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  #1621  
Old 04-14-2013, 07:29 PM
Delphinius Delphinius is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I feel as if the poly I am is based entirely on my insecurity, need to belong, fear and hoarding of partners in order to maintain my fucked up mentally unhealthy tower of impending doom that might fall with one person walking away simply to carry on with their lives. How's that for being fucked up.

At least I admit it.

Thing is I love my partners with all my heart and when I sort this shit of tangled strings of thought in my head, then what? Complete freedom from care? Will I let go for always? Will that lead to a change so vast I won't have a need to have them in my life and want to be alone? What kind of gift to them would it be if they lovingly stick by me through the work I have to do only for me to possibly leave at the end of it? Its thoughts like these that hold me back from doing the work I need to do in its entirety.

One of my previous bff's (who ironically is no longer due to her not agreeing with my poly lifestyle) once said she chooses to be with someone but does not need to be with someone.

Wishes of happiness and health to you; Your writing is very helpful & inspriational.

Last edited by Delphinius; 04-14-2013 at 11:51 PM.
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  #1622  
Old 04-15-2013, 11:52 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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One of my previous bff's (who ironically is no longer due to her not agreeing with my poly lifestyle) once said she chooses to be with someone but does not need to be with someone.

Wishes of happiness and health to you; Your writing is very helpful & inspriational.
Yes. Very good point. Thanks for pointing that out.
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  #1623  
Old 04-16-2013, 03:51 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I had the same thought as Delphinius. Your partners seem like good people. As such, I'm sure they much prefer that you be with because of want, and not because of need. Like, if you were financially indebted to them, I'm sure they'd rather that you free yourself of that debt and then stay or go because of your genuine desire and love for them, not because you're tied to them. Why should it be different because the need is psychological, rather than monetary? Love and devotion ought to be given freely.

What makes you think that you won't want your partners any more once you're free of needing them? Do you think that being psychologically healthy means you will no longer want love, sex, companionship? Sure doesn't seem to work that way for most people!
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  #1624  
Old 04-16-2013, 07:54 PM
Outsider Outsider is offline
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I'm no expert, I don't even play one on TV ...... but I did have a couple of thoughts

I don't think you have to fear becoming free from care. It's easy not to burn grey matter about things you don't care about ....... No question that it's difficult to not get carried away when you (not you specifically -- the collective you ) care deeply about something ---- but the balance will never be you free from care. This is a long blog, and you are an articulate writer who has shared a wonderful story with us and helpful advise and comments for many. I'd be surprised if any work you did produced a mind space where you were healthy with yourself .... and the bonus was freedom from care. That's not spicy at all -- blandpepper just wouldn't fit.

Might you find yourself in a position where you may have to take the advice of Dr.Suss " Don't cry because it's over -- Smile because it happened" Unfortunately maybe yes ...... but there is a lot of good stuff in here to be happy about because it happened.

As far as what sort of a gift would it be for those who Lovingly stood by you while you did your work ... only to have you leave? These people didn't support you just to make sure you would never leave .... they stood by you with the hope that you would be happy. They're all smart and loving people .... how would they feel if you were only there out of obligation ?

Thanks sincerely for sharing.
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  #1625  
Old 04-16-2013, 09:08 PM
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Thanks for the posts. For some reason I got it into my head that relationships fill needs when of course they can just be wonderful and not need to. Of course I will want to have my loves in my life. What was I thinking. Change does not mean end after all.
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  #1626  
Old 04-25-2013, 12:03 AM
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I'm taking the night off tonight to take LB to the IMAX movie Butterflies. I here its good and he is really looking forward to it. I have been busy with a new number and a new show coming up this Friday and he hasn't had much mumma time. He's turning ten next month and I feel his interest in mumma time slipping a bit. So I am really looking forward to our mumma and boy date.

I had a party this weekend for my brother. He just finished his PHD and he came to visit from a neighboring city. He didn't bring his gf which was really nice. She's a nice woman but the two of them are so co-dependent and it kind of means that I don't get any time with my bro at all when she is around. I was glad to hog him and show him a good time.

