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  #11  
Old 03-23-2013, 05:49 PM
kkxvlv kkxvlv is offline
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Default Take a breath for good stuff

Thanks for the tips! I really appreciate it.

It's funny that I am only just now getting to posting all this self doubt because things are so good right now. When I turned 30 something flipped inside me that I need to go see everything immediately. So I'm trying to get out hiking and camping as much as possible. I also want to make a point of scheduling visits with Jasper a least once a month where as we had been sort of just waiting until something comes up or long holiday weekends. I'm trying to keep a calendar for all of us for the first time to make planning easier and we've just booked April and May visits. In May we'll be taking a trip all together which we haven't been able to do since last summer. Last weekend Herman and I were out adventuring and when he noticed we had cell reception he would ask if I wanted to check in with Jasper. Then when we got home, Jasper and I watched one of our stupid tv shows together and he had been having a good weekend and wasn't down about me being out of reach since I managed to let him know properly for once. This week Jasper helped Herman out with some computer stuff. Now I'm having breakfast in bed with a small dog who looks like a living teddy bear. Just regular stuff but it feels great.
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  #12  
Old 03-26-2013, 11:14 PM
kkxvlv kkxvlv is offline
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This is unrelated but I guess it is part of the love in my life. I wanted to write about something that happened this weekend but I couldn't seem to do it without going on for pages about my parents. Only in the last few years have I realized how much of ones thoughts and emotions can be traced back to things your parents did.

To try to make a long story short I haven't seen my mom in two and half years. She moved to another state during my parents split but had been visiting where I live once or twice a year since her 3 children, 3 grandchildren and 2 sisters all live here. Then one of my brothers moved across the country and suddenly she had a bunch of reasons she couldn't come. The last time I saw her I had invited her on a trip with Herman, Jasper and I. I have invited her since but she said she got a new job and she is also an artist and has been very busy, etc. I am happy for her because she is getting a chance to have her own life in a place she loves rather than just following along supporting someone elses dreams like I perceived her marriage. That said I have not been able to go visit her because she happened to move to a place that traumatized me numerous times on family vacations as a kid. Nothing that terrible but, injuries I still have scars from, animal attacks, getting lost or stranded, severe storms. Enough that I vowed 15 years ago that I would never return as an adult. I mentioned that I've started hiking and camping again but I had anxiety that kept me far from such activities for many years until I've come to realize that as an adult I have control over my own well being and the situations I put myself in which I did not have back then. This year I decided I was ready to face it and go see her and have been thinking about a trip probably in October when she said the weather was best. So yeah that part is my fault but I was working on it.

In the last few months my brother who had moved has returned. My brothers are 10 and 12 years older than me and we have never been close. This brother has been at odds with one or another member of the family since he met his wife. For years she hated both my parents, now since my parents split she seems to like my mom but they both hate my dad and I have no idea what their problem is with me but I've kept my distance since they both made horrific comments publicly about Herman at our wedding and have taken every opportunity to continue since. When they moved back, they found me on facebook and I accepted the requests but they immediately started with the nasty comments on random things I would post. I haven't unfriended them because I'd rather not give them the satisfaction of knowing it bothers me. On saturday I saw he posted a picture on his page of himself and my mom titled "moms here!" She hasn't bothered to contact me at all. I can't contact her because she doesn't have a cell phone and I don't have his number. I don't know why she's here or for how long but they appeared to just be out having fun.

It really upset me. I started thinking about it in sort of poly relationship terms because that's where my mind has been lately. If they had planned this trip for him and her I guess it makes sense they would not want to take time out of it for her to visit other people. To my knowledge she has never made the trip out here without seeing everyone whether we got together as a group or she made a few stops but I guess I might be wrong. It just seems like if it were meant to be private, he could have not posted it on facebook. If it were my partner visiting someone else I would fight this jealousy and tell myself her spending time with him was not intended to hurt me. Then again I would hope they wouldn't put me in the position of finding out they were nearby for the first time in years from someone else on facebook. I certainly don't need for everyone to be equal, I know he has seen her several times since I have and it never bothered me before. It's just very disappointing that this didn't even prompt a call to say she thought about me being so close and sadly wouldn't be able to see me.
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  #13  
Old 04-04-2013, 07:38 PM
kkxvlv kkxvlv is offline
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Setting out to cover a few points when I started seems to be preventing me from writing other things when I'd like. Getting the first 2 off my chest has contributed to me feeling so great lately that it's hard to be detailed about the concerns I was having at that time. They are long term things though so I will have to come back to my original 5 points later.

