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  #531  
Old 04-25-2013, 08:39 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Long distance, you can do things like require someone to go to the bathroom at work at a specific time and take pictures of themselves naked (for instance of their genitals) or even ask them to masturbate and film it. They'd send you the "proof", but really, they do it because they want to, so there isn't really a need to enforce it.
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  #532  
Old 04-25-2013, 10:37 PM
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And how would they know the subs are really who they say they are?
I'm not sure what you mean by this. Not really a sub? Not really the gender or age or whatever that they say they are? A sub can send pix or get on cam even if their Dom/me doesn't want to. But I can imagine some Dom/mes who would be ok with getting on cam themselves.
I was referring to their identity. Does everyone stay anonymous or do they know each other's real names and contact info?

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Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter View Post
Wendigo is involved in an LDR D/s relationship . . . he collared her last month.
How did he do that? Did he send her an actual collar in the mail and keep the key? I saw some references to being a "keyholder." It seemed that the Dommes would treat the key (whether of a collar or chastity device) as proof of... something. I guess the sub sends pics of themselves wearing it?

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Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
Long distance, you can do things like require someone to go to the bathroom at work at a specific time and take pictures of themselves naked (for instance of their genitals) or even ask them to masturbate and film it. They'd send you the "proof", but really, they do it because they want to, so there isn't really a need to enforce it.
Hmmm. In this blog I found, there were more than a few Dommes who say their policy is "Do not ever send me pictures of you naked or talk to me about sex." Many will create videos and send pics to subs as rewards, but it seems even more will NOT cam or do things like that, and look down a little bit on those who do -- but they will talk on the phone with their subs or slaves, to tell them what to do (I guess). For them, it's all about the power exchange and they don't want sex or sexy pics/videos involved. I could never, ever trade sexy or naked pics or videos with anyone, even in an established long-term relationship. You just don't know where that stuff would wind up.

I am just trying to grasp the concept of domming and I would think that the online element adds more of a challenge.

Some day I am going to make a documentary about this stuff. Even though it's not for me and some things about BDSM disturb me, some of it fascinates me to no end!
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Last edited by nycindie; 04-25-2013 at 10:47 PM.
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  #533  
Old 04-25-2013, 11:22 PM
BSP83 BSP83 is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
How did he do that? Did he send her an actual collar in the mail and keep the key? I saw some references to being a "keyholder." It seemed that the Dommes would treat the key (whether of a collar or chastity device) as proof of... something. I guess the sub sends pics of themselves wearing it?
Chastity play is a whole different thing, even though it's usually done in the confines of a D/s relationship. Being a keyholder is usually held as a very important and special thing. It takes a lot of trust for someone to trust someone else to be in control of their sex organs!

There are plenty of ways to do it long distance, though I have no experience with that. The common thing to do is have numbered plastic locks...I imagine pictures would be taken and sent back and forth. Locking a collar on isn't very practical in LD "real life"...unless the person is comfortable wearing their collar full time. Of course, the numbered plastic keys could be used in that circumstance as well.
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  #534  
Old 04-26-2013, 12:51 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Hmmm. In this blog I found, there were more than a few Dommes who say their policy is "Do not ever send me pictures of you naked or talk to me about sex." Many will create videos and send pics to subs as rewards, but it seems even more will NOT cam or do things like that, and look down a little bit on those who do -- but they will talk on the phone with their subs or slaves, to tell them what to do (I guess).
Was it professional dommes? I was just thinking of what I've heard people in BDSM relationships sometimes do when they are apart.
It's also possible to send a text telling someone "go do this now" and then not request any proof, I guess.

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I could never, ever trade sexy or naked pics or videos with anyone, even in an established long-term relationship. You just don't know where that stuff would wind up.
Definitely legitimate. It involves a lot of trust, not just in each other, but also that the pictures or videos can't be intercepted.
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  #535  
Old 04-26-2013, 03:02 AM
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I was referring to their identity. Does everyone stay anonymous or do they know each other's real names and contact info?
Why not share names? If you're play partners, you want to be intimate. That would include names.


