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  #81  
Old 04-12-2013, 11:15 PM
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That sounds pretty good to me. Heh, I should be one to preach about worry, I am a classic worry-wart (and a ruthless self-critic to boot). Enjoying the moment is almost something you have to do deliberately, it doesn't just come naturally. Kind of like that scene in "Empire Strikes Back" where Yoda sternly instructed Luke to clear his mind of all his questions. It's almost like a meditation thing (and I'm no good at meditation either).

I imagine things will probably be scary for awhile (in the wake of all the drama), and I can't promise there won't be any more concussions. Just hopefully they won't quite be as severe as the big one.

For what it's worth, I think you have a good prognosis for the road ahead. Maybe some of that ice will thaw and the road will get more secure.
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  #82  
Old 04-13-2013, 07:17 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I am back in the UK. What is the first thing I hear when I step into the car? There was an overshot or sort of plane crash in Denpasar. In some bizarre turn of events, the pilot ended up landing on water as opposed to the runway. Fortunately, the passengers and crew escaped with minor injuries. This was mere hours after we all left. Our flight to Changi left a bit after 9. This happened around 3 or so. I cannot imagine how daunting that was. They landed on the water and avoided major damage. From what I have read, the airline acquired the jet on 28 March. I am happy that everyone is okay. Shaken up but alive.

I am heading home. I have not seen my little duckies since Wednesday night before I left. Hubby and I have a date night. I slept most of the 13 hours, so I am actually quite full of energy. I am curious as to what the night holds.

Si and I were on different flights and with different airlines. Our first flight was the same. She returned with Virgin. It is due to arrive sometime soon. I flew back on Singapore Airlines. We have to take it day by day. I cannot even say what will happen in two hours. I am happy that we talked and eased the tension. When it is all said and done, we will be okay. Even if I we choose not to be romantically involved again, she will always be important to me. She understands that I am working on myself and rebuilding again. I did not sense any anger from her. There was compassion. I am hopeful. We have to get back into the swing of talking again and initiating conversations. I cannot say it will be an every day thing, but checking in to say, "Hey. I am okay and alive," would be nice. It is going to take a bit of patience and commitment. We are working on our friendship right now. If we are meant to be, then no amount of time should matter.

All in all, we are all learning things. I am not pushing Matt and Si to talk. It will happen when it will happen. We are working on different things, but all the pieces will fit together. I am trying to remain positive. It is much easier to breathe now that the tension is less from multiple angles. Matt has hard limits. Si has limits. I am figuring out my limits. No need to rush. We are going to take our time and get it right.

I am almost home, and I cannot wait to hug my little duckies and see just how much damage Matt has let them do. I am excited to do the bedtime rituals with my little duckies. I missed them quite terribly.


-Ry

Last edited by FullofLove1052; 04-13-2013 at 09:18 PM.
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  #83  
Old 04-13-2013, 07:30 PM
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Glad you made it home safe and sound. Scary about that other plane and the emergency water landing. Those people are dang lucky to be alive and mostly unharmed. Planes are no joke, when they crash, it's just grim.

Hope those various relationship dynamics continue to improve by bits and bytes.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #84  
Old 04-15-2013, 01:44 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I cannot sleep, so what am I doing? Planning a family holiday to Disney World. The little duckie is adamant about going to Disney World. We went to Disney World last year, but I love when my children are happy. We also went to Universal Studios, Islands of Adventure, Sea World, etc. (Out of all the parks, I remember Universal and Sea World the most. The Jurassic Park ride was pretty awesome in IoA.) Our holiday coincided with my birthday, so that was how I brought in my birthday. Disney's Fantasyland was being expanded, and it was due to open in December or so. My daughter was positively over the moon when we met Mickey and Minnie. We took pictures with them and got hugs. Let's just say they made awesome family pictures. Disney is great for nostalgia, but it is bloody compact and tight. We were in line for the longest time to ride "It's A Small World." I remember that from my first trip to Disney World many, many, many moons ago. I do like that the parks have adopted the FastPass thingy or whatever each park calls it, where you get a printout that tells you what time to return. Brilliant idea.

I need to talk to Matt to see how he feels about Si going, and I need to talk to her as well. The last thing I want is for anyone to be uncomfortable and tense on a holiday. Ideally, I know my daughter would love for them to both go, but if it is not an option, I hope she understands. We will see. We still have a bit of time before the trip, and things might change a little bit more before then.

Back to holiday planning.


-Ry

Last edited by FullofLove1052; 04-15-2013 at 02:07 AM.
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  #85  
Old 04-15-2013, 08:07 PM
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I hope it goes well, and makes for a wonderful trip. I know the kids will love it.
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  #86  
Old 04-15-2013, 10:09 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I am drifting further and further away from poly. I have no idea what is wrong with me these days. I read the way other people talk about poly, and that is just not me now. I do not have this emptiness or urge to have something different. I do not feel like anything is missing. I do not have a sex drive that cannot be handled by one person. (It is high. I mean 10 big O's is my idea of a warm up.) Seriously, WTF is wrong with me?