Jasper will be here tonight. I always get pretty stressed right before we visit. We are usually working extra in order to take a couple extra days off, and then there is some extra cleaning or preparing for whatever activities we've planned. The extra stuff to do also means we talk less leading up to the arrival and there is always this sort of odd detachment that makes meeting in person all the sudden a little awkward. That feeling has lessened over the years but still hasn't gone away entirely. I guess it would be nice if it were a grand romantic running into each others arms moment but I can't seem to do that. Even when I come home and am very excited to see Herman I prefer a running pick up where I throw my stuff in the car and we head home and get to talk for awhile before all the hugs and stuff.

I'm feeling a lot of pressure from only having 1 weekend a month. I think trying for one visit (of however many days) per month with Jasper will end up being an overall increase in days together for us and yet there is still so much pressure to get the most out of it that we can. Herman's work schedule also makes it so we only get one full weekend a month together as well. Despite the fact that I see him every day I still feel a lot of pressure to make the most out of that weekend. It never matters what we did, we're always happy just being together. I know this in my heart but my mind can't quit freaking out over the limited opportunities. It also doesn't help that I feel like the majority of planning responsibilities falls on me. I'm sure I created that situation but it still contributes to the stress. Perhaps I am not fully recognizing the added demands and effects of my third love affair with the wilderness. I've got the NRE bad with that one. Luckily Herman and Jasper are also quite smitten.
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  #14  
Old 04-10-2013, 09:53 PM
kkxvlv kkxvlv is offline
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Default my troubles with cell phones

Had a great 4 days with Jasper visiting Herman and I. I certainly need to get a handle on either solidifying plans in advance or just letting go of whatever happens. Visits always make me feel like the luckiest person in the world. Jasper worked so hard to be able to take the time off (and is now working even harder to catch up) and Herman spent so much time helping me with plans for the weekend. I was happy we ended up spending some time all together even though I did not get as much adventuring time as I hoped. It makes me so happy just to be in the same room with both of them.

On Monday I was in a rush and driving a lot and I failed to check in with Herman about where Jasper and I were headed and when we'd be back. He ended up waiting around for us for some time, probably worried and I know personally I miss someone more when I don't know when I'll be hearing from them again. I meant to let him know our plans but by the time I tried we were out of cell reception and it bothered me all day long. I do the same thing to Jasper.

I know I need to do a better job of checking in about where I am and what my schedule is like. I worry that this creates the feeling that I forget about the other person when I'm out with someone else. That is absolutely not true. While I do believe that its important to focus on the person and experience you're presently having, I do think about them. I don't carry a phone so the whole cell phone socialization sort of escapes me. They both do and it isn't a problem for me to use it but it's not in my pocket so I don't think about sending a quick text. I also don't know when we have reception because I don't check it regularly like they do.

I don't really want my own phone. I lived for many years before people felt the need to be available all the time. I hate how people expect you to answer every time it rings because they know you have it on you. I hate it when people are constantly checking messages, emails, sports, news or whatever while we're supposed to be enjoying each other's company. I haven't fallen victim to this purely because I don't carry one. I'd like to think I could use it just for checking in and emergencies but it's not likely. The times when I have carried one while traveling, it repeated broke, or I had no service due to some glitch at the company or I had no power. It ended up causing more worry and trouble than if I had just been assumed unreachable. Ahh just more additional stress caused by not having advanced plans.

I know I just need to make it a higher priority to check in during the packing and rushing to get on the road. I think that has finally sunk in for me this time.

