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Old 01-04-2010, 06:17 PM
Confused Confused is offline
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Default Just need to talk

Hi there. This is my first time on this site and first time ever anywhere talking about this subject.

I'm female, and very happily married to my sweetheart. We are best friends, and still completely in love. We have two young children. I always considered myself completely monogamous, since I haven't really even found other people attractive since I met my husband.

However there is another guy. He is my exboyfriend from before I met my husband, and he was and continues to be good friends to both of us from before we got together. He has a girlfriend already who is married to one of his other friends but recently my feelings towards him have been straying back towards romantic rather than just friendly. We live in different countries so we email and talk on the phone, we flirt like crazy, and I'm finding talking to him really enjoyable and exciting. My husband knows and we've talked and talked over it and he continues to mostly be happy with this although its well outside the range of our experience and expectations up until now, if anything I'm feeling more in love with my husband every day that he can be this strong and supportive of me being happy.

I am hoping the other guy can come to visit us at some point and although I think my husband is not ok with us having a completely sexual relationship, I think he would be ok with us playing in some ways if he was present. Its all so new to me all these feelings and they're creating so much guilt for me. I get jealous and insecure much more easily than my husband does, and I don't think I could cope if my husband had this sort of interest in anyone else. I know my husband is feeling some jealousy and concern at times and I feel bad about that even though he tells me its fine and he's coping and he just wants me to be happy.

It doesn't feel right to want something for myself that I'm not mature enough to allow him to have for himself. The only slight mitigating difference between our situations is that I spend a lot of time home alone craving companionship while he works, whereas he's working with people all the time so has no more desire to be with anyone other than me afterwards.

Anyway, I'm sorry for rambling. I'm sure this is about as clear as mud to anyone reading but I'm feeling anxious about it all.
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Old 01-04-2010, 10:09 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hi Confused - and thanks for sharing.

From what you've written I'd maybe just toss out a couple comments.
First - I'd just go slow - acknowledge the new discovery you've made and try to get you and your sweetheart talking about what it all might mean. Don't be rushing to "label" anything or leap off in any crazy direction right off.
Explore together, learn to talk about potentially sensitive issues etc. It can only benefit your relationship long term regardless if anyone else enters the picture or not

Secondly, I'd encourage you both to dig into understanding the whole "jealousy" thing. Jealousy is a very negative and dangerous emotion, even if it seems to be built into us. It can however be banished to it's dark corner and told to stay there. This is just another thing that will benefit your relationship regardless of whether you remain monogamous or drift towards poly. It's still a dark demon that deserves banishment and there's loads of good resources and people that can team up with you on that quest. Lots of good reading material already right on here and some great people anxious to help. So don't be hesitant to call out.

Good luck - be happy.

GS
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Old 01-05-2010, 07:16 AM
Confused Confused is offline
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Thankyou so much for your reply. I talk all the time with my husband, we've got so good at talking over jealousy issues (usually mine admittedly) over the years. I've been working on myself an awful lot over the last couple of years and my jealousy has become much less, and neither of us ever display unpleasant jealous behaviour, we just talk it over and ask questions and try to do whatever it takes to feel secure again. Usually for me thats just being allowed to ask as many questions as I need to and have them answered freely.

I have been telling my husband about every feeling I have that pops up and whatever goes through my head, and we're both feeling really happy with each other but we both have feelings of "Are we completely crazy? What on earth are we doing?" sometimes I think.

I have spoken to the other guy about my feelings for him, I was worried about potentially hurting him if my husband and I decided at some point that this wasn't actually a good idea. Thankfully he replied that he was flattered, was having fun with me and enjoying talking to me regularly and is attracted to me and would love to play with me but doesn't think he has any deeper feelings. This is a guy who's heart I broke once so this is a huge relief to me that I'm not being totally selfish by getting involved with him again. I said before that he is already involved in a relationship with the wife of another friend for the last 5 years or so. Its not like either of us actually has time or opportunity to explore much more than a friendly flirtation but I guess I still have this nagging feeling that what I'm doing is wrong, particularly because he is someone I have always cared so much for.
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Old 01-05-2010, 07:53 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Confused View Post
"Are we completely crazy? What on earth are we doing?" sometimes I think.
Nope, I mean yup

There have many people who have come to this forum with similar questions about hooking up with someone on line. Sometimes people they have known from their past. It isn't crazy, it happens, but it can make someone feel crazy.

Welcome to the forum. hope you have time to read.... there is a lot of information on here that may help.
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Old 01-05-2010, 09:18 AM
Blaidwynn Blaidwynn is offline
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Hi Confused,

I am new on here as well but I can tell you that from my own experience if you can simply accept yourself for what you are the confusion will disappear very quickly. It is not insane to love more than one person any more than getting married blinds you to the existence of other people. human contact is necessary for a balanced mind and love for a healthy relationship. that you and your husband communicate is the right way to start, that he is accepting, even supportive is better. I don't know if this helps you any but i was once just as confused but just knowing I wasn't the only one helped me alot.
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Old 01-14-2010, 05:10 PM
Confused Confused is offline
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Well I keep reading and reading on this site of others experiences and I keep admiring my incredible husband who is willing (if not keen) to support me in having a closer relationship with this man.

