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  #11  
Old 04-20-2013, 02:08 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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I hear a lot of 'this is what I know about poly and he doesn't know as much as me' going on. I'm not sure that's helpful. I would suggest you both doing research, there's lists here of good books to read, threads to check out, blogs, and most of these are really just guidelines. It's really up to the people in the relationship to figure it out best for themselves. Really it boils down to what you need or are want out of a relationship. You say you don't want a serious relationship with him, seeing him once a month is fine, so that's your expectations, and that is discussed. When those things change you discuss them again.

I am one of those people that was married first, and then came into poly but believe me it's not the majority or even the most 'popular' way. Everyone has a different style because everyone is different!

Yes, when BF and I were having a hard time, it was felt in my marriage. Felt by the kids too. They would give me hugs and say sorry and they would tell me to let BF know they still love him. DH didn't ask details because he knew it was an issue for us to work out, I gave an overview, communication issue, and he sent some reading materials that helped him to BF hoping it would help.

Now this is pretty much what would have happened if it was a good friend from work or socially too, so the fact that it was a romantic relationship did not make it WORSE. One of the things DH does that is amazing to me is that even in the beginning, when things were hard for us and we were stumbling into this, he would ask himself, "How would *I* want to be treated if I was the other person?"

I say it's amazing because though he and current BF have quite a bit in common, are not friends but have mutual respect for each other, it was not always the case. There were people I was seeing that he had NO respect for and for good reason. Yet, he worked on what upset him and why and how to deal with it, and still asked himself, "If it was me, how would I want to be treated?" It's not easy, and so many people don't think of that question even in daily life, but he does and it's not only helped us all in this but still blows me away at how unselfish and amazingly caring he is as a man that he would ask that in situations where he would be more than right in thinking only of himself.

Ask that question. Not just of this potential partner but of HIS potential partners. If you had a bad day at work, or a problem with a good friend wouldn't you WANT to be able to be yourself, feel down and have your partner hold you or at least express regret at you feeling badly? Or would you want your partner to tell you to deal with it on your own time and give him your undivided attention or you aren't worth his time?
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  #12  
Old 04-20-2013, 05:02 PM
Elorahd Elorahd is offline
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Thanks. That's the stuff I needed to hear. Right now I'm about getting what I need and protecting my own interests. But he and I aren't at a stage where we really care about each other yet. He has a lot of other things in his life, hobbies and such, that I'm taking no interest in at the moment. I don't find them inherently interesting. Currently we share and talk about things that we both have in common. But isn't that what you do early in a relationship? I can certainly see that if we spend more time together and come to care for each other that my lack of interest in those things will change. And if he ends up dating other women like me, I can see us becoming friends. But I'm definitely like your husband in that it's important to me that he treat all women in his life with respect and integrity. I've actually become pretty sensitive about that as I've been in plenty of dysfunctional relationships in the past and I have absolutely no tolerance for it anymore. I wouldn't want to date someone who used or took advantage of other women.
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  #13  
Old 04-20-2013, 06:27 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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It seems to me sooooo many people, either gender, let their genitals do the thinking when it comes to attempting poly. They see an attractive person, get turned on, and bam! "I must fuck this person!"

It is getting to the point where I, personally, get almost grossed out when I read about people with 3 or more lovers. Maybe it's me. I get polysaturated easily. I've also had a solid 4+ years actively practicing polyamory. Plus a year or so attempting to do it with my ex husband back in 1999 and 2000, with aftershocks from that attempt lasting nearly a decade.

I recommend to poly people, stop thinking with your dicks! your clits! When you take on a new partner, you're not just getting laid, you're taking on their whole person, likes, dislikes, family history, past traumas that affect how they respond emotionally, etc etc.

If you just want to fuck around, say so. If you're poly and having issues with one or the other of your partners, you better be a damn good communicator. Or there will be blood, metaphorically speaking.
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  #14  
Old 04-20-2013, 08:11 PM
Elorahd Elorahd is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
It seems to me sooooo many people, either gender, let their genitals do the thinking when it comes to attempting poly. They see an attractive person, get turned on, and bam! "I must fuck this person!"

It is getting to the point where I, personally, get almost grossed out when I read about people with 3 or more lovers. Maybe it's me. I get polysaturated easily. I've also had a solid 4+ years actively practicing polyamory. Plus a year or so attempting to do it with my ex husband back in 1999 and 2000, with aftershocks from that attempt lasting nearly a decade.

I recommend to poly people, stop thinking with your dicks! your clits! When you take on a new partner, you're not just getting laid, you're taking on their whole person, likes, dislikes, family history, past traumas that affect how they respond emotionally, etc etc.

