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  #11  
Old 04-26-2013, 08:56 PM
KerrBear KerrBear is offline
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All in all, it makes for a great story. . .

Well, I had a rough day and morning. I felt everything from numbness, to disbelief, to resentment, to intense jealousy, back to resentment. Now I'm more happy and settled. I still smile when I think about the fun we had but I get real intense bangs of sadness after the wave of happiness. . .

I'm lucky I haven't felt too much self hatred. I'm really happy that I haven't had to deal with that. Apparently, Beaner is going through it though.

His job is really stressing him out. My husband is quiting for a better job in a few weeks and things are really starting to pick up at their work so he's got a lot on his shoulder, including this. He told me twice that he couldn't think straight and that's probably why there was a lot of hurtful things said. . .

In the end, he wants to be with the other girl cause she can give him what I can't. He still very much wants to be my friend but with no "sex". I'm still not sure how to manage that. I realize we shouldn't see each other until everything is healed up. We are both very much hurting.

So I guess I'm wondering how do you be friends with someone who just Tuesday you made love to and you still have the love marks on your neck to prove it. . . Just friends, no more holding hands. No more kissing. No more making love. How do you do it? Or does this mean just distance? I feel like I can never hang out with him again. . .
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Me: Late 20's "hinge" to a V. New to Poly but previous swinger for roughly 4 years. Married since 2008 but together since 2007.

Husband: Mid 30's. Maybe Poly but not monogamous. Swinger.

Beaner: My recent ex and my first poly relationship.
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  #12  
Old 04-27-2013, 12:05 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KerrBear View Post
So I guess I'm wondering how do you be friends with someone who just Tuesday you made love to and you still have the love marks on your neck to prove it. . . Just friends, no more holding hands. No more kissing. No more making love. How do you do it? Or does this mean just distance? I feel like I can never hang out with him again. . .
Since you asked, "I" don't. Some people can, I'm not really sure how they do it. But for me, people fill specific roles in my life. The qualities I look for in a friend are different from the qualities I look for in a partner. Most of the time, my partners wouldn't make good friends for me if they didn't have that other "something" that makes me romantically attracted to them.

Other people meet everyone as a friend first, and maybe they "take it to another level" and add romance on top of the friendship. In that case, you just reverse the process to remove the romance. But if you never had a "just friends" relationship then there probably isn't much basis for one now.
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  #13  
Old 04-27-2013, 01:20 PM
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leelee22 leelee22 is offline
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Hi KB,

I am sorry you are feeling so bad. While I am firmly in NutbusterX's camp when it comes to balls-to-the-wall emotional exposure (I'll take big love and big pain every time, over the alternative), my understanding of how much it hurts when it ends is pretty fresh. My own BF and I split up on Wednesday; I was the secondary, he was the hinge. His primary, who I'd never met, had complete control over the terms (or so he says... I never met her).

I HATED the terms of the relationship (sex only; we were not allowed to spend any "social" time together, we never once went to each other's home, or out for dinner, or anywhere but bed, in a seven-month relationship), but I liked the boy. He was bright and intense, and he had beautiful chocolate-brown eyes, and the chemistry was incredible. But I just couldn't accept being forced into that restrictive role. I deserved to be cared about.

But when I made up my mind I was leaving, I also knew I didn't want to hear any of the bullsh*t he was going to say ("well, you agreed to this"; "you KNEW I was married"; "women are so emotional"... blah blah). I knew if he said one word of it, I was going to hate him for it, and what's the point of that? And maybe I would say something mean about HIM, and he doesn't need that either.

So I picked a day that we already had a (brief) date planned, and just sent him a message that "tonight will be the last one". I knew he would be too timid to initiate any conversation about the breakup at all. I carried on with the date the way I always had (I tend to be a bit dominant, sexually. Not big "D" dominant, just dominant). Apart from a couple of quiet tears I only partly fought back during one of the rounds, it was the same really good, great-chemistry sex we've always had. And then when it was done I just walked away. No talking about it. He knew why the relationship was not satisfactory to me; there was no need to make that point. And there's no chance he'll try to engage me via email to talk about it, either; he's not courageous enough to try to negotiate new terms for me with his wife. So that's that.

But that kind of ending, where the ending is not caused by a waning of affection for each other but because of some outside consideration, is like ripping a band-aid off your heart. So I feel your pain, KB. But don't you give up on love.

Leelee
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  #14  
Old 04-27-2013, 05:02 PM
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nancyfore nancyfore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by leelee22 View Post
Hi KB,

I am sorry you are feeling so bad. While I am firmly in NutbusterX's camp when it comes to balls-to-the-wall emotional exposure (I'll take big love and big pain every time, over the alternative), my understanding of how much it hurts when it ends is pretty fresh. My own BF and I split up on Wednesday; I was the secondary, he was the hinge. His primary, who I'd never met, had complete control over the terms (or so he says... I never met her).

I HATED the terms of the relationship (sex only; we were not allowed to spend any "social" time together, we never once went to each other's home, or out for dinner, or anywhere but bed, in a seven-month relationship), but I liked the boy. He was bright and intense, and he had beautiful chocolate-brown eyes, and the chemistry was incredible. But I just couldn't accept being forced into that restrictive role. I deserved to be cared about.

But when I made up my mind I was leaving, I also knew I didn't want to hear any of the bullsh*t he was going to say ("well, you agreed to this"; "you KNEW I was married"; "women are so emotional"... blah blah). I knew if he said one word of it, I was going to hate him for it, and what's the point of that? And maybe I would say something mean about HIM, and he doesn't need that either.

So I picked a day that we already had a (brief) date planned, and just sent him a message that "tonight will be the last one". I knew he would be too timid to initiate any conversation about the breakup at all. I carried on with the date the way I always had (I tend to be a bit dominant, sexually. Not big "D" dominant, just dominant). Apart from a couple of quiet tears I only partly fought back during one of the rounds, it was the same really good, great-chemistry sex we've always had. And then when it was done I just walked away. No talking about it. He knew why the relationship was not satisfactory to me; there was no need to make that point. And there's no chance he'll try to engage me via email to talk about it, either; he's not courageous enough to try to negotiate new terms for me with his wife. So that's that.

But that kind of ending, where the ending is not caused by a waning of affection for each other but because of some outside consideration, is like ripping a band-aid off your heart. So I feel your pain, KB. But don't you give up on love.

Leelee
Nutbusterx's favortie saying... "rip off the band-aid"

Do it (whatever IT may be), get it over with, yes it hurts, but then the healing can start...
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