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  #1  
Old 04-22-2013, 11:27 PM
crimsonsapphire crimsonsapphire is offline
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Unhappy How do you get over jelousy?

I have been in a poly relationship for over a year now and so far things have been doing well, except over the past few months I have started to feel jealous towards my best friend Sam (who is also his wife), being with him more especially when they are having sex. I don't understand exactly why though since he shows that he loves me and says that he does, and even shows me, and most of the time I believe it, its just that when he and sam have sex I feel not only like crying but also punching her in the face. I don't understand though, he loves for me to be involved in the sex even when he is having sex with her, he also spends more time with me then her because of her job, and he always gives us both equal affection yet I always feel scared at times that I will land up being pushed away and forgotten.
I want this to be resolved especially before 6 months since his new girlfriend is going to move in soon, and I don't want to show anymore jealousy. He tried to help me by talking about it and sam tried to help as well, but I still feel angry and hurt when they get intimate and then feel even worse when he tries to talk to me about it. It's like I don't want to believe that I am jealous.
Please help me to resolve this, I love them both so much and I want to make sure that things will get better.
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  #2  
Old 04-23-2013, 12:54 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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It sounds like something has changed...and you haven't identified what it is, so you can't really work on it.

Have your feelings for him deepened in some way? (i.e. you were thinking that things were more casual/fun but you found you desires for your future with him changing)

Is it the threat of the new girlfriend moving in that has made you insecure? (how long ago were these plans made?)

Did something ELSE happen in your life that "unbalanced" you? (i.e. did you have a major shift at work, or in another friendship or relationship, that is making you feel more "needy" than you used to be?)

You don't need to answer these questions here - they are just "food for thought" as to why something that previously you were okay with is now bothering you.

I had an instance early on in my relationship with MrS - I thought I was going to be okay with something (him hooking up with his ex-girlfriend/now-FWB while they were at a show together) and it turned out that I wasn't. Turns out that it wasn't that he slept with her...it was that SHE slept with HIM that was bothering me (as she was my FWB too... but our connection was more nebulous) - but it took a while for me to pinpoint where my discomfort stemmed from.

JaneQ
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3 yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS; married to TT, poly male
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #3  
Old 04-23-2013, 02:20 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am confused. Is this correct? Please correct me if I am wrong. I'm just trying to help by guessing, ok? I could be totally wrong.
  • You are seeing a man for over a year now.
  • His wife is Sam. She is also your best friend.
  • Some new GF is going to move in soon with him in the next 6 mos.
  • You feel scared at times that you will land up being pushed away and forgotten.
  • Lately you feel envious that Sam and he share sex when before you were ok.
So could the trigger be the new GF coming to move in? Then the GF and Sam have what you do not -- cohabitaing with him? That there may not be time left to share with you? Since the GF is not here, could you be projecting your UGH on the one who IS here -- Sam?

Could you be upset that this new GF is moving in and you were not part of the discussion? You were left out of talks even though it makes a major change in the polyship dynamic and your own life as a result?

Do you need to be reassured by him that you are bot going to be pushed away and forgotten? What behavior would you like him to do to show that? A steady date night? Something off page 5 and 6 here? Something else that would demonstrate a commitment to you of NOT forgetting about you?

Hang in there. Breathe, and try to sort out how you feel and what you might like to request of him and of yourself so you can start to feel better.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-23-2013 at 02:22 AM.
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  #4  
Old 04-23-2013, 04:49 AM
crimsonsapphire crimsonsapphire is offline
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Default Making things more clear

To answer some of the questions, my feelings have greatly deepened and when they did the jealousy started to grow as well.

The jealousy was there even before he met the third girl although it does make me a bit more worried now.

When it comes to something happening in life though, he did get a second job (which he is going to quit soon) and with me working and Sam as well I felt like I didn't see him as much but Sam saw him more, which I found out later was the opposite.

I'm sorry for being so vague so let me explain more. Tim and Sam are married, and Tim knew me when Sam and I hung out and school and she introduced me to him. Back then Tim only thought of just being monogamous until we started falling in love then Tim watched an anime about poly relationships and that's how it happened. I knew Sam and Tim for four years but tim and I became a couple last year.

Recently though in the past few months the jealousy thing grew, I think part of it is because I used to spend so much time with Tim before he lost his old job and we both had to get new jobs and work longer to pay for the new apartment. I also love him so much that lately I think I am scared that such an amazing relationship won't last, I don't know what else is bothering me but in truth I am so scared that I will land up being forgotten because it happened a lot to me in the past with friends. I should know now though how much time he spends with me, and how caring he is so I don't know why I am often paranoid or jealous when I see how much he loves me.
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  #5  
Old 04-23-2013, 05:08 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Right now I am hearing lots of feelings. This is good. You can articulate your feelinds. You are not articulating your need though.
  • I always feel scared at times that I will land up being pushed away and forgotten. I need _____ to not feel scared I'll be forgotten.
  • I am scared that such an amazing relationship won't last. I need _____ to believe this relationship can last.
  • I am so scared that I will land up being forgotten because it happened a lot to me in the past with friends. I need _______ to feel this relationship is not like my friends that bailed on me.

Lots of fear. What do you need to feel safer so you can allow yourself to move past the fearfulness?

Could taking a needs inventory help you narrow down what need of yours is not being met by you? How do you talk to yourself inside your own head? With nurture and support? Or comparing / talking down to yourself like you are not enough somehow?

They sound willing to help.

Quote:
He tried to help me by talking about it and sam tried to help as well, but I still feel angry and hurt when they get intimate and then feel even worse when he tries to talk to me about it.
What needs do need met by him? Sam? More time spent alone with him? No group sex? What?

When he talks to you about it, what makes it feel worse? The words he uses? Emotional flooding? Talking about it at all?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-23-2013 at 05:22 AM.
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