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Old 01-15-2010, 12:55 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Default How to have and maintain healthy relationships

How to have and maintain a healthy relationship so that another relationship can come into your life

"As I see it, each person is 100% responsible at the same time. So I am 100% responsible and the other person is also 100% responsible. We are both totally responsible, and equally so. I don't mean that making things work is up to one person, just that it is an ideal of mine that each individual in the relationship takes the perspective of being responsible for what is happening to them, and in the relationship. Again, my ideal is that everyone in the relationship does this; if one person takes on responsibility while another disowns responsibility, then I don't think that's an ideal scenario"

I took this quote from Nerdist on another thread (post,#45 http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...p?t=923&page=5). To me it is what we have always tried to accomplish in our relationship he and I, as he is my husband. It's why I think it has worked up to this point. I would really like to know how to stop a relationship from becoming unbalanced because that 100% becomes less, to the point that one person feels they have to cheat and have affairs in order to get their needs met and be happier.

To me, giving my relationship 100% is that I am keeping aware of what is going on for me in my thoughts, in my body, in my life so that I can be fully present in my relationship. That is very difficult when I don't get too much time for myself, but I manage and part of that is asking for time and arranging time... like I have right now as I write this...... it's all part of it for me. 100% is also about being aware of how I effect others and influence their lives. I want to make sure that I always leave a positive, loving, caring, respectful wake where ever I go. That doesn't mean I compromise my values, that is a value of mine. It's my life long work. I guess there are other ways I give my relationship(s) 100% such as checking in with Nerdist and others to make sure they always have a safe space and time to talk to me. That is also important to me... among other things... I wonder if others subscribe to the point of view of a relationship works best if the partners all give evenly to the relationship 100% and what that means to them.

To me, in a situation where someone has or wants to cheat, there is someone in the relationship not giving it 100%. When I say that I mean that they are not telling the other how they feel, not looking after themselves and their own needs, becoming resentful for various reasons; not just that they do something to sabotage their relationship knowingly because they are desperately trying to get out of the relationship and/or are unhappy. I'm talking everyday stuff that becomes unbalanced in the form of either not knowing it is or pretending that everything is okay.

It takes some time for a relationship to become unbalanced I think. Over time there can be several things that happen before an affair occurs. From the NRE of a new relationship to a relationships end stuff happens that makes it so that relationship ends. Sometimes there is just nothing left between a couple and they both decide that there is really nothing left to stay for and sometimes it ends in the culmination of time spent not giving it 100%.

What can be done if one person is giving a relationship 100% and the other isn't? Some people talk of that on here and elsewhere that they were just not getting the response from their partner that they were hoping for and eventually were whittled down to feeling they needed to desperately go and find what they need elsewhere. What does one do with that... it seems reasonable to me to practice self preservation, but how does one do it while being respectful to their partner and to their own feelings of self worth and respect.

If any of you have read what I have said in the past about cheating you will know that I absolutely abhor it. I think it is the single most distructive activity that is destroying family life and community life on many levels. It teaches our children that the needs of one are more important than the needs of many, it teaches others that a quick fix is the answer when it very rarely is when it comes to the complexities of relationships and it has made a society of untrust, loneliness, separation, desperation, depression, and sadness. It seeps into every aspect of a persons life and reaches far and wide to other relationships and future relationships. Yet even when that is a known, people still do it...

What can be done to take what we know about cheating and affairs and make it a useful tool so that people can be healed from it rather than hurt from it? I ask this as a personal question to myself and to others that have cheated on their partners or had an affair. I am asking myself what it is I learned when I cheated and what I now know about myself that translates into my willingness and ability to give 100% to my relationship with Nerdist and Mono and just about everyone I care about.

I will leave it at that for the moment and reflect on those thoughts in the hopes that I have some answers or someone finds an interesting train of thought on the questions I have asked.
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Last edited by redpepper; 01-15-2010 at 01:23 AM.
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