Need advice on poly? I'm new to this.
I'd like to start off by saying I apologize in advance for this potentially long wall of text. I have a lot to say, a lot of questions, and a lot of worries.
My fiancee and I are long distance - he lives a state away from me, with his ex (our girlfriend, now) and his 2 children by her and her family. Naturally, this has always been a precarious situation even when we were monogamous together.
However, things happened and when he threw out the suggestion during idle conversation, I took the bate. I'm an open minded young woman, and apt to pleasing my fiancee. I adore him, and love him. He's..my soul-mate, silly enough.
That being said, I was apprehensive over the idea as a whole because I am a very...jealous person. Not so much now that I'm older, but I -am- paranoid.
Though I gave it 1 whole week to consider all the angles and details of it, and spoke about it with him (he's only really ever been in poly relationships) and he answered any questions I had. Of course I said yes, and now we're not very long into our new 'poly' relationship now. Maybe 5 days? It feels a lot longer. I had a lot of issues the beginning days, and managed to irradicate most of them in 5 days, proving I'm more than capable of doing this..
However It's very hard. I cannot see him yet, (We'll be moving in with one another in a few months) and it's difficult to see him and our girlfriend kiss, hug, touch, sexual things etc..while I sit there at a computer, useless to join. It makes me feel like the third wheel, honestly, even though I know I'm not - as he's told me multiple times. Surely this makes the situation that much more difficult, right?
Furthermore, I'm deathly afraid of him losing interest in me and gaining interest in her - after everything I've put in and all the effort..
How do I stop feeling that way? Deep down I know he'd never do that to me, I know he wouldn't leave me..or lose interest - but I'm so scared. I'm scared he'll fall deeper in love with her (again) than he is with me. How do I stop feeling this way?
I have set 2 rules..I hope this community understands the primace of them, he doesn't like the, though. These are temporary, of course.
1. No sex with her until I move in with them. I'm a virgin, and it's important to me to be the first one he makes love to in the X amount of time we've been together, and besides that, it just..means something to me. It's a lot to ask, but shes fine by it. He has an issue however. But, in my defense once more she's been able to have 2 children with him, and sleep alone in the same bed with him for years and years and have sex with him solo for years..and years.
2. When we are living together, I'd like to have more opportunity to sleep alone and be alone with him. He and I will be getting married, and I feel like at least temporarily I should have this privilege.
I'd do anything for him - and even thinks out of my comfort zone I'd do even if I wasnt comfortable. I just want to make him happy. Always. With every move I make. I feel as though, however, he wants me to be instantaneously comfortable with this, and not have insecurities at all. I hate disappointing him, and making him not proud of me, so I just feelwhat I'm saying yes to and approving isnt good enough. It isnt to be a nazi-bitch, it's..It's just to make things go smoother so I don't say yes then bawl crying 5 seconds later.
My fiancee and I are on skype 24/7 save for smoking breaks, and bathroom breaks and random errands. Always on cam, always together.
We sleep on Skype as well lately, all 3 of us..and do..do..'things' that aren't out of my comfort zone. I'm still building myself up to being okay with seeing..certain mouth related things. (wink wink)
I have no issue at all with our girlfriend, (his ex). She's lovely, and pretty, and funny and caring. Her and I are quite fond of one another, which is good.
I'm just so severely jealous of what she gets to do with him right now, while I sit in my desk chair sulking.
So, with all that being said..I need advice on it, or helpful hints on what I seem to be missing or whatever.
I really really REALLY want this to work out, and I love my fiancee with all my heart and would love to have a big family with him, his kids, and our now mutual girlfriend. The idea bothered me a bit at first but now..now I'm just excited..but I can't get past my hangups, and periodically he just doesn't seem to understand how difficult it is to be over the computer while they watch. He's beginning to find my questions of my insecurities to sate them - rather annoying, and I do have the insistent desire to be his favorite. Is that wrong? To want to be the favorite or the 'alpha'.
Thank you, thank you, please help <3