before I made that final. I told him and her that I would not be facilitating the exchange of our children. I am not scheduling anything. I am not contacting a mediator. If she wants to see them, she has to text him and ask. I am out of it because I was used to being in control and having the final say. They are forced to have some interaction now.
Reply With Quote
  #236  
Old 04-27-2013, 12:40 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

Never mnd, op made my post irrelevant

Last edited by BoringGuy; 04-27-2013 at 12:45 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #237  
Old 04-27-2013, 12:55 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

Ok now, that's just cruel of Matt. That's hsing the chldrn as tools to hurt someone else who cares about them. Ooh that disgusts me. I think i might be getting triggered by that. I have lost respect for him as a father. Unless Si mistreated, abused, or put them in danger deliberately, it is horrible to do that to your own kid.

I can't bear to read this blog any further. I hope you find happiness somehow, all of you, and i regret that i have no way of reaching out to Si to let her know that she has a lot of sympathy from a lot of strangers.
Reply With Quote
  #238  
Old 04-27-2013, 01:26 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 881
Default

I know it is wrong. I just do not know how to deal with this. Parental Alienation is not something I have been trained to deal with. I am not a child psychiatrist. I guess people do not understand how bad it is. People do this in the case of separations and divorces. Only they do not realise how wrong it is. It turns into the syndrome. The children end up turning against the alienated parent. Of the three stages, he is heading into stage two. He is already doing some of the things listed. Welcome to the world of volatile splits and nasty disputes over children.

Last edited by FullofLove1052; 04-27-2013 at 02:18 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #239  
Old 04-27-2013, 07:43 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,366
Default

People disappear from children's lives and the kids get over it. It isn't always a big damaging thing. Adults do what they have to do and deal with it. Kids are so resilient and not as fragile as we think when it comes to certain stuff. You can't shield them from every hurt in life.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "
Reply With Quote
  #240  
Old 04-27-2013, 07:56 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 367
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
He is being a pain in the arse. I know it and have said it to his face. A thirty minute or hour long conversation is not going to kill him. He knows he is being ridiculous. He is doing it to spite her.
This is sad. Adults using children as pawns in order to hurt each other is a horrible thing to read about. I very much hope that Matt is able to regain some compassion and stop this behaviour before it becomes a habit - it's not a good thing to be practicing, in my opinion.

I know this sort of thing happens and I know children who've gone through it and who have grown up to be perfectly okay. Still, it's a horrible thing for the adults to do - I consider it to be emotional abuse. I feel for your children and I hope that they will be okay.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
anger management, bisexual female, blame, break-ups, breaking up, changing loyalties, children, co-parenting, competition, coupledom, demanding partners, divorce, forgiveness, from poly to mono, healing, making excuses, married and polyamorous, poly co-parenting, poly to mono, primary/secondary, therapy, triad fallout, trust, vee dynamics, vee vs. triad

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:35 AM.