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Old 04-17-2013, 07:09 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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Default How/Where to “Manifest” My Lover

I’m a 41 yr old bi woman, with my husband 15 years, no kids by choice. As documented in previous posts, I have always accepted that I am poly-wired, but I managed (at least, technically) monogamy with hubby until last summer, when I fell hard for another woman. My husband and I struggled with our new dynamic. Though he always knew about my sexuality, he had convinced himself that I put “all that” behind me. At one point we were on the verge of separation, but after lots of communication he finally started to understand my needs and accept my ability to love more than one person (as long as that person is female, anyway.)

Unfortunately, by the time hubby stopped freaking out, my female lover was no longer successfully hiding her narcissistic tendencies, blowing hot and cold, withholding when I expressed any boundaries or needs, saying one thing then behaving as if the opposite were true, keeping me on an emotional roller coaster. I was so stressed out, I had become an anxious, emotional wreck, and I sought medical help for depression. I broke up with the woman after five months, and have taken a few months since to process and heal. After much self-examination, I understand what I do and don’t want in a relationship with another woman. My husband and I have continued to communicate and engage, and my marriage feels stronger than ever before, but I really miss having a woman to be intimate with.

But I have no clue where to find women to date. I am very picky about women, always have been, and I imagine given how the last one treated my heart, I will be all the more cautious now. Before the narcissist, I hadn’t felt so strongly for anyone in decades, and I’m terrified that at my age, I’ll never feel that way again. I’ve tried OkCupid and BiCupid, but only the unpaid versions. I’ve scoured CraigsList, left my location and description in the “Dating & Friendship” section of this forum. I’m wary of hanging out at the local lesbian bar, as I’m not a lesbian, and I have always been attracted to and have more in common with bisexual women. I have a decent social life, and I’m “out” to most of my friends, but there’s just no one promising on my radar.

In desperation, I’ve been looking into the whole “manifesting” thing, and mostly it seems like bull, though I feel like some of the ideas might be useful if you combine it with actually “getting out there,” just to get your mind into a love-positive place, you know-- clear out your inner baggage, work on your self-esteem, decide what you do and don’t want and then stick to it, etc.. And, hey, it can’t hurt to ask the Universe for exactly what you want, right?

Distilled, my question is, now that I know what I want and need, where do I go to look for her? Does paying for the upgraded versions of OkCupid or BiCupid make any difference? Any other recommended dating sites? I’m in the U.S., I don’t live in a major city, and though I live in a gay-friendly community, there’s no poly socials to join, not even a swingers’ club. Also, out of curiosity, has anyone tried “manifesting” techniques to “summon” their lover, and if so, how, and what were the results? Thanks!
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Old 04-17-2013, 10:46 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Since i am a popular person to dislike around here, and as such i have nothing to lose, i'm gonna tell it to you straight-up:

You have "desperate" tattooed on your forehead. Get that thing removed and you will "manifest" a woman.... Er um well that looks funny in writing...

But now that i provided the yucky vitamins and bitter minerals for your diet, let someone else come along and dump butter, sugar, syrup and cream all over it.
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Old 04-17-2013, 11:11 PM
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jillybeane jillybeane is offline
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I don't have any useful advice for you, sorry.

But I have to ask- how is "manifesting" different from praying? It seems like The Universe and God are kind of interchangeable in that . . . faith? Practice? I don't even know what to call it.
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Old 04-18-2013, 12:15 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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I AM desperate, Boringguy, not in the sense that any woman will do, but I am so ready for the right woman in my life, But yes, I probably need to kick it down a notch and be cool.

As for Universe vs. God, manifesting vs. praying, I have no affinity for the Xtian god, so I personally never invoke him. The idea behind "manifesting" is that you do more than just ask, you're supposed to actually do things to make a place in your life for the person, i.e. make space in your closet for someone else's clothes if you want someone to live with you, etc.. Again, I know it's probably all bull, but it can't hurt.
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Old 04-18-2013, 11:14 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Have you had your partner and a close friend or two read and critique your OKC profile? You may not be sending the message you want to be sending, or leaving out important information. Are you messaging people too, or just hoping they will write to you?
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Old 04-18-2013, 11:19 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Do the things you love to do and quit worrying about Finding Someone.
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Old 04-18-2013, 11:40 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBunny View Post
Distilled, my question is, now that I know what I want and need, where do I go to look for her? Does paying for the upgraded versions of OkCupid or BiCupid make any difference? Any other recommended dating sites? I’m in the U.S., I don’t live in a major city, and though I live in a gay-friendly community, there’s no poly socials to join, not even a swingers’ club. Also, out of curiosity, has anyone tried “manifesting” techniques to “summon” their lover, and if so, how, and what were the results? Thanks!
That was a really long trip to get to "looking for love, how do I connect with people?"

Same answer as always... there is no good answer:
Dating sites
Craigslist
Meetup groups
etc.
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Old 04-19-2013, 12:28 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
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Quote:
"As for where to meet poly people, if by some chance you are interested in anything alternative like Renaissance fairs, goth culture, sci-fi conventions, indie music, bdsm, or any small fringe group, you will be more likely to meet people who have at least heard of poly and are accepting of it."
-- SpaceHippieGeek, http://polyamoryonline.org/smf/index...57394#msg57394
Even if it's not an "alternative" type group, if there's a club or something in your area that does something you're interested in, you can always join that group and it just gives you a way to get out there and meet people. If you meet someone on a platonic level and get to talking about poly, then they can decide how they feel about it without any "pressure to agree." Then if they do decide poly doesn't bother them too much, and some kind of romantic connection subsequently develops, you'll already have "had the poly conversation" with them.

Don't know if that helps?

I have no idea whether the paid/upgraded version of OKC is better than the free version. I had the free version and no luck with it. I suspect upgrading wouldn't have helped me, but I can't be sure.
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Old 04-19-2013, 06:41 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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I have most often had experiences opposite to "manifesting" love (or the potential). I seem to only find it when I am not looking for it. When I'm so focused on dating, finding someone, or whatever I lose track of myself. I start to feel down because I'm not finding what I'm looking for, and all of the sudden I'm not a person I'd want to be with, either. As soon as I chill out, just enjoy my life and put myself into positions where I can meet new people with no expectations - I am able to really connect with others and find new friends, lovers, and relationships.

When did you meet your husband? Were you out scouring the universe for a mate, or was it coincidence/fate/good fortune? Maybe whatever you were doing then can work for you again.
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Old 04-19-2013, 07:20 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
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Good point!
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