Want an update?!!
I did finally show dh the Wikipedia definition of polyamory. He gets it. Took awhile to get through the 'well just how does this work?!!' questions and so forth.
I think it's hard when you've got one person who is your 'everything' (me) and they tell you 'I'm open to more than one.'
He's funny, though, and also said he's just a little crabby that his work/life doesn't give him more opportunities to meet people he finds interesting. Although he says that still wouldn't do it for him. Which is fine. What works for me doesn't have to work for you, I said.
He/we have made a few great realizations:
1. He has always been loved by me. Always. Even through our rough spots.
2. We both realized that I am half assed at a lot of things but I am good with men, in nurturing them, enjoying them, being good friends. Not sex, but a person you can count on.
3. I care enough to be honest.
Right now he feels a lot of security in that we've decided to work on our relationship right now and work on building trust and honest communication. I can see him having some insecurities (as gala girl said) about losing me because of my poly tendencies and we just need time so we can affirm to each other that that isn't the case.
When his eyes were downcast and he was withdrawn I took him aside and said 'tell me' and he did say 'I'm feeling worried that you are busy thinking of someone else and that I'm not enough.' Which is huge for him to be that candid with his feelings. And because he said something instead of walking away or stuffing feelings down, I was able to help and we had a great day.
We do both know that we don't ever want to be without each other and have also dug deep to talk about things that several years would have sent him screaming from the room. I have gently pointed out that I haven't hid myself, he's just not been able to really talk before.
So there you have it.
We may never have a poly sorta situation come up again, I am generally happy to go along with a mono situation, although I feel adamant that this is my tribe and, for me, I can handle polyamory and see that as a viable lifestyle choice.
No matter what, we certainly see now how marriage can make people 'lazy' about truth, honesty and personal needs. And what makes me laugh is we have a really solid foundation and we STILL struggled so much with those issues.
My husband does say he is open and willing to change/grow, but I can see he will need some time to do that. Right now he does feel some selfish security in having me 'to himself.' And every relationship must be tended to, so if that's what he needs, that's what we do right now.
|coming out, coming out poly, communication, dating, disclosure, help sought, ldr, long distance love, new and confused, new to poly|