Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 04-15-2013, 10:04 PM
Blu Blu is offline
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 16
Default Unbalanced?

So a few weeks ago, my bf (F) brought his other girlfriend (H) over to our house. I knew that H was attracted to me, and being a heterosexual male, F was really excited to see us both together. We had fun, nothing serious like sex, then went out to dinner together. It was nice.

About a two weeks ago we all got together again and had more fun.

So far I like this triad, but I have a few concerns.
-I am not so much bisexual as heteroflexible; i.e. I am willing to be with a woman, and I really like H, but I don't really feel sexual attraction.
-I do feel romantically attracted to H, but I worry I might be leading her on or something.
-F is uncomfortable with me being with another guy - we talked it out, and I chose to stay monogamous to him in that sense. But lately I've been feeling like I would like another man, not in a needy way, but like an itch in the back of my mind. This feeling comes and goes every once in a while.

I really just wanted to write down how weird it feels to be in this situation. I don't want to make H feel unwanted or F hurt, but I kind of feel left out - because F is fine with H dating other guys. I know that the only way for that feeling to go away is to tell both H and F what I want and how I feel, and I hope I get the opportunity soon (I don't get to see H very often).

On a side note, I told F offhand that I thought one of our male friends was cute. F said, "I think he's cute too."
This response is classic F - completely open-ended.
I have been wondering since - did he misinterpret my meaning and answer it in a platonic way, or does he have attraction to this friend as well?

And if so, could I pursue without F getting hurt?

Eh. Feeling lost...
Reply With Quote
Old 04-15-2013, 11:39 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,271

Sounds like you know what you want to do...
I know that the only way for that feeling to go away is to tell both H and F what I want and how I feel, and I hope I get the opportunity soon (I don't get to see H very often).
but perhaps need encouragement to go ahead and touch base with both people to set a date/time to have those talks?

Go for it! Hopefully you will feel better getting that out there in general.

Hopefully you can also renegotiate agreements that no longer fit so you too can be free to date other people like you want.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-15-2013 at 11:42 PM.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-16-2013, 03:47 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,285

Yup. Just be completely and totally straightforward. There's no other way to clear this up. It'll be hard, but it'll be much harder to untangle things in the long run if you don't take that path.

And seriously, an OPP for one of your partners and not another is just kind of weird? What is the deal with that?
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-16-2013, 06:54 PM
NutBusterX's Avatar
NutBusterX NutBusterX is offline
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Central California
Posts: 98

Hi Blu
I'm Jim.

From personal experience, i'd say the best approach is honesty without expectations. F is likely to have some strong opposition and even make a good case to keep things as they are. You state he is open minded, and if he is, the initial conversation wont be the last one, nor will it be the final word.

Be clear about what you are feeling. Avoid being wishy washy, and at the same time be kind. If you bring it up and he recoils, be understanding but don't retract your feelings. That will only confuse him more.

Be clear that you are having a discussion. That is not the same as making demands or changing agreements unilaterally. Give him some time to get used to the idea and allow him to establish comfort. Be prepared for frustration and overload, and be willing to recognize the signs of those and take breaks.

These conversations aren't easy for either partner. Partners work together to achieve common goals. I wish all of you the very best.
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 12:08 PM.