Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #211  
Old 04-26-2013, 12:33 AM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 5,901
Default

Ohh, that sucks about your car. You were definitely not at fault, the officer should have filed a report. I just don't understand ...

Does Si contact you much these days? Does she have anything to say about what her plans are, what she'll tell the kids, and whether she'll try to improve anything with Matt?

It seems like you could use some improved luck ...
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #212  
Old 04-26-2013, 01:09 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 889
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Ohh, that sucks about your car. You were definitely not at fault, the officer should have filed a report. I just don't understand ...

Does Si contact you much these days? Does she have anything to say about what her plans are, what she'll tell the kids, and whether she'll try to improve anything with Matt?

It seems like you could use some improved luck ...
The driver left the scene before he got there. She got out to look at her vehicle and left like immediately. She was probably uninsured or something. She apparently had a change of heart and contacted the police. There was only one accident at that time of morning in that area, so they automatically knew which officer had handled it and passed it on to him. I went up there to get the report and I was informed that there was no report or case number. I talked to him Wednesday afternoon, which is how I found out that the other person reported their part in the accident. And he is on a holiday until Monday. The front desk could not seem to figure it out and suggested that I return on Monday. I am trying to figure out why he did not submit a report. He has a lot of explaining to do because the records reflect him being dispatched. Even the people at the front desk were like, "We see where he came out, but he did not file a report. We do not know why." I am not paying when I was not at fault. Someone slammed into the back of me while I was at a full stop. I cannot even get mad. I might be tempted to slap the hell out of that officer, though.

We talk at least once a day. She has not mentioned her plans or anything related to that. There are no plans to make amends with Matt. She is stubborn. He is stubborn. She thinks he is in the wrong and should apologise. He just thinks the exact same thing. She wants him to stop being difficult. He wants her to fade into obscurity. They are both being ridiculous. I just listen like a good friend and wife. I am done offering solutions. They both make me shake my head.

I am smiling in the face of adversity. Things could always be worse.
Reply With Quote
  #213  
Old 04-26-2013, 02:34 AM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 5,901
Default

Well hopefully the thing with the car will get straightened out on Monday. As for Matt and Si, I don't know what to suggest when your daughter asks why Si's not around anymore. Either, "Ask Daddy, he will explain it," or, "Dad and Si are mad at each other and Daddy wants Si to go away." Ulf, those both sound pretty awful, but those are about your only options (shy of fibbing to your daughter which would, like, be worse).

A good solution would be if Matt and Si would both apologize to each other for the sake of the child. Obviously, though, that's not something you can control, and a good reason why you shouldn't be put in the middle of this.

It's true, things could be worse. Maybe once you guys move, this problem will kind of go away. Just do the best you can with your actions, which you can control.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #214  
Old 04-26-2013, 06:56 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

Oh dear... Every time you talk about Matt and when he used to post makes me think more and more that the two of you don't know each other at all and if you did, you wouldn't like each other much. In the mean-time, you're addressing things that are superficial to that, such as where your kids go to school and what his mother thinks about your girlfriend.

Since everything i just said will probably get taken as if i'm trying to tell you what to do. maybe it's just the way i read your writing, but it does seem that many times, when someone makes an observation or suggests alternatives, you respond with something like, "i'm not going to change everything!" i'm not telling you what i think you should DO, i'm telling you what i think i SEE.
Reply With Quote
  #215  
Old 04-26-2013, 07:19 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 417
Default

I don't know you... to me, you are a person on the internet, with a life very different from mine, a life you describe and present here in a certain way.
But this is the feeling I get from your story (and I've read the whole blog, and Matt's thread, from the beginning):

to me it sounds like you never started with what seems to be the most important key to succesfull relationships, mono OR poly: communicate, communicate, communicate...
Those 12 years you've all been together seem so littered with assumptions, misunderstandings, not being honest with yourselves and the other players.. it is just so sad to read.
I don't have advice or an opinion. I just wanted to point out that maybe, poly isn't the problem here. The lack of honest communication between people who are in a relationship together, and the lack of true self examination, the willingness to look inside and see what is going on, is.

