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  #11  
Old 04-16-2013, 01:43 AM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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I won't pretend to know a lot about D/s relationships, but even from the small bit I have learned, a Dom does not get to break boundaries and make unilateral decisions on such important information!

You are totally upset and well within your rights to be. Be upset, vent. Don't make a decision until you can think straight and whether because of alcohol or anger, that's not now. Whatever decision you come to, get out now or try and work it out, you will need to think straight. You will also need to tell him he screwed up, how badly and that whatever way this turns out, THAT he can't fix and can only understand and apologize and try to earn your trust back.
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  #12  
Old 04-16-2013, 01:55 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I am not well versed in D/S relationships, but this certainly does not read like anything I have ever encountered. Is there anyway you can step away and spend some time alone with your thoughts? I know you are angry, hurting, and probably ready to choke somebody. All within reason. It is disrespectful on many different levels, so I would not blame you a bit if you chose to leave.
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  #13  
Old 04-16-2013, 02:09 AM
lizzygirl2412 lizzygirl2412 is offline
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Thank you everyone
Yes there is time where I have alone time, this week I go on the road by myself on wednesday. For now I will stew in my Jose' and hope that I dont make my mind my worst enemy. We were solid, I just wish I knew what I did wrong...
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  #14  
Old 04-16-2013, 02:27 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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You did nothing wrong. You could have been his idea of a goddess and sheer perfection, and he probably would have still been looking for something more. He was wrong. He took away your choice and abused his power as a dom. Why does anyone cheat? Age old question that has no definitive answer. I know Jose may seem like your friend, but Jose is just a band-aid. I hope you are being careful. The last thing you want to do is something you may regret because you are not thinking clearly. Sending hugs your way.
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  #15  
Old 04-16-2013, 02:29 AM
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hyperskeptic hyperskeptic is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lizzygirl2412 View Post
Thank you everyone
Yes there is time where I have alone time, this week I go on the road by myself on wednesday. For now I will stew in my Jose' and hope that I dont make my mind my worst enemy. We were solid, I just wish I knew what I did wrong...
Why assume you have done something wrong?

Also - and I really don't want to pry into your way of coping with trauma - but I wonder if it would be easier for you to get some perspective on all this if you were to stop drinking, get some rest, and take care of yourself, a little.

I mean, I can see the desire to blunt the first wave of pain and anger, but once that's passed, you'll need your wits about you so you can think more clearly about what you need to do on your own behalf.
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  #16  
Old 04-16-2013, 03:31 AM
lizzygirl2412 lizzygirl2412 is offline
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Thank you everyone for your support, I am heading to bed now!!
Sweet Dreams!!
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  #17  
Old 04-16-2013, 03:52 AM
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nancyfore nancyfore is offline
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Big hugs Lizzy....

I wouldn't tolerate that behavior.. Cheating isn't an open relationship nor is it poly..I wouldn't teach her anything.. and if they are so close why doesn't she already know the in's and out's of his likes and dislikes? I also wouldn't have her be the queen of anything but the back door as I kicked her out of it.

You did nothing wrong...

You certainly do need some time to think (and plan) but even if you stay with him, there is no way your going to be able to trust much of anything either one of them do in the future.
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  #18  
Old 04-16-2013, 04:37 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Wow, what an entitled ass. He has your permission to work with you on finding a third partner, and yet he cheats -- in an ongoing, long-term way, it sounds like -- and then expects you to just accept that you've been living a lie and tries to give you no choice in who to share your heart and your body with. That's just sick. You shouldn't stand for it, no two ways about it.

If nothing else, there's this -- by cheating, he opened you up to STI risk that you knew nothing about. In an open, honest relationship, you could have assessed what you were comfortable with in light of who else she might be with her or might have been with in the past, what her testing status is, etc. Instead, he took your control over your own health out of your hands without your knowledge. Again... just sick.

Maybe pack a few bags and stay with a relative or friend for a minimum of a week, while you decide whether there's anything to salvage here, or whether it's time for you to move on.
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  #19  
Old 04-16-2013, 04:40 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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This is terrible!

Quote:
Actually, you don't need to accept this situation or forgive him at all. You can kick him out, change the locks, and file divorce papers.

And then you can find a Dom who will treat you with love and respect.
I cannot say it better than Meera.

Your spouse cheated and wants to use the D/s dynamic to just make it ok? No... not ethical, dude. Not ethical poly, not ethical D/s. Just cheating crap.

A dom only GETS to be a dom to the sub because of the sub's desire/wishes and consent. You both play in the D/s framework you both co-create. Unless you signed up for this treatment (and your response indicates you did NOT) he's crossing lines. If he cannot control himself how can he hope to control you in a good D/s dynamic?

Could call shenanigans and just end it. You don't need this. Say no thanks, not participating! Not good for my health! Do what you gotta -- change locks, get std testing, get counseling -- do your self care you decide you need to heal YOU.

Hang in there!

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Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-16-2013 at 04:44 AM.
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  #20  
Old 04-16-2013, 07:22 AM
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NutBusterX NutBusterX is offline
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Wow....

Long term deception, cowardice, manipulation, lies, total abuse of your trust, disregard for the love you've shown him.

Any asshole can force someone into a cage and treat them poorly. That is hardly Mastery and it is definitely not poly.

I am ordinarily an advocate of working things through, but this is bullshit. If you were my rl friend, my daughter, my sister, my neighbor, i'd strongly urge you to get the hell out of this toxic situation. This is deliberate and definite lying and utterly makes me sick.

This is sociopathic and self-serving abuse of power. I'm sorry you are in this situation.

K is way out of line and nobody deserves this kind of treatment. I'm at a total loss for anything positive to say.

50% of the income is provided by you and there are no kids at home? If that is the case, cut your losses. Buy a plane ticket and change scenery.

Big hugs.

Jim
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