While I'm on the subject of how much I hate cell phones... I also hate calling people on their cell because I don't know where they are or what they are in the middle of. Jasper only has a cell line and consequently I tend to wait for him to call when he is free. I think sometimes he wishes I would be the one to initiate contact more. I hate the thought of interrupting him at work or when he is with other people. There has also been times (including while we are fighting) when I've been unable to reach him for extended periods of time and I don't know if his phone has died/broken/got lost or if he's angry and avoiding me or if he's dead in a ditch. I know it probably doesn't feel much better when I am unavailable but he has 3 locations to try to reach me at and other people to say they've seen me alive recently. I also can't forget to complain about all the messages we HAVE sent each other that are never received. Of course I am ignoring how helpful they've been in keeping us connected and these problems have a much less significant affect on us than they did in the early years.

I think I will have a conversation with each of them reiterating that I will make a better effort to check in but that I want to be assumed safe and simply "out" for 24 hours unless I've stated another time frame. I'm also using the group calendar to write down when I do have things planned rather than rely on someone remembering the event I mentioned in conversation. We aren't usually so explicit about our expectations. I've been with them both for long enough that most things are understood as a matter of routine. It feels a little odd to address things in this manner but it is my plan to try this for awhile and see what effect it has on my life.
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  #15  
Old 04-11-2013, 06:03 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Wanted to chime in about the cell phones. I really understand your reluctance but you don't HAVE to treat yours the way others treat theirs. I use mine as a.) landline - wherever I am, b.) txt generator - no reply required c.) back up alarm clock d.) that's it (I don't allow it to access the internet - sucks battery life and my time).

When I had to have one for work I decided that it was silly for me to pay for a landline when I already had a cell phone paid for. BUT I also decided that I would answer my phone on my terms by my rules. So, when my phone goes off I do check it - if it is work, I answer (since that is why I have it) - if it is friends or family then I answer by "landline" rules. IF I am home, AND I want to talk to them (which does happen once in a while), THEN I answer it...otherwise it goes to voicemail (which they know that I hate - so they only leave one if it is actually important/time sensitive).

I only use txt for info that doesn't require a reply ("Heading home." "We need milk." "Leaving at 7." etc.) - never for conversation. I find txting to be the perfect answer, for me, for the purpose of letting the boys know where I am and what my timeframe is. AND I never worry about "interrupting" them with a txt - since my txts never require a reply. If I want to talk to them but it is not urgent I will txt "I'll be home between 5 and 8 if you have time to talk and want to call - otherwise I'll see you tomorrow." or "Wanted to talk about our plans for tomorrow - I'll call at 9. Don't answer if you are busy. I'll try back at 11."

You DO have to fight the "expectations" of others but it actually doesn't take too long for most people to learn your style. (I do have exactly one friend that is savvy enough to realize that if it goes to voicemail after 2-3 rings its because I shut it off...so I let her calls ring through all 7 - or tell her that the battery must have died.)

Yes, it is not unusual for txts to not go through right away. I actually still have a pager for this - so work can contact me if phone is dead. MrS and Dude are the only others with the pager number and they have codes to use if it is an actual emergency.

(Funny story: I was at work and my phone went off, it was my mom. I sent it to voicemail, commented to my co-worker "hmm, that's my mom...she hardly ever calls." My co-worker said - "Shouldn't you answer that - what if it's an emergency?" I said - "If it's an emergency then she should call 9-1-1." He said - "What if something awful happened - like your dad is dead?" I said - "Well, then there is nothing I can do - he'll STILL be dead whether I answer the phone or not.")

I did, finally, convince Dude to get a phone. My argument was: a.) you keep taking MrS's phone, then I can't get in touch with him/wake him up b.) there is NO PHONE at the two houses you are likely to be at if you have to call 9-1-1 (which is why you take MrS's phone) c.) you don't HAVE to give anyone your number d.) if you don't want me to call you - I won't. Now, if he would just leave the stupid thing on the charger and quit using it to play music and run down the stupid battery...

JaneQ
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #16  
Old 04-18-2013, 04:48 PM
kkxvlv kkxvlv is offline
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Red face Another Love

This blog seems to have put me at odds with myself. I want to reveal but I want to hide. I want to get it out of my head but I don't want to open up a can of worms. I don't want to worry what other people think but I feel like defending myself.

I've been writing a lot lately but can't seem to organize my thoughts enough to post. I thought I'd take a break and intentionally embarrass myself by writing about another love in my life.