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Hmmm. In this blog I found, there were more than a few Dommes who say their policy is "Do not ever send me pictures of you naked or talk to me about sex." Many will create videos and send pics to subs as rewards, but it seems even more will NOT cam or do things like that, and look down a little bit on those who do -- but they will talk on the phone with their subs or slaves, to tell them what to do (I guess). For them, it's all about the power exchange and they don't want sex or sexy pics/videos involved.
I've found some Dom/mes are actually pretty repressed people and dont want, or can't have, regular sex. I know some Dom/mes will go through a session denying orgasm to their sub. The sub likes this. So, win-win. Personally I am quite the opposite.
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  #536  
Old 04-26-2013, 03:22 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Hey everybody,
I came across an interesting blog and did a little reading about a certain kind of domination which got me curious about something, so I thought I'd post a question here. I know I've read on this forum that people have been, or know others who have been, in D/s relationships that are totally online.

How does that work? I admit that totally online relationships of any kind mystify me for many reasons - but to dom someone that way would seem even more challenging. I am aware that pros do this sort of thing online and charge subs for their various services - and I imagine there is a lot of web-camming going on. But what about real Doms and Dommes who are not pros? In this one blog several Dommes said they would never send nude pictures or explicit videos of themselves to a sub, because that would lower their position (and a sub wouldn't "deserve" it). How do they develop the relationship, dominate, enforce their contracts, etc.? And how would they know the subs are really who they say they are?

If you or anyone you know has an online D/s thing going on that isn't professional, I hope you share the logistics of it and how it is managed and maintained. Just so curious - I had to ask!
So, what was this blog? Sounds like a very particular set of people, and not necessarily representative of the way the majority of kinky folks might do long-distance D/s relationships.

I know that, for myself, I started developing a relationship with my new boyfriend/dom -- including photos, names, intimacy, orgasms on both sides, and a fair amount of D/s -- through online correspondence before we met in person. If, for some reason, we'd never been able to meet in person, and yet had still wanted to carry on a relationship, I don't see any reason that it would look different from any other online relationship or LDR... it'd just be kinky.

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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Also, do you think anyone gets into domming in order to gain confidence and develop leadership skills, or is it usually just something they are naturally skilled at?
I'd actually say that, for more of the people I've known, it starts with the urge -- the desire to dominate. The person who feels that desire is then forced to gain confidence and develop leadership skills in order to become skilled at this thing that they badly want to do. As they do it more, it helps them build their confidence and leadership ability alongside their skills in a nice positive feedback loop.
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  #537  
Old 04-26-2013, 03:56 PM
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
So, what was this blog? Sounds like a very particular set of people, and not necessarily representative of the way the majority of kinky folks might do long-distance D/s relationships.
Hmm, what stands out about what I wrote that makes you say it is dissimilar to how most kinksters do online D/s?

It is a very specific type of domination and submission, yes. But I am hesitant to reveal what it is and where the blogs are, basically because I realized that I have participated in something like it in my past (non-kinky) relationships, quite by accident. The ways in which the dommes describe why they are into it and how some of the elements of that power exchange appeal to them surprisingly resonated with me, in some way. So, I want to investigate it right now, without blabbering on about all of it just yet.

This is really unexpected - I am not saying I want to embark on it, but I find it intriguing. I have been told several times in my life that I would make a "good dominatrix" and would immediately say, "No way!" and then I read about this (which I'd never heard of before) and see a faint shade of it in my past, so... just exploration and trying to understand it and myself a little better right now.
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Last edited by nycindie; 06-16-2013 at 01:56 PM.
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  #538  
Old 04-27-2013, 12:45 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
How does that work? I admit that totally online relationships of any kind mystify me for many reasons - but to dom someone that way would seem even more challenging.
I got into it briefly on Second Life. The avatar bit helped with some aspects of the roleplay. But most of the actual D/s interaction happened in private chat while our avatars were standing around picking their noses. Or rather, the submissive avatar was kneeling and the Dominant avatar was holding a leash to the submissive's avatar. Meanwhile in chat, we would roleplay scenes, and they would involve real-world instructions.

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How do they develop the relationship, dominate, enforce their contracts, etc.?
D/s is about trust. Trust is a two-way street. Enforcement is part of the play. If someone needs to constantly be enforced to do something, then it's a sign either that they don't like it, or that they enjoy the discipline from not doing it.

