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  #21  
Old 04-22-2013, 06:42 AM
SSmith SSmith is offline
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Last edited by SSmith; 04-22-2013 at 07:14 AM.
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  #22  
Old 04-22-2013, 07:24 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default Kerrbear may have been talking about Marcus

Written word is often easy to misread the tone, either way I wouldn't sweat it SSmith, any advice given here is only going off of the story you share in your posts, so don't worry about it, and take it with a grain of salt

Including my words

But if you honestly are 100% sure that you feel you can only be in a traditional relationship (and you feel that way by far the majority of the time)

&

Your wife is honestly 100% sure that she feels she can only be in a poly-type relationship (and she feels that way by far the majority of the time)

then you will likely be doing yourself a favor to take Marcus's advice


I need to throw in the disclaimor that what I am about to say, may not at all be describing your relationship and many will disagree with me and they will be right to do so because it doesn't describe them, it comes from me and my experience as well as what I believe I see in happen in others who found themselves in a situation extremely similar to yours.

First of all, not many people recognize that the subject/viewpoint/decision or position they take a hard stance on, may not be a feeling they feel 100% of the time. Feelings or emotions are sort of complicated and I believe that for many of these subjects like love and polyamory it seriously takes practice to let your emotions guide you towards the decisions that will be right for your life. It takes practice because often our emotions sort of lie to US, and it is hard to truly recognize what those feelings are trying to tell US.

There are definitely ways that your wife can be involved with others that you will never be able to tolerate such as being rude, manipulative, and disrespectful. I don't know anybody who would feel happy in satisfied in that type of a poly-relationship

There are also ways that your wife could be involved with others that you do not effect your happiness and your relationship with your wife, and most people are not too concerned about relationships like that

There are also ways that your wife could be involved with others that appear to not effect your happiness and your relationship with your wife, however those relationships make a night and day difference in your wife's happiness, so much so that you never realized how much your overall satisfaction with your marriage depended on your wife feeling content with life, and her relationships with others is how she has found works for her to be feel content with life

Most people need to share some part of their life with others to feel satisfied with life. We are social creatures. I don't mean having a social event you are planning to attend three nights a week type of social , I mean most people enjoy some type of interaction with others, it's why Tom Hanks made the volley ball into a live person in the movie "Cast Away"

I should also point out that everything I am saying about "relationships" with others might fit into your life in regards to "sharing" anything, it does not necessarily need to be about sex.

In fact for now, look at it to just be your wife's other relationships as traditional friendships that do not include sex. Most people need many close friends in order to feel satisfied with life. Any even if those relationships did not include sex, you would likely not tolerate them if her friends were rude, manipulative and disrespectful.

and your wife's friends who treated your marriage with respect, showed with their actions and words that they cared about your well being, which means they understood the subtle ways that their friendship with your wife may effect your marriage.

When you communicate your concerns with your wife, it probably makes a lot of difference to you if she shows concern for how you feel and attempts to address your concerns because she genuinely cares. If she sits down and listens to you it makes things easier than if she said

well that's your problem not mine

most people need to support each other in able to make it through the problems your marriage is having. It also helps, as in can make a night and day difference when your wife's friends show concern for how you feel. It is hard to handle a situation where you think your wife's friend are trying to slight you instead of trying to support you to help you get through these tough times

and don't forget that all of my theories also equally apply to you, and the way you show with words and actions respect for your wife's friends and her relationship with them. It is extremely easy to be unconcerned, manipulative and disrespectful to them. I think many spouses do it and may not even be aware to the extent they are doing it.

Poly can be a very complicated life and require more conscientiously thinking of others' plight than some people are willing to be aware of. It is why many people who are poly find it works better for them to go about it in a more completely separated uninvolved manner of accepting that they have their time with a person and they have time away from the same person and they stay completely out of any part of the dynamic of each others "away" time.

that type of acceptance and freedom in an intimate relationship doesn't seem to come easy to those who have had mono engrained into their belief system as the only way to be in an intimate relationship.

Most people cannot just let go of all boundaries like that and from the get go. For most people who find themselves feeling conflicted in ways that you have described, it takes a lot of work, a lot of honest self reflection, and understanding. Plus it takes all that from all parties involved who are connected through who people that unrelated friends have in common.

when everyone involved genuinely cares about how each other feels, and everyone is honest (which requires coming back later and letting their friends know when/if they may have reacted or behaved in ways that didn't exactly align with the way people who care about each other behave) when that is happening I honestly do not believe there is anybody who can't find happiness in poly.

and when any one of the parties involved does not act like a friend, or is in anyway acting uncaring and disrespectful, I truly think when it goes unrecognized or unacknowledged it can wreck anybodies happiness living poly

that is the way all relationships work in life, the same scenarios hold true if the poly meant non-sexual but really close friend. Some people simply cannot handle their spouse being close to anyone. Some husbands cannot handle their wife having "traditional" close girlfriends even though their wife may be 100% hetero,

and from my view, people like that will never be in a healthy, satisfying relationship, as most of crave friendships with others besides our spouse that are what "normal" people would describe as "close" or best friends. I don't think it can be considered caring for your spouse if you were so insecure that you couldn't be her husband if she had other friends beside yourself if they were anything more than casual.