I love these guys from this band. I'd be more specific but I think that would be the most identifying characteristic about me on the internet. I mean I deeply love them as people. I've introduced them to my mother. Sometimes I make myself feel terrible about it because gosh that is just so pathetic and juvenile. I fell in love with them musically first. Just the sound they made. Then the things they said, in songs and in interviews. Often I wish it had stayed there.

But then we met about 8 years ago... I was incredibly shy at that time in my life. Just going to their shows was a lot more exposure to people than I was ready for. One day we're at this festival and the lead singer just walked by. I made Herman ask him to take a picture with me. Instead this guy grabbed me and hugged me so tight that I kind of freaked out. There was another band playing at the time and we couldn't really hear each other so that was that. Ok crazy hug aside that was fairly normal. The next time a year later I was minding my own business taking a picture of the ocean and I felt someone bump into me. It's him. He just starts talking about seals. Somehow during this conversation he convinces me to go to Mexico which I've had an irrational fear of as far back as I can remember. I don't believe he remembered having met me before but it was so weird.

Another time I waited in line for this official meet and greet thing where I met another guy from the band. I asked him for a hug once and I've never had to ask again. I was telling him about how his music is the only thing that has ever totally cleared my mind. He made some comment about how I should be careful because that kind of thing is addictive. I was kind of offended because he is a former drug addict and I'm like the one anti-drug education success story who was scared enough to never touch anything ever. I just didn't like the addiction word being thrown at me by this guy who doesn't know me at all. I'm not sure what he picked up on in those few sentences, he was right though.

I started going to more and more shows and things got weirder. I always stood in the same spot up front and so the entire band began to remember my face. This period of time was a big deal for me too because I was extremely shy and sort of afraid of doing anything on my own and so I was traveling on my own and exposing myself to lots of people on purpose. Accomplishing those things by seeing them was easier because... well because I was in love with them. The first time I went to NYC I was alone and absolutely terrified. Someone yelled something at me from down the street and when I looked back it was their drummer. He made fun of me for being in NYC when he'd just seen me in San Francisco a week before. (Yeah addicted was the right word) He might have the biggest heart of anyone I've ever met and little did he know, he saved me from having Herman come get me because I was so scared of the city at that moment. We are sort of friends now I guess, our relationship consists mostly of us busting on each other about everything.

Of course in those first meetings I was floored to be in the presence of those guys who make those sounds but they are incredibly down to earth and real, kind people. I've had a lot of conversations with the 3 of them and they were often really strange personal kind of things. Later that year I had told the singer I was bringing my mom to a show and they made this huge production of playing a song I had never got the chance to hear live before and dedicating it to me. Apparently they got the (hugely embarrassed) reaction they wanted because this sort of became a thing they did repeatedly to mess with me. They were aware of my goals in traveling and meeting people and I think this was also their way of telling thousands of people my name which over the years has resulted in a lot of potential friends approaching me. In fact one of those people is Jasper. I am not sexually attracted to any of them so thankfully that type of crush is not part of it, but love is there. I'd call it obsession but man there are fans so much worse than me its scary and I've always made a point to show some restraint, and treat them like actual people and not objects. Seriously people can be really terrible. Perhaps for that reason, I know they share some fondness for me too, no matter how much I try to ground myself and be realistic. I could fill a whole blog of its own with the crazy experiences we've shared and the innumerable kindnesses they've shown me over the last 8 or 9 years. They've shaped my life in fairly major ways. I've withdrawn some in the last few years (by that I mean I tearfully told them I wouldn't be around for awhile because I genuinely believed they might have worried) and while I think it was the right thing for me, I miss them a lot. When I look back I feel like I must have imagined the whole thing. I still feel stupid about my feelings sometimes though. It's sort of the craziest poly relationship between me and them and all their fans who now know me by name and Jasper who I'd argue is more in love with them than I am but in a bit different way. Believe me, it affected our relationship like any triad would. That's a post for another day as I'm sure it will be an issue again some day.

