I am bi. I am poly. I am going insane.
I have been like driftwood on the sea midst a hurricane and I have come to the point where I don't think I can handle this anymore.
I am in a steady relationship with a man. He and I have been together for 3 years and 2 years of it he has been gone for his job, coming home for short spells to see family. I love him and he want to take things further.
I have only barely come out to myself and my select friends as poly. Before a few months ago, I have been lead to believe that these thoughts and my feelings were dirty and merely an excuse to be a whore. Now I see that there is love in the relationships I cultivate, the people I genuinely connect to. I simply can't do anything about them.
Then there is him... Oh, this man is remarkable... Singer, actor, brilliant and perhaps a tad egotistical. Refreshingly enough, though he is the center of his own universe, he does not demand that he be the center of everyone else's universe. He speaks like a gentleman, walks like a statesman and drinks like the every-man. This is more than NRE speaking. I have shared and spoken with him as easily as I could with a friend I've known for years. He is poly, one of my guides on this journey through the vast unknown of Polyamory, and sadly, he loves me. Sadder still... I love him back.
My problem lies in that my boyfriend, the man who wants (or claims to want) a future with me, is oblivious to my orientations. Worse, to him there is no other alternative to "You and I" but "You and I? Never again".
Do I risk losing my love of roughly a year face to face- 3 chronologically- by telling him who I am and how I feel? What if he asks me to abandon my heart and be solely and completely his? What do I do?
Constant battles in my brain continuously bring up three options.
1: Tell him and risk the loss
2: Don't tell him and abandon a part of my heart
3: Kill yourself and do everyone a favor
How twisted am I that number 3 is slowly and carefully working its way up the list to option 1?
I don't know what to do...
~~From Tara with Love...~~
|challenges, choices, depression, dilemma|