There are some things that sound so lovely to me, mainly being able to talk for hours with him, and to cuddle and be affectionate with him. When the three of us are together I feel so happy and I love the way they talk to one another (they were best friends for a long time and I kind of got in the way) and the way they both flirt with and tease me.

But.. I find so many things that I read about poly relationships just don't mesh with the life my husband and I have created together. We have a policy of total honesty and love to share all our thoughts with one another, I worry that there would be things that I would end up not being able to tell. We share every moment together that we possibly can and would never want to spend less time together so I couldn't face sharing him with anyone else at all because I would see him less and I don't see as much as I want to of him as it is.
We have built such an intensely close, fulfilling, exciting and loving relationship and we talk about everything and share all our experiences and feelings. I think I'm spending more and more time lately thinking that I don't want to have anything taken away from that. I don't want to have experiences away from him and seperate from him. He's my sweetheart and I love him and miss him dreadfully when we're apart.
I'm just finding myself swinging wildly from desire to spend time talking with my ex and seeing where that could go, and desire to just cut off all contact with him, let my feelings subside before we all see each other again and focus everything back on my husband.

Last edited by Confused; 01-14-2010 at 05:13 PM.
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Old 01-14-2010, 05:23 PM
Confused Confused is offline
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Its been kind of complicated by something for me lately. I've always been fascinated by BDSM specifically being submissive and have had only a couple of vague experiences with it before I met my husband. My husband has always known about my desires but has struggled with the confidence to try to explore this area with me. Lately he's bought some books to read and he's really trying to think through his feelings about it all and find areas that arouse the both of us. So we're really inexperienced and lacking in time (because of having two small children) so our explorations are going very slowly and we're spending much more time talking than actually doing anything. Which is just the way I like it for now but sometimes I feel a little impatient.

However this year we found out kind of by accident that our friend (my ex) is interested in this too and in the summer when he came visiting for my birthday he teased me a little and made a few dominant type overtures to me which set my heart racing. Its been a great encouragement to my hubby, seeing the way I reacted made him feel more confident to approach this side of things with me himself but I am wondering how much of my feelings for our friend have come from this reaction.. and if so can they be genuine feelings of attraction or is it just a fascination?

Hi, I'm Confused and I tend to overthink stuff..
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Old 01-14-2010, 06:01 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hi Confused,

Sounds like you have an awesome relationship there ! Hope it continues to grow and get better for both.
Couple comments........

Quote:
Originally Posted by Confused View Post
We have a policy of total honesty and love to share all our thoughts with one another, I worry that there would be things that I would end up not being able to tell.
Understandable concern but probably overemphasized. It's not a conflict to have private pieces of ourselves that we just don't share - maybe with anyone. Part of being an individual. From what you present I doubt that anything that needed and deserved to be "shared" would end up suppressed.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Confused;
We share every moment together that we possibly can and would never want to spend less time together so I couldn't face sharing him with anyone else at all because I would see him less and I don't see as much as I want to of him as it is.
We have built such an intensely close, fulfilling, exciting and loving relationship and we talk about everything and share all our experiences and feelings. I think I'm spending more and more time lately thinking that I don't want to have anything taken away from that. I don't want to have experiences away from him and seperate from him.
It seems here that you and husband will lean more towards relationships that include both of you as opposed to each having separate relationships. Personally I like that - prefer that - myself (ourselves - mate & I). Something about it is just more connecting for everyone. Then only complexity in that may be if you each tend to lean towards or be attracted to different personality/interest types. Then sometimes it's hard to meet someone who clicks with you both. But it's absolutely possible !

Just a thought though on your comment about wanting to spend "every minute" available together etc. This CAN be signs of dependency - or lead to it - so I'd just be a little careful about that (and honest with myself). Having a little "space" of our own is really necessary & healthy. Like so many other things - balance is the key.

Good luck ! Enjoy the journey.

GS
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Old 01-14-2010, 06:54 PM
Confused Confused is offline
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Thankyou so much for your reply, I'm so grateful for the space to work out my feelings and very grateful for any response to help me work through whats going on.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
Hi Confused,

Just a thought though on your comment about wanting to spend "every minute" available together etc. This CAN be signs of dependency - or lead to it - so I'd just be a little careful about that (and honest with myself).

GS
I would agree with you that certainly earlier in our relationship I was very dependent on my husband. Things are different now, I want to spend every minute possible with him mainly because we don't get much of it I think. We have two small children around all day long and he often works evenings so we tend to get 4 evenings out of 9 to be alone together. I've worked a lot on myself this last couple of years and am finally making strides in accepting myself and liking myself without being entirely dependent on how he feels about me for my self esteem. But he's just so darn lovely to be around..
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Old 01-15-2010, 05:32 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Confused View Post
We have two small children around all day long and he often works evenings so we tend to get 4 evenings out of 9 to be alone together. I've worked a lot on myself this last couple of years and am finally making strides in accepting myself and liking myself without being entirely dependent on how he feels about me for my self esteem. But he's just so darn lovely to be around..
4 out of 9 is far from excessive I think <chuckle> But just keep TALKING - letting him know how much you value that time. But try to be fair also and acknowledge that within that limitation (4) there may be desires for both of you to pursue some self interests too. The more you talk about such things the less likely someone will come away with a feeling of being rejected, ignored or trapped by over-dependence.
Make sense ?

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