This is much deeper than my entire world being shaken to its core and my life having no semblance of what it used to be. Why do the past 17+ years not matter now? Why are my fundamental beliefs completely different? Why do I not feel some overwhelming desire to stick to my "beliefs?" I look at people, and it is like, "Should I feel attracted to them, or like I want to get to know them on anything more than a friendship level?" Well, I do not. I am not looking for anyone. I do not want to and have zero plans to do so. I am not even sure I want to be in more than one relationship again.

I find myself feeling the utmost empathy for the mono partners in these poly/mono relationships. I find myself wondering if I treated Matt how some of their husbands/wives/boyfriends/girlfriends have treated them. In what alternate universe is it ever okay to tell someone to "get a hobby" to fill the void of you wanting to go fuck someone else and take time away from you and your relationship? In essence that was what Matt was told. He took up a hobby on my date nights. He was so accustomed to having pieces of me that he cannot even adjust to having me around all the time now. Welcome to my new normal. We can be in the same room and never say a word to each other. I am like a mirage to him. What a great feeling! Not.

I realise why I feel so selfish now. "You have to suck it up and be okay with me opening my heart, my life, and my legs to another person while you are sitting at home with our children or occupying the time with a useless hobby." Or even better. "You have to sleep alone because I want to be in two relationships, and I cannot treat her like a booty call or a part-time relationship." "There is nothing wrong with you. I just have all this love, and I want to share it with the world, so you can either deal with it or drop the mic and exit the stage on the left." "You have to be understanding of me wanting to say forget my vows and let me do me." Whether I said these things directly or implied them, looking back, they sound like shit and make me feel like shit. It is no wonder that I am not sure if I want to return to my old ways.

I finally realise just how unfair it is. A month and some days later and I am struggling to see any benefits. Yes, I was able to love who I wanted to. Yes, I was able to have my cake and eat it, too. Yes, I was able to have co-primaries, co-parents, and blah blah blah. What do I have now? An ex-girlfriend, missing trust, an uncomfortable husband, and I have no idea what or who I am anymore.

It was unfair to Si as well. I had to split my time between home and her place, but after I had children, that stopped. I made sure I was at home every night because I wanted my children to have stability. Plus, I wanted to be home with them. She does not believe in marriage, so that was not an issue. I do not believe in hierarchy exactly, but clearly, Matt and I had different ideas. She slipped into the role of a co-primary, and I forgot one thing. To actually see how my husband felt about that. Honey, I am paying the price now or what?!

Yes, you could say it was communication problems. Not so much the talking part, but the listening part on my end. I tuned him out. I admit that. I downplayed his concerns every time they were presented. "Oh, she is not that involved, or you are just blowing it out of proportion." That was wrong of me. I hope that he can forgive me one day. Communication was not the only problem. I forgot common courtesy and that he had feelings and needs just like she did. I forgot that the two relationships should have been separate. I pushed and all but demanded an interdependent model without consulting with him. I am amazed that it took him this long to explode. What a mess I made. I cannot even blame Matt because he came to me on several occasions, asked to renegotiate things, and did everything I should have done but was too wrapped up to do. What a mess.
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  #87  
Old 04-15-2013, 10:11 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I wanted to address this separately.

Sending my deepest thoughts and prayers out to the families of those affected by the bombings in Boston. What a sad thing, and to think that innocent lives were lost. I am watching it unfold.
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  #88  
Old 04-15-2013, 10:28 PM
pascaleledumbo pascaleledumbo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
I wanted to address this separately.

Sending my deepest thoughts and prayers out to the families of those affected by the bombings in Boston. What a sad thing, and to think that innocent lives were lost. I am watching it unfold.
Woke up in the morning and that's the first news that greeted me..It is a sad thing isn't it..Makes me questioned the existence of humanity..

I would also like to say THANK YOU FoL, for sharing your life with us..I don't know how to put it properly, but it has been an enlightenment as well for me (am sure others too)..You have helped, through your sharing, to see things from different light with my own messed up situation..

I usually lurk in this forum..But I'm initiating my first post ever in this forum to say thank you to you..

Hope things are going better and better on your end..Best of luck with everything..Don't stop writing..
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  #89  
Old 04-15-2013, 11:25 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
In what alternate universe is it ever okay to tell someone to "get a hobby" to fill the void of you wanting to go fuck someone else and take time away from you and your relationship? In essence that was what Matt was told. He took up a hobby on my date nights. He was so accustomed to having pieces of me that he cannot even adjust to having me around all the time now.
I speak from experience, even in a mono marriage, to isolate yourself from friends and the things you love to do (useless or not) is NOT healthy either. I spent years doing this, not because my husband demanded it, but I was under the impression that we needed to have joint friends and joint activities if I was to be a supportive wife. I was miserable and it took me years to figure out why.