please understand I am in no way saying you are like that

The point I am trying to make is that honestly, I believe that if a spouse has a healthy enough outlook on life and friendships to understand that your spouse having a non-sexual best friend is completely healthy and in fact the easiest way for people to feel fulfilled and content in their life, if you can do that you can do poly (as in the including sex kind of poly) so long as you are involved with the right kind of people.

making poly work is nothing more than having emotionally healthy relationships with other people. It is about understanding how to engage in healthy relationships with others by knowing what boundaries work for you in your life to be happy. It is about being honest with yourself and being friends with people you can communicate with so that they understand you and you clearly understand them as well as have the same general ideas about what you consider defines respecting other people.

if the whole issue really was just about sex as opposed to healthy relationships in general, then only poly people would seek marriage counseling, and I assure you there are plenty of people whose marriage is about to fall apart and it has absolutely nothing to do with having sex with others, it has everything to do with their ability to have emotional healthy relationships

if you can have emotionally healthy relationships being mono, I strongly believe that you can do it poly. I say this because by far the healthiest poly relationships I know of, are ones that "accidentally" found themselves in a poly (that includes sex) scenario the easy way. They just fell into it. And I know for a fact it had nothing to do with their ability to be totally at ease and comfortable with sex, it had everything to do with understanding healthy relationships that did not include any aspect of sex.

if you can do emotionally healthy in regards to _________ (fill in the blank)

I promise you that you can do emotionally healthy *poly* which may or may not include sex

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 04-22-2013 at 08:37 AM.
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  #23  
Old 04-22-2013, 07:50 AM
SSmith SSmith is offline
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Thank you very much for your post, it was very insightful and gives me a lot to think about.
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  #24  
Old 04-24-2013, 02:12 PM
elle elle is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NutBusterX View Post
I think one more question to be asked of your SO is:

She is clearly poly. Is living poly a hard condition or a want?

Some poly folk choose to live mono and do so happily. Best of hopes for you in this tough situation.
This is where I get to be right now. I don't mind it a ton as long as my husband realizes that I am poly, even if we both agree that mono is what we need to do right now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SSmith View Post
Thank you very much for your post, it was very insightful and gives me a lot to think about.
And that's what I LOVE so much about this community. The honest posts and the deeper reflection that members here help a person engage in.

SSmith- I just wanted to tell you that your original post and the subsequent ones sound a lot like my husband and I wanted to give you big hugs. Even though he understands who I am (now) and that was boat-rocking enough, the actual engaging in poly (me) might just be too much for him to handle. It always always helps me to read all the different perspectives here. So thank you!!
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  #25  
Old 04-24-2013, 02:31 PM
elle elle is offline
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"The point I am trying to make is that honestly, I believe that if a spouse has a healthy enough outlook on life and friendships to understand that your spouse having a non-sexual best friend is completely healthy and in fact the easiest way for people to feel fulfilled and content in their life, if you can do that you can do poly (as in the including sex kind of poly) so long as you are involved with the right kind of people.

making poly work is nothing more than having emotionally healthy relationships with other people. It is about understanding how to engage in healthy relationships with others by knowing what boundaries work for you in your life to be happy. It is about being honest with yourself and being friends with people you can communicate with so that they understand you and you clearly understand them as well as have the same general ideas about what you consider defines respecting other people.

if the whole issue really was just about sex as opposed to healthy relationships in general, then only poly people would seek marriage counseling, and I assure you there are plenty of people whose marriage is about to fall apart and it has absolutely nothing to do with having sex with others, it has everything to do with their ability to have emotional healthy relationships

if you can have emotionally healthy relationships being mono, I strongly believe that you can do it poly. I say this because by far the healthiest poly relationships I know of, are ones that "accidentally" found themselves in a poly (that includes sex) scenario the easy way. They just fell into it. And I know for a fact it had nothing to do with their ability to be totally at ease and comfortable with sex, it had everything to do with understanding healthy relationships that did not include any aspect of sex."

All of your post was excellent, but the last part truly speaks to me.

Also interesting to me because my husband and I really are this way- we are (usually, although we've had our moments!) pretty emotionally healthy and secure. My husband says 'even when you are super mad at me, I've never felt not loved by you' and he knows how much attention and other relationships mean to me- we both realized I'm a half assed mother, secretary, housekeeper, etc. but the one thing I am good with is men, and male relationships. Not even the sexual aspect, the emotional and friend piece. I am very social, and love to give of myself.

However, my husband and I still have to discover how be secure with me having a sexual relationship outside of our partnership. For me, it's pretty simple (and I also see why it works to 'know' but not really know details... my husband says he 100% does not get off on the idea of me with other men, which isn't always so for many men, lots do...) but I see that it could eat my husband up (much like you) so right now I let it be.

I think it's a lot of overcoming insecurities and ideas of what relationships 'should be.' Also what makes a person 'yours.' Also all the honest talking. It's hard hard work!! Married folks tend to not do it enough, in my opinion.
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  #26  
Old 04-25-2013, 04:43 PM
SSmith SSmith is offline
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Update - We are still together, and are working on somethings. I realized that this is a pattern for me, a hump if you will. I am super supportive up to a point, then become bitter and angry, then become genuinely supportive and okay with it again. I even went out of my way yesterday to hunt down my wife's partners cell phone number and reasurre her that everything was ok. (Her and the wife were becoming more distant due to our relationship stresses.) So right now, I just need be aware of my feelings and take one day at a time.
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