Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 01-13-2010, 11:41 PM
crisare's Avatar
crisare crisare is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 172
Default

Coupla thoughts .. and I'm going to quote a couple of people. IN the interests of full disclosure, my first relationship outside my marriage started as an affair. I did eventually tell my husband about it and my relationship with this person continued ... my husband and I separated for a while and then got back together. But ... ultimately, it was an affair. So that said:
Quote:
If you are the cheatee, I don't believe that you are the cause, but a symptom of a problem that has nothing to do with you.
I cannot express how strongly I disagree with this. I was the cheater. My husband was the cheatee. The reason I cheated on him was that in 10 years of marriage, we had not had sex in the last 5 - not because I didn't want it, but because he didn't. He has different sexual drives than I do, different desires, and ultimately he rejected me over and over an over and over again until I quit asking. We went to marriage counseling. I begged him to see a doctor. Etc. Etc. Etc. Five years later a flirtation turned to more ... and I realized what I'd suppressed and been missing in my life. To say that the reason I cheated had "nothing to do with" the cheatee (my husband) is patently ludicrious. And I know that I'm not the only person - male or female - who has been in the same position. And whether it's sex, affection, romance, whatever .. to say that the "cheatee" has nothign to do with the problem is ... quite simply ignorant. It takes two ... cheating doesn't happen in a vacuum where there is one completely evil wrong person and one innocent blameless victim.

I'm not saying cheating is right. I'm not saying what I did was right. But the "cheatee" was not innocent or blameless either.

From the OP:
Quote:
in reality (as long as it stayed under the radar) it was highly beneficial to everyone.
That's completely and totally justification. How is it beneficial to everyone to hide and lie and cheat someone you love? And I say that as someone who did all the above for what I thought was a valid reason - it was beneficial, my husband is happy being married to me, I can get what I want elsewhere and stay with him. I'm happy with him other than sex. No one has to be hurt. Etc. I totally told myself that it was "highly beneficial to everyone" involved. That's a lie you tell yourself to justify lying and cheating to someone else.

Period, the end.

I realise that my stance is probably not the popular one here, but it's very much how I feel .. having been there myself.

Does it happen? Sure. Would I do it again? I honestly don't think so. The fallout from the finding out (on all sides) was devastating. It destroyed relationships. It destroyed trust. It was the worst thing that has ever happened in my life. I accept full responsiblity for my role and actions in it as well.

Justification is exactly that ... and if you're honest with yourself you'll admit that the truth is that it's only "beneficial" in the sense that you/your partners are "getting away" with something.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 01-13-2010, 11:42 PM
crisare's Avatar
crisare crisare is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 172
Default

Oh also as far as removing this thread becuase it's not "about poly"? I disagree.

Many people learn about poly because of an affair (I did). Many people think having an affair *is* poly. Discussing this here IS entirely 100% appropriate to this forum, IMO.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 01-13-2010, 11:48 PM
rolypoly's Avatar
rolypoly rolypoly is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 350
Default

crisare, by the term "cheatee", I meant the person who's cheating with, not the person who's being cheated on....

In other words, if you're faced with the choice to sleep with someone, knowing that they are cheating on someone else, whether or not you do it is a choice you make for yourself. Because if the person is going to cheat, whether or not you do it isn't going to erase the reason they're wanting to cheat.
__________________
My heart is too big to fit into one person.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 01-14-2010, 12:46 AM
crisare's Avatar
crisare crisare is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 172
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by rolypoly View Post
crisare, by the term "cheatee", I meant the person who's cheating with, not the person who's being cheated on....
Ah ... gotcha. I've never heard the word used in that sense. I've always heard cheater (the person doing the cheating) and cheatee (the victim of the cheating).

Quote:
In other words, if you're faced with the choice to sleep with someone, knowing that they are cheating on someone else, whether or not you do it is a choice you make for yourself. Because if the person is going to cheat, whether or not you do it isn't going to erase the reason they're wanting to cheat.
Hm. I'm not *entirely* sure I agree with this. I would not have cheated on my husband if the person I had the affair with didn't encourage our relationship to continue and become a party to my lies. He was complicit - he called me when I told him he could, sent me things to my office, not my house .. etc. Was he involved in the problems in my marriage? No. But I wouldn't have cheated (with him) if he hadn't made himself available and been very clear that he didn't care that I was married and that we were going to lie to my spouse.