Ok so I am friendly with mid level celebrities. They wish me happy birthday, they ask about me if they see Jasper without me, we catch up about ourselves when we talk rather than me blathering on about fangirl nonsense. But why do I have to love them? Why do I miss them when we aren't really close enough for me to reach out to them? Why do I worry about them? I have phone numbers but I wouldn't call unless I needed to. I assume they have hundreds of people contacting them online daily so I don't go that route unless it's a joke and I don't care if it lands or not. I can't say we're really friends. Yeah we care for each other, we all would and have done things for each other I wouldn't count on from just anyone. But come on! I'm 30, I can't love guys from a band! and certainly we are growing apart. I'm not in love with their most recent album, their fanbase has taken a turn I don't care for and in all those years we've all changed as people. One of them is going through a phase (I hope!) that looks way too similar to my dad's and I'd rather not be around to see it in person but I still love him and I worry for him and how it will affect the rest of the group. I hate that I'm not in as much contact with them or my other friends from shows just because I don't want to go as often. In the end its just another time I have so much to say and so little ability to express it. I feel so lame. Why I am posting this stuff voluntarily?
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  #17  
Old 04-18-2013, 05:14 PM
kkxvlv kkxvlv is offline
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Thumbs up Nice one!

Shout out to the persons who decided to rate my blog haha! The first time I assumed it was one of my guys though neither would admit it. Now I know you raters mean business! Having anonymous ratings on the personal blog section is a little weird isn't it? I might like it.
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  #18  
Old 04-18-2013, 06:54 PM
kkxvlv kkxvlv is offline
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Default my troubles with posting here

This may sound related but I wrote all of this before I noticed the rating thing, I actually do think that is pretty funny.

I've written a lot in the past week but I can't seem to put it out here. I'm not sure why I thought this blog would be exempt from my communication freeze ups. I wrote a whole post about some conversations Jasper and I had while he was here. Then I went to look for a bit of something I had written before about the 'Not Having A Plan' point and everything I had written that day was the exact opposite of what I had just written. In high school I was quite delighted by Emerson but I haven't thought about his writings in many years but the moment made me think of this. “Speak what you think today in hard words and tomorrow speak what tomorrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said today.” I would like to write the blog that way because parts of me still wish to express both things but I hate that now I'm not sure what I think. Is that difference supposed to mean something? Is it a change? is it growth? Is one of them a lie? Am I simply feeling more peaceful than I was weeks ago?

I've also been reminded recently why I stopped participating in internet forums years ago. They always seem to breed drama and I've never been one of those people who can just say anything because its the internet. I've debated giving up continuing to write here entirely. I'm not really doing it for the public nature of it, I'm doing it to work through my thoughts and kick start communication with my partners. When I started I was so concerned about what reaction my partners might have that I didn't have any concern for what anyone else might think at all. I'm a bit disappointed in myself that I'm already getting tangled up in how it's presented.

Everything has positives and negatives. I've found a lot of positives in reading and posting here. I never held the fantasy that I wouldn't be judged whether publicly or privately but this board seems like an odd place to throw stones. So many of us have bared our mistakes and missteps and our insecurities and flaws. It was that exposure that led me to want to write here though I don't consider others mistakes quite as ugly as mine. I want to allow myself to shine a light on everything, including the ugly. To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure I'm a good person. I try to make the best decisions, I try to treat people well. I'm never going to stand up and talk about how great my morals are though. I don't think I have everything in life figured out. I don't see things very black and white. My primary value is freedom. I believe the best I can do is to keep reminding myself that everyone is different and I can't let myself believe I completely understand them or their situation. I find my most fundamental problem in relating to people in general is that so commonly people think that what works for them is best for everyone else. It simply isn't enough for many people to enjoy their freedom and leave others to their own.

Its hard not to be affected by some of the stories here and its hard not to comment. Its frustrating how often someone describes a heartbreaking situation and then immediately makes a 180 and starts defending it when the comments come in. Sure you can just not look, but it takes a better person than me to just ignore everything that bothers you. Reading others' stories certainly inspires many thoughts I feel compelled to write about but I'm not sure that's such a great idea. I've thought about using this blog space to write about "types" of situations thinking that might be less confrontational as I've seen others do but that seems a little passive aggressive or something. I'm not sure where I feel the line is between expressing inspiration you've gained from someone else and just talking about other people.