Ken came to the party with his now ex-girlfriend and my co-worker. Her and I have been getting along like we used to since they broke up. I am glad to have my friend back. The two of them didn't have enough in common to stay together so they decided to break up. According to her. I haven't had a chance to talk to him since as I have been busy with the show, but I have asked if I can take him for dinner to thank him for helping me out with lending me space in the apartment building he manages. He is also going to work on my van soon so I can start going to out door music fests in it. So excited!

I am planning to work on getting my bike licence after this show. I have the book and just need to read it, pass the exam and then do the road test. Then to by a bike. I saw a woman yesterday on one when I pulled up to a light beside her. She was obviously on top of the world about being out in the sun and free. She reminded me of a female Mono It made me happy and all the more inspired. For now Ken has offered to take me on his when he and Mono go for rides.

I have been talking a bit with my high school sweetheart. He has a woman in his life that he flirts with and meets in random cities. They are both CEO's in similar circles and understand each other in a way I don't understand. I am happy for him and happy to talk to him when he gets a chance and needs an ear. I think that is become my role for now in his life and I like it. It makes me feel good to help someone out that might not otherwise get the help due to circumstance and public image. Besides, I still love him a whole lot and have a connection due to our history.

Off to get the boy and go to a movie. Its a good day.
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  #1627  
Old 04-27-2013, 10:29 PM
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Well, life's a bitch ain't it? Everything changes in one day when you have four partners. Really, could anything get more challenging? I have learned that the only place to turn is inward. Walk through all of it and hold myself closely. My boy helps. He is a steady and constant. Until he turns 13 and then even he will be unpredictable.

Man I want to be off this roller coaster some days. I just want some nice partner that wants to be with me and me only and who I want the same with and settle into mono lala land for ever n ever. Poly sucks ass, mono is better.

Spending the day in bed to recap, reinvent my brain, cry it all out and put on my big girl panties so that I can walk in the world as a lone rider with four partners. I seriously don't know how you poly people do this. How have I been doing it? I feel no connection to anyone right now and wonder why I am bothering. I did when I was mono. Yet on it goes.... on it goes. On it goes.

Rant over.
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  #1628  
Old 04-27-2013, 10:33 PM
monkeystyle monkeystyle is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Well, life's a bitch ain't it? Everything changes in one day when you have four partners. Really, could anything get more challenging? I have learned that the only place to turn is inward. Walk through all of it and hold myself closely. My boy helps. He is a steady and constant. Until he turns 13 and then even he will be unpredictable. Man I want to be off this roller coaster some days. I just want some nice partner that wants to be with me and me only and who I want the same with and settle into mono lala land for ever n ever. Poly sucks ass, mono is better.

Spending the day in bed to recap, reinvent my brain, cry it all out and put on my big girl panties so that I can walk in the world as a lone rider with four partners. I seriously don't know how you poly people do this. How have I been doing it? I feel no connection to anyone right now and wonder why I am bothering. I did when I was mono. Yet on it goes.... on it goes. On it goes.

Rant over.

You seem to have a lot of these moments lately, then you regroup and recharge. Are you past your limitations of quantity to be consistently satisfied without needing to have these negative feelings?

Or is this just a blog rant that's quickly dismissed once you're back to being satisfied? I ask that out of curiosity of the emotional roller coaster posts you've been putting out there in recent times - which are very, very different from when this blog started.
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  #1629  
Old 04-27-2013, 11:16 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Man I want to be off this roller coaster some days. I just want some nice partner that wants to be with me and me only
But the Ferris Wheel gets old and you get tired of seeing the same view over and over... Both rides have their ups and downs.

Try the bumper cars some time.
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  #1630  
Old 04-28-2013, 01:06 AM
monkeystyle monkeystyle is offline
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But the Ferris Wheel gets old and you get tired of seeing the same view over and over... Both rides have their ups and downs.

Try the bumper cars some time.
I don't know, eventually a nice Ferris wheel keeps looking attractive once you've barfed enough on the other rides. Ya get tired of some adventures that take too many of your conscious thoughts and start wanting to have others that aren't so negatively taxing.

Explorers don't always climb mountains, sometimes they walk around them to get to their destination.
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