I wish you good luck...
__________________
early forties, straight.
Reply With Quote
  #216  
Old 04-26-2013, 08:47 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 889
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cleo View Post
I don't know you... to me, you are a person on the internet, with a life very different from mine, a life you describe and present here in a certain way.
But this is the feeling I get from your story (and I've read the whole blog, and Matt's thread, from the beginning):

to me it sounds like you never started with what seems to be the most important key to succesfull relationships, mono OR poly: communicate, communicate, communicate...
Those 12 years you've all been together seem so littered with assumptions, misunderstandings, not being honest with yourselves and the other players.. it is just so sad to read.
I don't have advice or an opinion. I just wanted to point out that maybe, poly isn't the problem here. The lack of honest communication between people who are in a relationship together, and the lack of true self examination, the willingness to look inside and see what is going on, is.

I wish you good luck...
Thank you.
__________________
Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Matt (Hubby) - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 12 years and father of our (3.5) children.
Closed.

My Blog
Reply With Quote
  #217  
Old 04-26-2013, 09:25 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 889
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Oh dear... Every time you talk about Matt and when he used to post makes me think more and more that the two of you don't know each other at all and if you did, you wouldn't like each other much. In the mean-time, you're addressing things that are superficial to that, such as where your kids go to school and what his mother thinks about your girlfriend.

Since everything i just said will probably get taken as if i'm trying to tell you what to do. maybe it's just the way i read your writing, but it does seem that many times, when someone makes an observation or suggests alternatives, you respond with something like, "i'm not going to change everything!" i'm not telling you what i think you should DO, i'm telling you what i think i SEE.
If that is what I choose to address, why does it bother you so much? I address things that are relevant to what happened and contributed to many problems. Communication was shitty. I get it. How many times does it need to be said? I am working on it.

Out of curiosity, what would you like me to talk about? I am not going to, but it does make me wonder. Go on and on about all that is wrong instead of making it right. Maybe I should continue talking about all that I did wrong and apparently still doing wrong. Rehashing the past is key to moving forward, right?

Do we see eye to eye on every single thing? Do I like everything about him? No. I do know him, but I do not know everything about him. You can be with a person for 30 years and learn new things about them every day. People change. What worked for someone five years ago may not be something they particularly care to live with in the present. Matt's tolerance ran out. The end.

To my knowledge, your only suggested alternative was that it would not be so bad if my child went to a school here. Like I told you, her education is it a piece of the puzzle but not the only reason.

I have listened to all of the alternatives, but at the same token, I cannot force anyone to do anything. At the end of the day, people are going to do what they feel like doing. Should I hold them hostage and make them work it out? I am sorry. I have no interest in doing that either. My final solution is one that would probably not be highly favoured, but I have no control right now, so I have to sit back and watch from the sideline.

What is your solution to all of this, BG? You are pointing out what you think are superficial issues, but that is all. Critiquing what I feel like discussing is not going to make any of the other issues go away.
Reply With Quote
  #218  
Old 04-26-2013, 02:27 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
If that is what I choose to address, why does it bother you so much? I address things that are relevant to what happened and contributed to many problems. Communication was shitty. I get it. How many times does it need to be said? I am working on it.

Out of curiosity, what would you like me to talk about? I am not going to, but it does make me wonder. Go on and on about all that is wrong instead of making it right. Maybe I should continue talking about all that I did wrong and apparently still doing wrong. Rehashing the past is key to moving forward, right?

Do we see eye to eye on every single thing? Do I like everything about him? No. I do know him, but I do not know everything about him. You can be with a person for 30 years and learn new things about them every day. People change. What worked for someone five years ago may not be something they particularly care to live with in the present. Matt's tolerance ran out. The end.

