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  #201  
Old 04-25-2013, 12:12 PM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Not nice however you look at it.

One of my relatives spent years co-parenting children with a woman she actively disliked - her husband's ex. Her husband disliked his ex even more and found it hard to be civil to her. My relative found herself very often being a go-between. She felt that she had no option because otherwise their animosity ended up affecting the children - battles of dental work, sharing of holiday time and the like had caused immense problems for the children in the past.

The husband and his ex had different ideas on parenting (and pretty much everything else too). Each of them would have been very happy if the other could have disappeared and my relative would have been over the moon if the annoying ex would have gone away.

When my relative's husband died, she could have cut off all ties then. Her step children were grown up and she had no more need for contact with anybody in that family.

She decided not to. By then she and her husband had had 3 more children and she wanted them to grow up knowing their half brothers. So she swallowed her animosity toward the ex, invited her to the funeral and meets her very occasionally for coffee. They will never be friends but as they share a link through children that are no blood relation of my relative's, they keep in contact and remain at least civil.

My relative went on and found a new partner - her 3 kids now consider him to be their daddy. The oldest is 7 just now and the twins are 5 and there would be I think life long resentment if my relative and her partner ever split up and the partner were excluded from their lives. I have spoken to my relative about it and she reckons that she's very aware that no matter how things go between her and her partner, he is in her life forever because of his involvement in her children's lives.

I feel utter horror at the thought that my relative's partner and those children would ever be split up. I spend a fair bit of time with them all and the love that those kids have for my relative's partner and the love he has for them is so clear. I truly believe that the children and the partner would be irrevocably damaged if they were to be cut out of each other's lives.

I do hope that Matt can work through his anger enough that he can see the potential damage to your children and to Si (although he may not care about the damage to Si).

IP
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  #202  
Old 04-25-2013, 12:12 PM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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I hope your back is better very soon. Sucks being ill.
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  #203  
Old 04-25-2013, 02:33 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Hi there.

I appreciate that your child is looking forward to attending this school, and in no way am i suggesting that you change your plans at the 11th hour, but seriously - plenty of people attend public schools or private school in the area in which they already live, in London and elsewhere around the world, and turn out just fine, go on to higher education and successful careers and happy lives. I know your kid is the most important special kid in the world and you want to do what is absolutely the right thing, but you repeat this reason over and over like you need to keep repeating it to yourself so you'll believe it.

I do NOT care where you send your children to school. Let's be clear on that. I do think you are fixated on it more than your daughter though. She's probably "so excited" because YOU are so excited. She's never been to school before, she has no frame of reference, she's five years old. Five year olds pretty much are still responding to the milieu that revolves around their parents. No i do not have kids but i remember what it was like when i was five. I thought the way my parents lived was the way everyone lived.

Anyway, what i am trying to say is, it would not mean the end of civilization as you know it if you sent your daughter to school in England, even in >gasp< London.

Quote:
Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
My child is looking forward to going to that school. I am proud because she is excited about getting an education. That is a parents dream. I am not going to break that promise to her. We let her have a say because we want her to know we value her opinion. She would be upset if I dashed her hopes because of all the adult drama. She told her grandmother, "I am going to big school!

We decided years ago that we did not want to raise our children in London. We looked at schools here, but nothing stood out to us. First impressions are everything to us. If the person who answered the phone and my initial questions was off-putting, it left a bad taste in my mouth. If you are too busy to return my call, that was off-putting. If we are trying to get a feel for the school and the staff, I need to know that I can reach someone if there is a problem. Overall we were unimpressed.

Maybe we do need to reconsider.

Last edited by BoringGuy; 04-25-2013 at 04:04 PM.
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  #204  
Old 04-25-2013, 03:13 PM
Octopus Octopus is offline
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Thanks BG for saying that. That is sort of what I was wondering about the whole time while reading this also.
Even more so, I thought the child in question was a teenager not a 5-year-old.
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  #205  
Old 04-25-2013, 04:15 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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We are entitled to want a change of scenery and a change of pace. People move every day. Our choice to move is deeper than her education. That is one piece of the puzzle. Why should everything have to change because everything fell apart?

I should reconsider because mummy #2 backed out. This move is just wrong because I am ripping my children from her. Hmmph. That is happening right now, and we are in the same place. Is staying here going to make it stop? I doubt it. She wants to see them now, and guess who said no? I gave up my control, and I was not asked. He was.
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  #206  
Old 04-25-2013, 04:39 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
Why should everything have to change because everything fell apart?
Right. I did say
Quote:
in no way am i suggesting that you change your plans at the 11th hour.
So I am not even going to answer your question "why". It's not relevant to me.

But check it out. Read the sentence that I quoted up there and meditate on it.




Why "should" everything change? There is no "should", there is only "did". "Falling apart" IS "change". Basically, you just said "why should everything change just because everything changed?"

That doesn't mean I think you should change your plans to move
. It means that I think you would benefit from looking at how you form sentences to express your thoughts and why you choose the words you choose. There is a whole other level of self-awareness to be had when we examine how we translate our thoughts from the abstract to the concrete. Communication is not JUST something we do with each other; there is more to it than talking and listening. It is also about meta-articulation and self-programming. When we recognize that we're stuck in mental/cognitive feed-back loops that are not serving us to our benefit, we can then make a conscious effort to eradicate them.