Now, would I have cheated with someone else later .. I honestly don't know. I know that there's every possibility that my husband and I would be divorced right now ... because it was cheating that led me to realizing I could love two people at once, an therefore led me to learning about poly. It was cheating that made me realize that there *could* be an ethical way to be with my husband and led me to open a discussion with him on the subject - as well as to ask him back into our home to try to work this out. If it wasn't for that, I probably would have left him and pursued another monogamous relationship.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 01-14-2010, 02:03 AM
ladyjools's Avatar
ladyjools ladyjools is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 175
Default

Ok first i want to say that i think this thread is very apropriate and useful for this forum, i know that some people will find it offensive and we will all have strong opinions on this matter but it is def useful to learn from each other and see diffrent points of view!

I have been in the situation where I fell in love with a man who was already as good as married. I did not plan for this to happen and i was young and far to nieve about love. I am very aware what i did was wrong. I would not ever put myself in this position again EVER. BUT

I do not regret it.

The situation was not black and white. He was in a relationship that had no affection, physical, emtional, sexual. I would say infact that he was being constantly verbally abused and so worn down by this that he didn't believe he could leave,

then we became friends and gradually fell in love. What we should have done was build up that friendship and not given in to the physical need for at first touch. Even though myself and montianboy are poly he was not and so i would not consider the relationship i had with him to be a polyamorous one it was simply an affair. I am glad that i had the strength to end that affair and take a big step back so that he could resolve his current relationship. We broke up for 18 months.

Now that he is single, we have spent the past 6 months just talking, working things out between me and him, him and montianboy and very gradually healing the wounds that where caused in the affair.

I will never have an affair again, i am not a mistress nor do i enjoy being one but i was an experience that i learned a great deal about myself from and i met someone that i truelly loved, and still love. I belive it happened for a reason and though i wouldn't let it happen again the same way i feel like i came out of that experience stronger, more positive and with better values.

Jools
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 01-14-2010, 02:20 AM
rolypoly's Avatar
rolypoly rolypoly is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 350
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by crisare View Post
Hm. I'm not *entirely* sure I agree with this. I would not have cheated on my husband if the person I had the affair with didn't encourage our relationship to continue and become a party to my lies.
I hear you on this. I guess I was coming from a place of knowing that I would never go so far as to encourage an affair. And from the assumption that as a cheatee, (a person that's being cheated with), I discovered afterwards about the other person.

I am still processing everything I'm reading here. I am enjoying reading this thread, (and definitely feel that it's valuable on this board, though I definitely understand why Fidelia feels it's not relevant to poly).

All of this brings up the question: If I am open to stretching parts of myself, where does it stop being healthy, good-for-me growth and simply being untrue to myself? That's what I'm mulling over and don't have much else to contribute than that.
__________________
My heart is too big to fit into one person.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 01-14-2010, 03:22 AM
ImaginaryIllusion's Avatar
ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,921
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by River View Post
I'd appreciate hearing what other moderators think about my view.
As has been pointed out by more than one member already, this thread is very much in the realm of the poly experience...as such there's no reason to restrict it.
__________________
“People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.” - Chinese Proverb

-Imaginary Illusion

How did I get here & Where am I going?
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 01-14-2010, 03:27 AM
nikkiana's Avatar
nikkiana nikkiana is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 164
Default

I wanted to add that I think this thread does have merit and should remain on this site. I think the vast majority of people on this forum would agree that cheating is a bad idea and it's very strongly not advisable to get involved with people who are cheating on others.... However, I think that it's extremely unwise to forbid the discussion of situations that have involved cheating.

Like it or not, there are a lot of people who have discovered that they were poly because of an affair, and realized that while their behavior was wrong and then made right of the situation. Should we be discounting their experience that brought them where they are today? I don't think so.

There are also a lot of people out there that have ended up in situations where they've been involved with someone else who happens to be cheating... whether it be because they didn't have the foresight to ask about the person's other relationships, or because the person didn't end up being honest with their first partner, or whatever. That's a hard situation to find yourself in and break yourself away from.

People make mistakes. People learn from mistakes, both from their own and the mistakes of others. It's extremely unwise to pretend that mistakes don't happen and suggest that discussing them has no place in the community.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 01-14-2010, 03:29 AM
crisare's Avatar
crisare crisare is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 172
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nikkiana View Post
Like it or not, there are a lot of people who have discovered that they were poly because of an affair, and realized that while their behavior was wrong and then made right of the situation. Should we be discounting their experience that brought them where they are today? I don't think so.
[...]
People make mistakes. People learn from mistakes, both from their own and the mistakes of others. It's extremely unwise to pretend that mistakes don't happen and suggest that discussing them has no place in the community.
Thank you nikkiana - very well said.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 01-14-2010, 04:22 AM
rolypoly's Avatar
rolypoly rolypoly is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 350
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nikkiana View Post
It's extremely unwise to pretend that mistakes don't happen and suggest that discussing them has no place in the community.
Nicely said.
__________________
My heart is too big to fit into one person.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
affairs, cheating

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:38 PM.