Originally Posted by GalaGirl
Make the call. Not a FUN all to make, but this is not healthy for anyone like this.
Thank you GalaGirl. So much. I get it...there is a choice to be made here. It is incredibly difficult to be in a state of doubt about my intuition in general...and make a decision.
To answer your question...what i want is to have some peace. I see how we could work things out through compromise and boundary setting...but my wife refuses to participate in conversation that nurtures this. I am hearing that she doesn't want to be poly, and i am willing to respect that. I surrender to the fact that being poly, i mustn't know what it's like for someone who is mono. I am willing to try to understand...in order to honour the commitment to my marriage. It doesn't appear that my wife is willing to try and understand me...at least at this time.
So, i don't really feel that i have a choice at this time. Perhaps the 4th option that you provided has already happened. However, i don't see that as a product of personal flaw...but as a failure of the institute of marriage...because time spent trying to work things out is at the core of my commitment...at least what i thought was at the core of my commitment...to my marriage.
And this is my central pondering point at the moment. Completely reflecting on the cultural meme of marriage...and realising how deeply seeded it is in our psyche. When i asked my wife yesterday why she thought we got married...her quick response was "because i have been bred to want a perfect husband that truly loves just me"...which was preceded by "women have been bred that way for 1000s of years". I get that...i have degrees in Anthro and Sociology. I also get that men normally yell and scream and punch to get what they want or they just take it forcefully...they have been doing that for 1000s of years...however i don't believe this inheritance is worthy of our future. We can repattern our world. We can make it anything we want. We don't have to be slaves of our past. These are my core beliefs...and perhaps my wife doesn't share them. I see this as an interesting thing to talk about for the rest of our life together...she sees it as horrible conflict.
Maybe the choice has been made by something greater than all of us.