If you just want to fuck around, say so. If you're poly and having issues with one or the other of your partners, you better be a damn good communicator. Or there will be blood, metaphorically speaking.
Ha! I totally agree. This guy isn't like that at all. If he was, I would have no interest in him. He's interested in the connection, as am I. But he never dated around when he was younger, like most people do and he still seems to have that curiosity about what other people are like. He also isn't sure what he's looking for in a mate. I had both of those down before I was 30.
So he wants to explore different people in an emotional sense but there has to be a good, sustaining connection or he will not be interested. He also finds it difficult to ask a woman out when there is no context. So, just going up to a woman in a bar and asking her out because he thinks she's attractive is out of the question. He has no connection with her. So, knowing all the things about him, his requirements and limitations, I'm wondering how easy or difficult it might be for him to find women to fit these roles. I think if he were just looking for sex, it would be a lot easier for him.
So, can someone give me an idea of how easy or hard it might be for him to find other women interested in this specific situation? I'm just kind of curious and it also might help give me an expectation on how long we might have to do this alone before someone else is added to the mix.

Btw, I just had a conversation with him and told him that if I was going to enter into this with him, I needed to know that he was fully educated about this lifestyle and I needed him to really think about what he wanted and how he was going to deal with different situations. The feeling I had gotten from him thus far was one of, "Oh, well this sounds fun, how about I try it out?", with really no thought given to the reality and specifics of the situation. Needless to say, that did not instill a lot of trust in me.
He said he would educate himself and figure out what he wanted. I told him that, at present time, very safe sex practices were the most important things to me. Everything after that was negotiable. I understand that flexibility is called for in these situations but I like to be as prepared as possible as to limit the danger of things turning into a gigantic mess. It just seems stupid to do it blind. We're not 17 anymore.
I'm hoping this will drastically decrease my stress level. I've been maxed out for the past 2 days. Not necessarily because of the subject matter but because I've been in limbo. I freaking hate limbo! I like to have decisions made and basic guidelines for moving forward. I need some structure or I feel completely lost. I'm hoping now that the ball is kind of back in his court that I can relax while he's figuring stuff out. Sigh.

Am I being fair or am I asking too much?

I would love to hear from some other monos who have been in a similar situation.....
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  #15  
Old 04-20-2013, 08:22 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Elorahd View Post
So, can someone give me an idea of how easy or hard it might be for him to find other women interested in this specific situation? I'm just kind of curious and it also might help give me an expectation on how long we might have to do this alone before someone else is added to the mix.
You never know! My ex h and I found a woman who we stupidly thought would be our unicorn, almost as soon as we decided to open our relationship. She was part of a large circle of friends we had. However, she ended up only interested romantically in him, not me.

Years later, when he and I separated, I discovered the dating site ok cupid. I met my gf within 3 weeks of joining. I didn't expect us to get serious right away, but we just clicked like mad!

I kept dating, must've dated 30 men before I found my current bf. Took 3 years! We've now been together over a year. I've had a few other relationships lasting 6-9 months however. Nothing like a real love thing like I've got for miss pixi and Ginger though.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #16  
Old 04-20-2013, 08:44 PM
Elorahd Elorahd is offline
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Thank you so much, Magdlyn! It helps so much to hear your personal stories.
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  #17  
Old 04-20-2013, 08:57 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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I totally understand the whole limbo thing, it's scary! I honestly don't think that's why you've been getting the reactions you've been getting. I know you've said you are very self aware but no one is so self aware that they know how they are perceived by others all the time.

From my POV, your posts read as someone that is curious about this, as it may become relevant in your life, but flat out scared. Everything reads as being scared of being hurt. Granted, that's totally valid, no one really wants to be hurt in a relationship! The problem arises in how you express that fear. I've seen others make these comments to people putting up profiles on dating sites, I've even told some rather affronted people on OKC the same thing. If all you put out is the negativity, it's not only a turn off but will bring nothing but negativity.

What you might have gotten reactions to on here are those negative feelings and fears that are laced throughout your posts. For example:

If he called you by the wrong name your first reaction is a punch to the face. WHA?? First, let's flip genders, if a man said he would punch a woman in the face for calling him the wrong name he'd immediately be called out as abusive. Secondly, it calls to a gut reaction of fear. You don't want to be hurt so something as small as the wrong name would hurt you so much you'd want to punch someone.

You expressed that if he was having a hard time with another relationship you wouldn't want that ti infringe on YOUR time. That he'd have to deal with it on his own. Again that speaks to fear. It's not really any different than having a bad day at work, or a fight with a friend. Yet there's this fear there so that you don't want to deal with it, at all. I dont' know about you but I can't see compartmentalizing my life to the point of not thinking about or being emotionally compromised by anything at all BUT the person I am with.

