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  #1  
Old 04-22-2013, 08:43 PM
PhoenixLoch PhoenixLoch is offline
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Default How do I explain my need to be with someone else?

In less than a month my SO moves home, 6500 kms away. If we are lucky we will see each other 2-3 times a year for the next 18-24 months when he moves closer and we can be in the same city for 2 years. We have been in a monogamous for the most part (he was with one of his GF's back home when he visited one week.) We want to try to make things work and still be together at the end when we can live together again. He has said he doesn't share well and he likes his GF's to have no one but him. He realizes this is a double standard but he feels as he feels. When he leaves he will have the love and support of my metamours. I will be alone thousands of miles away. I need to be in a relationship for a number of reasons. How can I get him to support me having a BF while we are apart. I would be completely up front about everything with everyone as I will not lie to or about anyone.

I don't know what I hope to accomplish with this thread. Just hear what you all have to say I guess. thx xxx
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  #2  
Old 04-23-2013, 12:31 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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It seems as though you a bit between a rock and a hard place....

Quote:
Originally Posted by PhoenixLoch View Post
He has said he doesn't share well and he likes his GF's to have no one but him. He realizes this is a double standard but he feels as he feels.
and
Quote:
Originally Posted by PhoenixLoch View Post
I need to be in a relationship for a number of reasons.
First off: He does realize that this "double standard" is hypocritical, right? Yes, he feels as he feels (as do we all), but has he addressed the underlying reasons that he "feels" this way? Is he even trying to work toward overcoming this?

For a long time MrS was okay (feeling-wise) with me having relationships with other women but not other men...intellectually he realized that this was irrational but...there it was. It wasn't until the situation smacked him in the face that he had an epiphany and a major perspective shift - whereas his "feelings" were able to align with his "thoughts" on the subject.

Secondly: Why do you "need" to be in a relationship? (You don't have to answer, this is "food for thought.") Will any relationship do? For instance, could you STOP being in a relationship with your current SO when he moves but leave the option open for resuming the relationship when circumstances align themselves?

For me, I have no "need" to be in a relationship - I feel like I am "complete" whether or not I am in a relationship. Relationship(s) enhance and improve my life but are not necessary for me to be happy.


Quote:
Originally Posted by PhoenixLoch View Post
How can I get him to support me having a BF while we are apart. I would be completely up front about everything with everyone as I will not lie to or about anyone.
It's good that you have a personal boundary that you won't lie to or about anyone. The truth is that you can't "get" him to support you having a BF while you are apart. You can tell him what your decision is - i.e. "While you are not here, I plan on leaving myself open to developing a relationship with someone else. I won't lie to them about you, but I can't promise that I will not get involved with someone else while you are gone. If that is not acceptable to you then we are going to have to break-up...at least for now. If, in the future, we can pick-up where we left off then I would like that."

I did something similar when MrS talked to me about joining the military when we were in college. I said that I loved him and he should do what he needed to - but that I couldn't commit to being in an LDR, or promise that I would still be "available" when he came back. He didn't go...

Not sure if this is helpful, just my take on your post...

JaneQ
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (22+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi married female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #3  
Old 04-23-2013, 05:45 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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You could say...
"Please clarify. We are about to enter LDR for 2 years. Are you requesting that I not date anyone but you under these LDR conditions because you are unwilling to learn to share so that we can stay together?"
He can respond with "Yes" or "No."

And you can say
"I am still willing to meet your request for exclusive under LDR conditions."
or

"I am no longer willing to meet your request for exclusive under LDR conditions."
It may be hard to feel, but these are the options than I can see from my angle. I'm not sure what other options there may be.

1) You guys renegotiate your agreements in light of the LDR situation
  • He learns to share and you date
  • He learns to share and you do NOT date anyone else.
  • He does NOT learn to share, you date.
  • He does NOT learn to share, you do not date anyone else

2) No compromise/renegotiation can be reached. You break up in the LDR time and see if you can come together later on when short distance/local relationship is once again possible.
Quote:
How can I get him to support me having a BF while we are apart.
I don't know if you can persuade him to be supportive. You can't make the man learn to share if he refuses. You can't make him give you his goodwill/blessing for your to date. You can only decided to be with him or not be with him -- the things YOU control.

Conditions are changing in this relationship -- you guys can adapt to meet the changing conditions or... end it because it no longer will fly together well.

I'm sorry this is hard. But it is what it is... just like he feels what he feels and you need what you need. Talk it out.

If you want to be in relationships with others because you have a need for close connection -- if he doesn't want "date other people" to be on the table, what's his suggested plan for him to help provide for your need for connection in LDR? More calls? Online Skype dates? Are these enough to meet your connection need or not so much? Only you guys can sort it out.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-23-2013 at 03:15 PM.
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  #4  
Old 04-23-2013, 01:43 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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You don't focus on trying to "get him" to do anything. You can only state what you need/want/desire to be happy and then you do what you need to do to take care of yourself, even if it means breaking up temporarily or even permanently. And he will make his choice about what he can and cannot live with. You're your own person, make your decisions accordingly. He is not your boss to seek permission from. If he can have other relationships, you can too. Sheesh!
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #5  
Old 04-23-2013, 02:33 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PhoenixLoch View Post
I need to be in a relationship for a number of reasons.
I, too, am curious about this statement. You need to be in a relationship for what reasons? You need to be in a relationship moreso than others?
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