I know that many people reading this will not get it. Some of you will probably perceive this post, and my previous one, as me trying to tell the OP how to live her life. That is ok with me because I know that there are others who will read this and say "Thank you for saying that, it was just what I needed to hear."
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  #207  
Old 04-25-2013, 04:55 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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There is a name for what he is doing. Parental Alienation. I missed that, and I saw the aftermath of it with my niece and nephew. It took my sister pointing it out. Her children are still in therapy as a result. He is not saying anything negative in front of them, but he is showing zero empathy and does not have a care in the world for the other parent. The characteristics are there. She wants to spend time with them, and he shuts it down, thereby alienating her. In time, they will turn against her, resent her, and reject her as a whole.

Right now, it is the behaviours of it, but prolonged exposure can cause PAS or Parental Alienation Syndrome. There are three stages of PA/PAS. My niece and nephew were in the advanced stage, which is stage three. Their father filled their head with lies and sent my niece back with a "mission" that we found when we searched her things. Mind you, they were 9 and 7 at the time this happened. He had my niece recording conversations for him, spying, and she was a disrespectful little something.

Matt's behaviour coincides with a mixture of stage one and two. He does not care that they might want to see Si or vice versa. He distracts by doing something with them, so the thought to see her is forgotten in that moment. He avoids places where Si might be if he is out with our children. He is not trying to facilitate any communication between our children and Si. He does not even extend the offer for them to call her or anything. He is refusing to communicate with her beyond the scope of saying "no" when she asks to see them. He is not at the point where he is passing messages through our children because they have minimal contact as it stands. He is keeping her away from him. Before it was, she can see them, but not in the house because she is welcome here. If he is somewhere with our daughter like at a class, Si is not welcome to be there at the same time.

It is going to take a meeting with Parental Alienation Consultant for him to see what he is doing. While they will resent her now, when they get older and understand it, all hell will break loose. The problem with getting him to see this is he does not see her as a parent. It is going to take a professional who he is equipped to handle this. A mediator is not good enough.

At least now, I have an idea of what it is, who needs to get involved, and I cannot thank my sister enough for pointing this out.
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  #208  
Old 04-25-2013, 04:57 PM
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NutBusterX NutBusterX is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
There is a whole other level of self-awareness to be had when we examine how we translate our thoughts from the abstract to the concrete. Communication is not JUST something we do with each other; there is more to it than talking and listening. It is also about meta-articulation and self-programming. When we recognize that we're stuck in mental/cognitive feed-back loops that are not serving us to our benefit, we can then make a conscious effort to eradicate them.

I know that many people reading this will not get it. Some of you will probably perceive this post, and my previous one, as me trying to tell the OP how to live her life. That is ok with me because I know that there are others who will read this and say "Thank you for saying that, it was just what I needed to hear."
This is pretty profound. The best ideas are the simplest ones. I see figurative light bulbs illuminating and merry-go-round passengers deboarding.
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  #209  
Old 04-25-2013, 06:19 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NutBusterX View Post
This is pretty profound. The best ideas are the simplest ones. I see figurative light bulbs illuminating and merry-go-round passengers deboarding.


That's just the mushrooms starting to kick in. Don't fight it.
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  #210  
Old 04-26-2013, 12:19 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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The damage was assessed on my car. 894. The officer did not submit a report. I am like seriously jackass? This person rear ended ME, and I might have to pay? I hope he at least got the driver's name. How bloody incompetent.

My back feels better. I chose not to self medicate or take anything. I am not as sore now. I am going back to work. I tried sitting in the bed doing nothing. It drove me crazy. I was up doing laundry and everything else.

Counselling was alright. The issue with Si is still unresolved, but we are working on our other issues little by little. His trust in me is slowly increasing. I appreciate his honesty. We switched roles today. He was spot on with the things that I say, my facial expressions, and even my mannerisms. It loosened us up, but it was a learning experience. It made me realise how he sees me. It was entertaining and not in a negative light. I pulled out some of his Matt-isms and that sarcasm that is always lingering. Despite him getting on my nerves and being a royal pain in the bum, we are getting closer. We are still working on communication and how to do it effectively. I have habits to break. They are like strongholds. I am getting better, though. I know what I need to improve on, and I am actively working towards that.

I am not as stressed right now. I could let their drama get to me, but it is not in my best interest. The more I think about certain things, the more I understand the feelings and actions. I hate to say it, but there are things Matt might have been right about. I was in the middle. Now, I am on the outside looking in. I have a deeper understanding. I am not mad at him for wanting to remove himself from my poly family. He was more tolerant than I ever could have been.

I feel bad for my ex. I realise she has lost quite a bit in a little amount of time. I am amazed at how people are up in arms about my decision to end my relationship. I tried to save it. I was caring enough for the both of us. I was not happy with the way things were going. I was not a fan of being ignored. One person cannot save a relationship. I told her how it was hurting me. She did not seem to care. I felt deserted. That did not feel like love. I will never be immune to someone's pain. I was tired of fighting a losing battle, so I stepped back and gave her all the time and space she could ever need. I needed to work on myself anyway. I do still care about her and only want the best for her. Are we going to get back together? I do not know. That is not on my mind these days. I am committed to working on our friendship, though. For now, that is enough for us.
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anger management, bisexual female, blame, break-ups, breaking up, changing loyalties, children, co-parenting, competition, coupledom, demanding partners, divorce, from poly to mono, making excuses, married and polyamorous, poly co-parenting, poly to mono, primary/secondary, therapy, triad fallout, trust, vee dynamics, vee vs. triad

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