It is a little disappointing to see generalized finger pointing from others who have also bared their significant mistakes here. Again, we all handle guilt and consequences differently and perhaps a little misdirection can smooth ones feelings for their own decisions. Obviously my own guilt leads me to react at all. I am a deeply flawed person. Occasionally I do think that makes me unworthy of love. Thankfully there are at least two people in the world who do not agree. In the interest of not being completely ungrateful and dismissive of that, I am trying to work past my feelings of unworthiness. I can only move forward and focus on things that are actually productive in our relationship now. It is true, I would not prefer to cast aside bonds I have shared for many years in the name of starting over with a clean slate. I'm never going to be perfect. The other half of that decision is not mine. I think that's a matter for another post. So I'll leave off here, I know I am the luckiest idiot ever to have these two people in my life. I'm not going to feel bad about it any longer. So actually, thanks for the breakthrough on that!
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  #19  
Old 04-24-2013, 05:35 PM
kkxvlv kkxvlv is offline
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Its been two weeks since I thought it had "sunk in" to work harder on checking in. The first weekend I failed terribly remembering only when we were at the bottom of a canyon. I had put it on the calendar that I'd probably be taking off but I know Jasper hadn't seen it. This past weekend I did it though and surprise! it feels a lot better. It makes me feel really good that Jasper has been very supportive of me getting out on the weekends. We have a TV date on Sunday nights and I send him pictures of where ever I've been. I hope he's got more time to get out of the house and accomplish his own stuff too. We really were spending a lot of time sitting around on the phone. We still do this, but in more manageable chunks. Some part of me worries this means we are starting to grow apart even though it seems a lot better.

I guess I feel a bit worried about how everything seems so easy right now. Herman and I are very happy. We've been having a lot of fun and talking a lot too. Jasper and I seem to be finding a better balance with our relationship and our local lives and have not had a fight in many weeks. We have all been very busy though. I wonder, is that the secret to success or is it just making it easy to ignore our issues? Jasper's moods seem to be some degree better than they had been last year. I wonder if it is being busy that is responsible for that as well. He has taken on a lot of new responsibility at work and is very stressed from that. He is getting a real work out managing anger, not taking things personally, and putting limits on the time he puts in and the amount of responsibility he takes on. From my view he's doing much better. I often feel at a loss for what to do to support him though.

We will all need to work together to get our group May trip planned which I know I've already waited way too long to get booked. Too busy having fun to plan future fun. I think I will have to stay home this coming weekend though, we have no clean clothes or food in the house at this point.
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Old 04-29-2013, 04:51 PM
kkxvlv kkxvlv is offline
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Last week Jasper called in the evening and I went into the bedroom to grab the phone and then instead of returning to the living room where I had been sitting, I just fell into bed and talked in there. Herman stayed in the living room past his usual bed time which I thought which was a little weird and I eventually got up to see what he was up to. He seemed short with me and sort of avoiding me asking questions and I was worried he was irritated by me suddenly ditching him for the remainder of the evening and sitting on the phone in another room. We eventually went to sleep and the next morning he said he was feeling pissy and I asked why but he wouldn't really answer. That's normal for him. He will get in a bad mood and considers it just a mood with no real problem attached to it. I'm not that way at all. If I'm in a mood, I try to figure out what is causing it. It is very hard for me to just let him be that way and not prod because then my mind starts looking for a reason on my own. In this case I assumed it was carried over from the previous night. We talked later during the day and it turned out he was anxious because he knew he would have to be dealing with some customer complaints at work. Totally logical and as per usual the world is not always revolving around me! I wish he had said so the night before but it's quite possible he didn't even recognize it as that until later. I wish I was able to just let these things go and I wish I didn't jump to feeling guilty about little things I do so quickly.

Later in the week I ended up involved in a situation I'm not yet at liberty to discuss but it was a real reminder of how great and easy my relationships are. I've never thought that the relative degree of ones issues means they are any less valid or worth working on but yeesh... I sure am grateful I have the luxury of worrying if someones slightly down mood has something to do with me or not. It has also cemented my recent thoughts that each one of us has got to be responsible for our own well being as individuals. I've been writing more on that I hope to actually get posted eventually.
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