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  #11  
Old 04-18-2013, 07:57 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
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Great to hear from you Lilla, I'm sure your blog will be pretty cool as well.
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  #12  
Old 04-18-2013, 08:30 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is online now
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
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Hello and Welcome!

Quote:
Originally Posted by ThatLChap View Post
... started looking at whether being polyamorous would be something I'd want to explore, which ended up as us deciding to focus on what was now a vee, instead of introducing more people and complicating things (though I may still want to explore that in future).
I think this is a great idea. I read a poly post somewhere that suggested instituting a "waiting period" for adding new people to a poly configuration (6 mos, a year, whatever works for the people involved). Each person added adds a level of change and stress to the relationship(s) already in existence (directly or indirectly). Let the dynamic reach a stable integration, let the NRE play out BEFORE adding new tensions to the mix. It's not a race - this is your life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ThatLChap View Post
Lilla and I disagreed a couple of times about these boundaries, but she did stick to them, even if she thought I was being an idiot (I was).
I actually really, really liked this and think that it speaks well of her respect for your relationship with her. Sometimes people have temporary boundaries/requests that need to be respected until other stuff is worked out - even if it seems silly in retrospect.

In our case, there was a period of a few months where MrS wanted to be informed if Dude and I were going to be having sex. We all live together and he wanted to be able to avoid that area of the house, or "brace" himself if he might encounter sexual activity - he didn't want to be surprised. Dude was a little disgruntled at times, thought it spoiled the "mood" - things would be progressing nicely and I would pop up to go let MrS know that we would be utilizing the (library, bedroom, garage, back yard, whatever) for a bit. Once MrS was more secure/comfortable this request was officially rescinded. It was what he needed at the time...now he doesn't need it anymore.

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

JaneQ

PS. Let me add my name to the list of people who think that you are "doing it right" - this from someone whose MFM Vee started out on the "wrong" foot. We stopped, regrouped, healed and tried again - doing it "right" this time.
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #13  
Old 04-18-2013, 09:36 PM
ThatLChap ThatLChap is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
Hello and Welcome!



I think this is a great idea. I read a poly post somewhere that suggested instituting a "waiting period" for adding new people to a poly configuration (6 mos, a year, whatever works for the people involved). Each person added adds a level of change and stress to the relationship(s) already in existence (directly or indirectly). Let the dynamic reach a stable integration, let the NRE play out BEFORE adding new tensions to the mix. It's not a race - this is your life.



I actually really, really liked this and think that it speaks well of her respect for your relationship with her. Sometimes people have temporary boundaries/requests that need to be respected until other stuff is worked out - even if it seems silly in retrospect.

In our case, there was a period of a few months where MrS wanted to be informed if Dude and I were going to be having sex. We all live together and he wanted to be able to avoid that area of the house, or "brace" himself if he might encounter sexual activity - he didn't want to be surprised. Dude was a little disgruntled at times, thought it spoiled the "mood" - things would be progressing nicely and I would pop up to go let MrS know that we would be utilizing the (library, bedroom, garage, back yard, whatever) for a bit. Once MrS was more secure/comfortable this request was officially rescinded. It was what he needed at the time...now he doesn't need it anymore.

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

JaneQ

PS. Let me add my name to the list of people who think that you are "doing it right" - this from someone whose MFM Vee started out on the "wrong" foot. We stopped, regrouped, healed and tried again - doing it "right" this time.
First off, let me say that I'm very pleasantly surprised by how positive the response to our posts has been. I knew the poly community was welcoming and friendly, but I didn't think it would be by this much, so thank you guys .

I think it'll be at least 6 months or so before I start looking at whether I want to introduce someone else; I'm moving in with Lilla in a couple of months, so there'll be a whole new dynamic to consider. TG is aware of this, and has talked to Lilla about things like who stays with who on certain nights, and whether he can sleep with her when I'm living there, which I'm entirely happy for him to do. After all, I'll be there almost constantly, so it's fair to let him have Lilla for a night when he visits, and if we were all at his for a few days at a time, I'm sure he'd do the same for me.

As far as intimacy goes, that was one of the last boundaries to be dropped, especially if all 3 of us were in the same house for a couple of days. At first none of us did anything with the other, but that's been relaxed now (both me and TG like to tease Lilla, so the sexual tension was getting a bit much). Obviously, if we're all staying together, Lilla prefers not to go straight from one of us to the other when it comes to sex, purely to avoid too much overlap. We also respect each other's boundaries and privacy, so hopefully we can avoid any situations like one of us walking in on the other.
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