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  #761  
Old 04-23-2013, 04:45 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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A moment I wanted to share.

As per usual, Clay was in charge of managing the venue at the party on Saturday night. It was a particularly crowded and complex event. Everything actually went really well, but it was stressful and intense, and he'd just come off of a shift at his day job. He basically worked a 16-hour day with no breaks, and just a little time to socialize and relax at the end.

I did what I could to help out, ranging from putting up decorations to running out for more supplies to just sitting quietly at his feet with my head on his thigh while he checked people in. I had my share of fun, no doubt, and I gave him his space from time to time, but I tried to make sure that his needs were met and that he was supported whenever I could.

At the end of the night, he looked exhausted. I asked him how he was doing. He smiled and said that he was fine, just tired. Then he said "Whenever I got worried tonight, I just thought to myself 'It's going to be fine, because my girl is here.' You give me so much strength."

Happy happy happy.
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Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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  #762  
Old 04-23-2013, 04:11 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Sometimes, I start feeling like I'm lacking an important source of security in my life because I don't have a primary partner. Who's my guaranteed +1 for important life events, I ask myself. Who will buy a house with me, or parent children with me, if I decide I want those things? Who will look out for me when I'm old and sick?

Then I think about all the people in my lives who found no ultimate security in primary partnerships. The friend whose husband died suddenly. The friend whose wife left him when he got sick. The other friend whose husband blindsided her with a completely unexpected "I dont love you any more." The co-worker whose long-time partner and co-parent went off her meds, had an affair, and now treats her with disdain for no discernable reason despite every attempt to reason with her.

Security has to come from myself. My family, friends, and partners can and should be an important support network for me, and maybe someday I *will* find someone to walk hand in hand with me through a large portion, or maybe even all, of my life. But I don't need that, and there are never any guarantees. My friends who lost their life mates are going strong. And so am I.
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  #763  
Old 04-24-2013, 02:09 AM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
He said that it hadn't really occurred to him before then that he has a pattern of being vague if there's something he doesn't really want to say (in this case, the example being him saying "Maybe, I'll think about it," rather than just "No, I really don't think I have the time, unfortunately" when asked about a weeknight date when he already has too many evenings booked). He said that he was glad for the insight and that he'd feel much more comfortable being direct from now on.
To me, fascinating, not trivial at all. My boyfriend also avoids stuff, and I have tried to learn to interpret his absence of specifics, but I still wonder how much he is aware of the pattern himself. It seems so obvious to me.

And congrats on the success of your direct approach!
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  #764  
Old 04-24-2013, 12:17 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Originally Posted by wildflowers View Post
To me, fascinating, not trivial at all. My boyfriend also avoids stuff, and I have tried to learn to interpret his absence of specifics, but I still wonder how much he is aware of the pattern himself. It seems so obvious to me.

And congrats on the success of your direct approach!
I'm glad it was appreciated, and thank you! Have you tried pointing it out to him in these terms?
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  #765  
Old 04-25-2013, 12:27 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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Sometimes, I start feeling like I'm lacking an important source of security in my life because I don't have a primary partner.
And when, exactly, would you have time to see this primary partner?
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  #766  
Old 04-25-2013, 03:33 AM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
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I'm glad it was appreciated, and thank you! Have you tried pointing it out to him in these terms?
I have at times, but probably not for a while. Once I finally learned to decode ambiguity, it became a bit less necessary. And since I've still been struggling a bit at figuring out when being upset or frustrated by vagueness is warranted vs when it is simply my insecurities in hyper mode, I've been cautious about bringing it up. He's also been under a mind boggling amount of stress for the last few months, and I really haven't wanted to add to it with things he might interpret as pressure.

Still, not ruling it out for the future.
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  #767  
Old 04-26-2013, 03:26 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
And when, exactly, would you have time to see this primary partner?
An excellent point! Though, of course, I could, if I chose, pine away about the fact that none of my current secondary relationships are poised to become primary relationships. I actually did feel sad about that for a while with Gia. Then Davis and I actually tried it and it didn't work out, mainly because I didn't actually want it. And now there's Clay, with whom I don't see it as a plausible outcome, and am not inclined to seek it... I think maybe I'm getting better at accepting things for what they are.
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  #768  
Old 04-26-2013, 01:00 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I was feeling stressed about work yesterday, and was starting to get a tension headache about it when Clay messaged me to say Hi. I mentioned to him how I was feeling and he asked if there was anything he could do. I thought about it for a minute or two -- after all, he wanted to help and I was pretty sure there must be a way he could, so I owed it to him to try to respond to his request -- and I ended up suggesting two things. That he 1) take a picture of himself just for me and send it to me, and that he 2) pick something relaxing for me to do and then tell me to do it.

He sent me two pix -- one of him gazing sweetly at the camera, and one of him holding a cat up to his head. Then he told me to go somewhere where I could sit outside and have a beer (it was a beautiful day).

It was like magic how well it worked. It was kind of absurd how immediately and completely better I felt and how it lasted all evening long. In turn he reported feeling very happy about being able to be so helpful, and thanked me for thinking hard about it.

I just wanted to share. The way the give and take of D/s colors the little nuances of our interactions is just working so, so well for us.

<3
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  #769  
Old 04-26-2013, 01:14 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Aww! I am glad you shared that about Clay, and I am glad you were able to relax.

Ry
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  #770  
Old 04-27-2013, 10:46 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
I think maybe I'm getting better at accepting things for what they are.
I think that is true, Annabel. I don't see you struggling with your relationships as often, or for as long, as you used to. When there is an issue, you seem to be better able to come up with a solution -- whether it is to speak your mind, find a distraction, or ask for what you need -- and then to move on. There seems to be lots more acceptance, satisfaction, and being happy and at peace with your life coming through in your writings than there used to be. Just thought you would like to know that it shows.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 04-27-2013 at 11:21 AM.
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