To my knowledge, your only suggested alternative was that it would not be so bad if my child went to a school here. Like I told you, her education is it a piece of the puzzle but not the only reason.

I have listened to all of the alternatives, but at the same token, I cannot force anyone to do anything. At the end of the day, people are going to do what they feel like doing. Should I hold them hostage and make them work it out? I am sorry. I have no interest in doing that either. My final solution is one that would probably not be highly favoured, but I have no control right now, so I have to sit back and watch from the sideline.

What is your solution to all of this, BG? You are pointing out what you think are superficial issues, but that is all. Critiquing what I feel like discussing is not going to make any of the other issues go away.

I don't have a solution, and i'm not trying to say something to make all your issues go away. Wow. Is that what you think everyone here is trying to do for you? I thought this was a blog where you throw out your thoughts and people can throw out their thoughts about what you write. I haven't been critical or disrespectful to you. I thought it was ok with you if i posted here after we had our conversation in PM but i guess i must have missed something important because you have now made it clear that you definitely do not welcome my presence here.

I excuse myself.
Reply With Quote
  #219  
Old 04-26-2013, 02:43 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 889
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
I don't have a solution, and i'm not trying to say something to make all your issues go away. Wow. Is that what you think everyone here is trying to do for you? I thought this was a blog where you throw out your thoughts and people can throw out their thoughts about what you write. I haven't been critical or disrespectful to you. I thought it was ok with you if i posted here after we had our conversation in PM but i guess i must have missed something important because you have now made it clear that you definitely do not welcome my presence here.

I excuse myself.
Your thoughts are welcome. I believe that I may be missing pieces that could make things better. I welcome other views. I can admit that wharf I am doing is not working.

It is okay with me. I have thought about what you suggested. It was one of my original thoughts. It could work for now, but my career would still be stuck. I want something more that is just not here.

I appreciate the thoughts and some criticism. I need that. I have too many yes people aroundme. I am weeding them out. Initially I was rejecting advice because it was not what I needed to hear. I am receptive to it and presenting these ideas. All to no avail. I do not know what to do now. I have not exhausted every option, but I am striking out.

In all seriousness, I appreciate your honesty and take on things. In your own sarcastic yet intelligent way, it has helped. I encourage you to continue. It may not be what I care to hear, but it does make me think after the fact.
Reply With Quote
  #220  
Old 04-26-2013, 03:04 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

Alrighty then.

I want to be clear that i was not suggesting what you seem to think i was suggesting! I even bolded that the second time i said it ( this was the third time just now) because i know you have a lot of stuff to read on here and i'm not the only one writing.

I was not suggesting ANYWHERE that you not move to australia and all that. I do not CARE - well i DO "care" but what i mean is that it makes NO DIFFERENCE to me what you do because when i hang up this forum i go back to MY life which right now has nothing newsworthy other than well, boring things like bills and laundry.

I was observing that it would not be the end of the world if your kids went to school in london because plenty of people go to school in london and turn out just fine. I think maybe you would do well to let go of the attitude that it matters too much in the grand scheme, because your children pick up on these things. My mother was uptight in certain ways and i took it for granted until i realized, wait a minute, i don't have to be like that just because that's the way my mother was.

I notice how people construct sentences; i guess you could say it's a hobby of some sort. I am particularly interested in the difference between oral and written communication. I think many people on here respond better to spoken word because you can use sound and sight to help send and receive the message. I however appreciate that those things are absent on the written format...

Sorry i digress and my train has arrived so i have to go.

Take it easy for now.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
anger management, bisexual female, blame, break-ups, breaking up, changing loyalties, children, co-parenting, competition, coupledom, demanding partners, divorce, forgiveness, from poly to mono, healing, making excuses, married and polyamorous, poly co-parenting, poly to mono, primary/secondary, therapy, triad fallout, trust, vee dynamics, vee vs. triad

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:02 AM.