I just think, that poly or not, casual, building, new, old, whatever kind of relationship this might turn out to be,(and really you both need to steer that ship together), YOU need to work on figuring out this fear and how to take hold of it because just putting out there all these things that 'better not happen' because you are afraid of them or being hurt by them isn't going to get anyone anywhere.
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  #18  
Old 04-20-2013, 09:42 PM
Elorahd Elorahd is offline
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All good points. I should probably clarify that the "Punch in the face" comment was exaggerated. I didn't mean that literally. It was more to convey how it would hurt me.
Fear? Lots and lots of it! Not only about this situation but the last relationship I was in was 10 yrs ago with the only man I've ever been in love with and he left me and I was devastated and it took me a very long time to get over. This is the ONLY guy I've been interested in since then. I've been consistently disappointed by people my entire life and I'm trying to find ways to keep that from happening again in major ways. (I know there will always be small disappointments). I'm a very sensitive person when it comes to relationships. I am hyper aware. This is my natural state. I think other people live with more muted senses. This allows me to read people fairly easily and quickly. I am able to process things quickly and make quick decisions. I know what I want and what I don't want. I am very self-aware in the sense that I know what I'm feeling and I can articulately express that to you. As far as other's perceptions of me, I have no idea. It's not usually something I focus on.
Some of the things I say might sound harsh or selfish. But that's only because I've been the opposite most of the rest of my life and that hasn't worked out so well. In past relationships I've tempered my opinions and bent over backwards for the other person.....which usually meant I got run over like a Mack truck and was utterly exhausted by it all. Now that I'm no longer look for a husband I'm thinking, "what the hell?" How about I just be who I am? Embrace my sensitivity, and communicate exactly what I'm going to need to feel secure in the relationship up front?
The more I think about this setup, the more it feels like it could really work for me right now. Because I won't have to be EVERYTHING to him. I can just be who I am and he can enjoy me for that, and if he needs something else that is not a part of me he can get it from somebody else! I'm down with that. No more backbends. My back can't take it anymore.
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  #19  
Old 04-20-2013, 09:51 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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I get being hyper aware. I have joked with DH about it myself. I grew up being responsible, overly so. My mother wasn't, I was. For everyone, for everything and the smallest change in her tone could mean the difference between tears and pain. I've had to learn that being hyper aware isnt' always a good thing! It means that a lot of times I am assuming that all the little details that I am noticing that I think no one else is, aren't what I think they are!

I've learned, am still working on, is asking for clarification. Just little things, like instead of thinking, 'crap he's pissed' about something I have to ask, 'it seems to me you are really upset. is there anything I can do?' Being hyper aware as a survival technique works, when you are in a crisis situation. Not so much otherwise. So the advice I offer is the same for everyone. Communicate communicate, communicate! Dont' assume anything, dont' think that you know anything just because you notice the small changes others take for granted. Ask, because it's actually not what you think most of the time and that conversation in your head you prepared for? That you played out several ways? Not actually going to happen that way.

Not that you will stop, it's been years, decades, and I still do it! Go over the conversations in my head, the situation, what will happen, even get worked up and teary sometimes thinking I know how it will happen. It's hard, finding the balance. When you've ended up the doormat for so long when you are trying to be nice, to being strong, being assertive but NOT aggressive. It's like a pendulum. You've swung in one direction for so long, trying to change that direction you end up going the other way, but too far. Settling in that middle ground will take time, be honest and communicate often and you can find it!
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  #20  
Old 04-20-2013, 10:22 PM
Elorahd Elorahd is offline
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Here's what would happen with my ex - I could sense a shift in his behavior. I knew something was wrong. I would ask him about it. He denied that anything was wrong. (Starting a nice little cycle of making me feel like I was crazy! Ugh.) This would go on for SIX WEEKS. Our relationship suffered and he never noticed. Meanwhile, I'm living in hell, not getting what I need and not able to do ANYTHING about it. And also being made to feel quite crazy. That was the worst part. I would continue to press about what was wrong. FINALLY it would come out. "I guess I've been feeling _____." Oh, really? And how long have you been feeling this way? "About six weeks or so." Aaarrrghh!! I know I can absolutely not do that again. I was miserable. I and our relationship were at an utter standstill and he was oblivious. But I am so glad to know there are other hypers out there like me!
So I have a question about communication because J and I have already had a little hiccup....about this very subject (poly). When we first reconnected and were hanging out, he was filling me in on the 10 yrs since we'd seen each other and his relationships and how he wanted to try something different than monogamy. I listened and asked questions and tried to be supportive and nonjudgmental while trying to give him a girl's view of things. The next time we hung out things got romantic and so I knew he was interested and we talked more about him dating multiple people. I was still listening and trying to be understanding.....and HIS need for this. At no time in the conversation did he include me in his intentions. At no time did he ask me how I would feel about being in a poly relationship with him. I felt detached from this particular topic.
It wasn't until I finally asked him outright if he was wanting to include me in this poly idea that the truth came out. He thought that's what we had been doing all along and that I was accepting of it. And that was not the case. (At that time). He became angry because he thought I misrepresented myself.....which I rather took offense to because that is NOT like me. The thing is, he is rather passive about communication. He doesn't like to be assertive or come right out and say things for fear of seeming too presumptuous or getting a reaction that would hurt his feelings. I've known plenty of people with this communication style but it usually takes a long time for the truth to come out and by the time it does, there's lots of misunderstanding and hurt feelings. So how do you deal with something like this in a poly situation where communication is so important?
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