IMO, most well-matched D/s relationships don't require a lot of enforcement because the submissive genuinely wants to serve the Dominant, and their own internal motivation is much stronger than any external enforcement the Dom/me could ever impose. The exception being where discipline and punishment ARE the desired act, in which case you negotiate those acts as you would negotiate anything else.

If you can't trust your submissive to do what you tell them to do, then there are bigger problems.

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And how would they know the subs are really who they say they are?
Depending on how deep you're going, it may not even matter. If two people act out a scene and they both get their jollies, then it really doesn't matter if they're both full of shit, as long as they're both satisfied.

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Also, do you think anyone gets into domming in order to gain confidence and develop leadership skills, or is it usually just something they are naturally skilled at?
I would argue that for every thing that people do and every conceivable reason, there is someone on the planet doing it for that reason. Unquestionably, some people get into Domming with "alterior motives." And again, as long as everyone gets what they need, there's nothing wrong with that.

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Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
I certainly would never argue with someone who says they CAN feign submissiveness and enjoy it ONLY because it pleases their partner.
Hmm.. But could it not be said that someone who feigns submissiveness and enjoys it only because it pleases their partner is still being genuinely submissive on some level, simply by receiving their satisfaction from their partner's pleasure?

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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I was referring to their identity. Does everyone stay anonymous or do they know each other's real names and contact info?
Again, some do, some don't. I doubt you could ever collect accurate statistics, because the people who play anonymously are exactly the people who would be less likely to participate in the statistics gathering.

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Many will create videos and send pics to subs as rewards, but it seems even more will NOT cam or do things like that, and look down a little bit on those who do -- but they will talk on the phone with their subs or slaves, to tell them what to do (I guess). For them, it's all about the power exchange and they don't want sex or sexy pics/videos involved.
I look down a little bit on those who look down a little bit on people for not doing things exactly the same way they do things. Elitism is stupid. "My way is better than yours" is stupid, provided your way is not harmful and all people involved are getting their needs met.

People also do power exchanges in all kinds of ways. Some are more of the Daddy/caregiver type, in which case it's not so much about "you're my little bitch" but more "I want to take care of you." For others, there's an element of wanting to be worshipped. I can imagine someone camming because they want to be flattered or something. *shrug* to each their own.
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  #539  
Old 04-27-2013, 07:29 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Hmm.. But could it not be said that someone who feigns submissiveness and enjoys it only because it pleases their partner is still being genuinely submissive on some level, simply by receiving their satisfaction from their partner's pleasure?
Hmm, not only could it be said, but you just said it.

However, it is not part of the model I referenced.
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  #540  
Old 04-29-2013, 02:24 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Hmm, what stands out about what I wrote that makes you say it is dissimilar to how most kinksters do online D/s?
"In this one blog several Dommes said they would never send nude pictures or explicit videos of themselves to a sub, because that would lower their position (and a sub wouldn't "deserve" it)."

In the kink circles I run in, it's not really a common thing to feign like subs are lowly creatures who don't "deserve" awesome, sexy things that would make them happy, or that being sexy or naked or vulnerable somehow "lowers" the position of a dominant person (to put this in context, Clay, who is very much the dominant partner in our relationship, has pole danced for me twice now). As such, I just don't imagine that that would be part of how those same people would do online D/s.

There are always different flavors to different subsets of subcultures, and there's nothing "wrong" with how the dommes you're talking about describe their version of play -- if it works for them and their partners then it is exactly the right thing for them -- I just don't necessarily think that it's warranted to assume that that's standard across the wider BDSM community, y'know?

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
It is a very specific type of domination and submission, yes. But I am hesitant to reveal what it is and where the blogs are, basically because I realized that I have participated in something like it in my past (non-kinky) relationships, quite by accident. The ways in which the dommes describe why they are into it and how some of the elements of that power exchange appeal to them surprisingly resonated with me, in some way. So, I want to investigate it right now, without blabbering on about all of it just yet.

This is really unexpected - I am not saying I want to embark on it, but I find it intriguing. I have been told several times in my life that I would make a "good dominatrix" and would immediately say, "No way!" and then I read about this (which I'd never heard of before) and see a faint shade of it in my past, so... just exploration and trying to understand it and myself a little better right now.
That is totally valid, and I wish you the best!
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Last edited by nycindie; 06-16-2013 at 01:58 PM.
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