I find it very interesting that many of the complaints I see from mono partners virtually echo some of the same things I have said to my husband when he was overly involved with his activities/hobbies. These problems are not just isolated to the poly community. Now that I do have hobbies that take me away from my family, I have to pay careful attention that I don't let myself go overboard. Sometimes, I just have to force myself to not accept every invitation I get, because while it would be very fun, it's not fair to my husband or my kids. Checking in with each other is extremely important.

Before marriage counceling, when I would mention that my husband was "too busy", he would tune me out. Eventually, it would quickly deteriorate into a fight where I would say that I hated the organization and his involvement in it, because... His knee jerk response was always "Well, I'll just resign from everything..." Of course that wasn't what I wanted, but I could never get through his head that I just needed a better balance not extreme whip lash inducing shifts. However, while trying to repair something that's broken, sometimes things have to shift from one extreme to the other for a while before you can figure out where that balance lies.

Ask yourself, are the problems solely because you wanted to get fucked by someone else or was it because in pursuit of that, you were neglecting and ignoring Matt's needs? I don't advocate poly over mono or vice versa. I do find it interesting that MANY of the problems that are brought up on these boards (especially with poly/mono relationships) tend to stem from deeper issues that poly just magnified and allowed the mono partner a target to focus on.

Don't get discouraged, keep working and remember 3 steps forward and 2 steps back is still 1 step forward.
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  #90  
Old 04-16-2013, 12:32 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I have high days, and then, I have low days. The low days are those points of realisation. The high days are the happy days.

My low of now is trying to figure out what exactly did I have to compromise or give up. The imbalance is all too obvious. He gave up his beliefs in monogamy. He gave up his idea of what a marriage meant to him. He gave up this and that. And what did I give up? Drawing a blank. I had the world, and I am finding that I did not need it.

We have mutual friends and hobbies, but that was never an issue. We always had time to ourselves and always did things separately. He is heavily into sports. Not my thing. I am more into the arts, so if I was attending Cirque de Soleil, he was doing his thing elsewhere. Sometimes we would meet for dinner with friends, or it would turn into ladies/guys nights. I must admit that it feels kind of awkward sitting at home now. It feels like he cut me out of his life, and there are these parts that I was not and am not part of due to my other relationship. Checking in did nothing for this feeling. I was aware that he was doing something with his time. I do not expect him to stop doing those things now that I have re-inserted myself into his life full-time. Could I take up a hobby or something to fill that time? There is nothing I care to do. These days I like being at home, but I feel distant from him because he has not let his guard down. He is treating our marriage like it is still a polyamorous arrangement. The sleeping apart, the nights apart, the quiet time when we are in the same room, and everything. Poly in a time wise sense at least. He is afraid to get too close to me, and that is a great feeling. He does not trust me with his heart. Even better feeling. Let me tell you. I sure made a mess of things.

When I look at our issues, I have to admit that poly played a massive part. Prior to all of this, we never had knock down drag out arguments or went to bed mad. We talked like civilised human beings. We were able to convey things without yelling and in a respectful manner. Then, my other relationship started overshadowing our marriage, and that went out the window. That was around the time the displacement started happening. It was gradual. That was probably when he came to me the first time or ten, and I downplayed his concerns. Every single time I did that, I would imagine that the resentment kept growing and growing. He reached a point where he buried it and stopped letting it eat away at him. It blew up this year when he reached his breaking point. A series of events triggered it. Everything came out. When i finally heard him in counselling that second time, he described a hell filled situation. Everything from being displaced to not feeling important or needed to feeling like a sperm donor to our children. That cut like a thousand knives. He said he felt like that because his opinions regarding our children stopped being heard by us, and he felt like the sperm donor to a lesbian couple who always wanted children. That seriously made me feel like the worst person ever. That is like me being their mother and feeling like I have no say because Matt and Si are making all the decisions. I would feel undermined, and that is exactly how he has been feeling.

I have to admit that we might have had issues, but I doubt that they would be anything like this. I am trying to take it day by day, but it is a challenge on all different fronts. I am beyond discouraged and even disappointed. My "cons" list for my poly journey is steadily growing. My "pros" list ended ages ago. I am still digging.


-Ry
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anger management, bisexual female, blame, break-ups, breaking up, changing loyalties, children, co-parenting, competition, coupledom, demanding partners, divorce, forgiveness, from poly to mono, healing, making excuses, married and polyamorous, poly co-parenting, poly to mono, primary/secondary, therapy, triad fallout, trust, vee dynamics, vee vs. triad

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